Dear Jason,
I know that we’ve both long moved on…I guess saying, “I’m sorry” and trying to explain was the first step, and realizing that I didn’t miss you, just the memories I had with you, and the actual relationship, was the second step. The third step, inevitably, was liking him.
Anyway, sometimes the memories are too much. They’re bittersweet. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I had given it more time, if I had talked things out with you instead of breaking it off. It was a mistake. I made a mistake, and my life spiraled downward from that moment. I was just a huge mess.
I wonder sometimes how long it would’ve taken for us to break up if I hadn’t pushed things along. We didn’t belong together; I don’t doubt that. But I wonder how things would’ve been if I’d let time run its course. Maybe we could’ve had more memories together, maybe we would’ve even have something that lasted.
I sometimes questioned why I broke it off with you. It’s because you were my best friend, but somehow I never was able to move much past that. The feelings that I felt for guys I’ve liked, the typical “oh-I-have-a-crush-feelings,” I didn’t quite feel them for you. You were sweet and nice and probably the best thing for me at the time… but it wasn’t what I was looking for.
And that brings me to the second reason.
I thought you deserved so much better than me. I thought you deserved someone who could appreciate you wholly, someone who could actually reciprocate. Because as our relationship moved along, he started talking to me again. And all the feelings that I shoved away came back…
And that’s the third reason. I had a crazy, wild hope that maybe he would like me. Maybe, just maybe. It was blind optimism, idiotic hope. And even though I knew it was the smallest sliver of a chance, I felt like I was lying every time I kissed you.
After we broke up, I know it was so awkward. We kept avoiding each other. I didn’t know what to do, or say, and I acted basically freaking insane. And I’m sorry for that. But it probably made you wonder why you ever liked me in the first place. I wondered why I liked you in the first place.
And then I was gone for the summer, and really had time to sort myself out. I came back, and all the memories came rushing back in. I knew I had some unfinished business. I wanted to apologize, but I also fooled myself into thinking I still wanted you back. Good thing I never acted on that, but there was point where I really really wanted to just send you Taylor Swift’s “Back to December” music video because it said all the things I couldn’t bring myself to say. Literally. Every. Single. Thing.
I was a mess that fall too. Because I couldn’t walk around town without thinking how we should’ve walked around there together, or celebrate my birthday without remembering how we made it official then, or drive by places and remember how we went on dates there. I sat at the football game and watched you laugh and flirt and talk to everybody but me, and in the dim lights, I saw that everything I’d ever wanted was just within reach but so far away. I had hopes that maybe you’d forgive me, that maybe you still liked me, that maybe you would kiss me and tell me that you missed me too.
The thing about hopes is that when they don’t come true, all your dreams are shattered.
I went home, and I cried for the longest time, because that was when I knew we would never get back together. Now, I’m glad I didn’t do anything, but then? It broke my heart. I thought it was karma for breaking yours.
You’ve changed. That’s part of why I knew I didn’t have a chance of getting back together with you again. You even gave me a hug when I apologized, and said, “No regrets.”
But you also party hard now, and drink, and hang out with the “popular people.” Basically you’ve become the opposite of what you were before. I wonder if it’s my fault, or what?
Now that I’m completely over you, I can truly say, without bitterness, that I miss you most as my best friend. You were the only one that truly cared, that truly listened to what I had to say. Nobody else really does. I trusted you. I could talk to you without censoring myself or feeling awkward.
Our friendship was probably the best thing I had, and I want you to know that I don’t really have anybody like that.
I don’t regret being in a relationship with you, because no regrets, right? But I miss being your friend. I miss having you by my side, and knowing that you cared.
Nancy
Written in 2013 by Medium member Nancy Chen. Names and small events have been changed for anonymity. https://nancylinchen.medium.com/
