To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before
Hi, I’m bi.
I have loved many people throughout my life. I don’t think I’ve ever gone more than a few days without having a crush on someone. This world is full of beautiful people, men and women alike, and my heart is a very large thing.
Until about a year ago, though, I had no idea that the feelings I had for some of my female friends were quite a little bit more than platonic. I was raised in a deeply Christian home, and steeped in homophobia from a young age. Until I moved to New York, I never gave bisexuality a second thought. It just wasn’t possible.
Today (Bi Visibility Day!) is about celebrating where it is we can be out and proud, and seen and appreciated. So in honor of that, I want to share some love to all the crushes-that-I-didn’t-even-realize-were-crushes-at-the-time, or at least to the big ones. (Honestly, I really have had a lot.) I may change their names a bit, but doubtlessly, if they read this, they’ll know who they are.
Firstly, there was Sasha.
She was (and still is) one of my best friends, even though we don’t see each other much these days. An adorable brown-eyed, curly-haired, bespectacled brunette. We became friends the summer before freshman year of high school over MySpace messenger, and I’ll always be grateful we did.
Dear Sass,
Bet ya didn’t know I had a crush on you. Well, neither did I. But, I thought you were the coolest chick ever — super funny, adorable, wry, ironic, and unapologetically weird. You were — and still are — one of the most effortlessly interesting people I’ve met. You have a gorgeous brain that I at times wanted to crawl up inside and explore around in. I genuinely never understood how everyone wasn’t obsessed with you. Perhaps they were. You’re superb at making me laugh, being quietly chaotic, and being subtly the coolest person in the room even if no one else hears your one-liners and brilliant thoughts. I always loved them.
You’re truly adorable, sharp as a tack, tough as nails, and yet still wonderfully tender. You embody “do no harm, but take no shit” and that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted to be. I tend to love what I admire, and you definitely fall into that category. We used to fight a lot on and off, and I never knew why, but I really believe it was my “significant-other-level” expectations cropping up, and my frustrations of feelings I had yet to learn the root of. I’ve always loved and admired the hell out of you, Sass. Keep being amazing, and as always, thank you for loving me through my mess.
(Oh, and I also almost leaned in to kiss you at Al’s bachelorette party if that wasn’t enough)
Love,
A
The next one was Feather.
(a nickname of course)
She’s a gorgeous, statuesque blazing blue-eyed brunette that every human that lays eyes on instantly falls in love with. I didn’t stand a chance. We became friends through church my sophomore year of high school, and I was in her wedding. She’s one of the few people from days gone by I still speak to, and I really have a lot of love for this girl.
Dear Feather,
I mean. Duh. You are so obviously fantastic that it’s a wonder I didn’t figure this little secret about myself out the second I met you. And honestly, you’ve only gotten more incredible (congrats, husband!!). Like honestly, I was so aggressively trying to be hetero throughout high school, but even when I did have boyfriends, I loved to snuggle up to you. I abandoned my other friends in straight up worship of you. You also were pretty comfortable around me so I saw your body a lot — thanks for making me gayer, girl.
Anyway, aside from the fact that you’re obviously gorgeous, you also are so much FUN. I loved life with you. We were never bored because you’re just spectacular at making life beautiful. You’re also funny and strong and kind and smart as a whip — ALL the things.
I loved you, and I love you.
Love,
A
The next big one didn’t come for a while, but when it did, it really sent me spinning for a long time.
My girl Em.
Tiny and adorable, introverted, funny, nerdy, chaotic, mysterious… honestly, what more could you want?! We met her freshman year and my junior year of college, and were in a way each other’s anchors to keep from sinking that crazy first year.
Dearest Em,
Oh man, secret underlying love of my life. You were mysterious, aloof, introverted, quiet at first glance and then explosive with laughter when the time was right — literally all of my favorite things. [Thank you forever, Ryan (who I barely even knew at the time), for introducing me to this gorgeous human.] I wanted to spend all of my time with you. I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to know all of your secrets and wanted to tell you all of mine. How I didn’t know I was gay as hell, I’ll never know.
I got so mad at you when we were roommates because I had these crazy high expectations of you (such as one would have for an s/o), knew you were dating the wrong person, and knew how unhappy you were. I wanted a lot from you land wanted to rescue you because of how much I loved you.
I’m glad I didn’t cut you out and I’m sorry that I tried to. You meant — and still mean — so much to me. Your friendship is one that I treasure. Your soul is beautiful and all of you is incredible.
You shine. And I love you. Always will.
Now go GET THAT PUSSY.
Love,
A
Most recently, there was Shon.
We met here in NY when we were in the same acting school. She saved me from a crazy lady that actually punched me in the backpack. That was the night we found out we lived in the same neighborhood, and much late-night-train-ride-bonding ensued, resulting in quite the incurable crush.
Dear Shon,
Since you were the last subconscious crush I had before this realization finally seeped its way into my consciousness, you definitely make The Big Ones list. You’re one of my favorite people on the planet regardless, and on top of all that these feelings smacked me hard upside the head. You pulled me in almost immediately with your zest for life — the thing I still love the most about you. You remind me to live every minute. You are not jaded in the slightest, and I need that kind of person in my life because I can habitually turn into a dark, sarcastic cloud. But with you, I just literally laugh until I fucking cry.
You work your ass off, dream your heart out, and truly love every minute of existence, soaking it all up to the last drop. Just to be around you makes me want to live more, give more, try more, be more.
I became pretty jealous for your time, and again held you to these crazy standards because I wanted to be near you constantly (are you guys seeing a pattern here?) I’m kind of still in the jealous, clingy teenager phase when it comes to women. I don’t yet know how to handle all these damn feelings, so they tend to come out as negative, and I’m sorry if that ever overspilled onto you.
Your friendship is incredibly special to me, and the feelings definitely bubbled over at some point. If my first statement in this letter is correct, you changed my life. And if not, you changed it anyway.
Love,
A
And that’s all for now.
There are certainly a handful more, and that doesn’t even begin to name my many female celebrity crushes to date. Although my crushes and heart throbs may be great in number, all of these incredible women I’ve mentioned are all so lovely and close to my heart. They have truly touched my life and changed me for the better. I have so much love for all of you! Thank you for your light and love.
Talk soon,
A
