Dear Shawn,
I will always care for you and want the best for you. But it feels like you want space to work on yourself and not the love and support I’m trying to give. It’s like leading the horse to water but not forcing it to drink — I can give you all the love and support I have, but in the end you have to accept it.
I can’t figure out if you’re busy or you just don’t want to talk, but sometimes it feels like you’re trying to ghost, which is not something you do to someone you’ve been seeing for over two years.
If that phone call we had was you trying to break it off and I didn’t listen because I’m obstinate like that, fine. I’ll listen now. If that’s what you want, I’ll hear you out. If that’s what you think is best, we can talk about it. But you hadn’t even given me a chance — you tried to make the decision for me.
I’ve been torn up because I can’t get my own feelings straight; a part of me is telling me that I deserve more than the love you’re giving, which seems close to nonexistent, a part of me is trying hard to fight for you in my mind, while trying to rationalize what’s going on in yours.
Because sometimes I love you so much that my heart physically hurts — the feeling comes suddenly, in the strangest of places and times.
And I remember the morning I woke up and you were still sleeping and I thought to myself with sudden clarity that I wanted to wake up next to you for the rest of my life.
That scared me. It still scares me.
And I’m now wondering if I still feel that way; if this is a rough patch or if it is the end.
I guess what I’m wondering is if this is worth fighting for, worth figuring out, if you even had any of these thoughts at any point or if it was just on the back burner of your mind.
I don’t ask for much. You know that. You know that I value my independence and yours.
I trusted you. I still do. I moved past all the trust issues, abandonment issues, the uncertainty I feel and tried to let you live your best life, but what happened to us?
I told you once it felt like you cared far less and put in far less effort than I did, and you said sorry and that you were figuring your life out. That you didn’t have your shit together.
The thing is, no one has their shit together.
Like I said, if it’s space you need, I’ll let you have it. If you want to talk, I’m here.
But if there’s just radio silence for a long time without explanation my first assumption is usually that I did something wrong or that something happened to you, and that makes me worried.
So what happened to us?
I’m not here just for your convenience I’m not your person to hit up with you’re in the mood. I’m not at your beck and call.
I can’t keep spending my time crying over what may or may not be.
I love you and I’m in it for the long haul, but I need to know that you’re in it too. I’m trying to spend time with you because this is how I gauge my feelings — how my heart, brain, body reacts when I’m around you. You haven’t been around enough recently for me to figure that out just yet.
There was a lot that came out of that, so here are the Cliff’s Notes: promise me that your promises mean something, that we are okay and we will work through this together, that you think this is something special we should be fighting for.
I deserve that.
I want to stand by you, because you deserve that. But I can’t do it if you won’t let me.
Epilogue
I remember when I woke up in the grey pre-dawn mist and you were still sleeping, and I realized that this was the end.
Written in 2019 by Medium member Nancy Chen. Names have been changed for anonymity. Nancy can be found here: https://nancylinchen.medium.com/
