How to Spot a Toxic Personality. Red Flags
Abuse can come in many forms. Moreover, the human brain does not distinguish between psychological and physical abuse: cruel words cause the same reaction as a physical beating, triggering a cascade of stress reactions in the body. If this is repeated regularly, it will destroy a person’s mental and physical health.
Important warning signs you need to know (the beginning is HERE):
* Ask what mistakes he made in his relationship with his ex (we all make them). The narcissist will respond that it no longer matters (although understanding past relationships is important to gaining insights into any new acquaintance! Since people are prone to repetitive behavior. Thus, a womanizer will continue cheating, etc.) Either the narc will openly or covertly blame his ex: “I didn’t always have enough patience. But in my place anyone would have exploded”; “I couldn’t handle all her hysterics and quirks. Of course, she was young and silly, but I could have been wiser, although that’s a lot to expect when a girl is as difficult as she was.” And so on.
* It’s not for nothing that they say that the eyes are the mirror of the soul. Toxic people often have a glassy, empty look. Although some have a kind of murky gaze. This is particularly unattractive when paired with their sugary smiles!
* Try to yawn in the presence of someone you suspect of being an abusive personality. Narcissists and especially psychopaths have fewer mirror neurons than normal people. Mirror neurons give us the ability to empathize, to feel community with others. These cells are the reason why normal people yawn in response. But narcissists and psychopaths may not pass this test. Do know, though, that some of them know this test and yawn because they know it’s expected.
* You can’t understand this new acquaintance because of his constant omissions about what he did and is going to do, and his unexpected change in his image and behavior (sometimes repeatedly.) You don’t get him as a whole person (because there is no personality.) This is very characteristic of psychopaths and psychopathic narcissists.
* Paradoxically, with all their inner emptiness, psychopaths often come across as very charming and charismatic people. Because, unlike normal people and narcissists who aren’t psychopaths, they don’t worry about what impression they might make on new acquaintances. They are very confident in themselves and are certain that they are better than others (or rather, that others are worse than them) — and this confidence in their (unfounded) superiority is subconsciously transmitted to others. Add to this well-developed acting skills, the habit of lying without restraint and the ability to “read” others, as well as the ability to hypnotize with their speech and non-verbal actions (more about this here: “Bad Boys & Girls: How They Hook You and Keep You Hooked. All About Trauma Bonding”).
* Quite a few “spiritual” narcissists seem too good to be true. They follow the rules of their religion to the point of fanaticism (formally). Any religion teaches people to be tolerant and merciful, but toxic believers will begin to assure you that you are doing everything “wrong”.
The surest way to recognize a “highly moral” toxic personality is to tune into your feelings. That is, the person seems to be good — but you feel bad when you’re with them! In general, trust your intuition — it is the voice of the unconscious, trained by millions of years of evolution. It helped the human race survive. If you are uncomfortable with a new (or old) acquaintance, if you’re feeling exhausted, as if you’d been conversing with an energy vampire, then this person is toxic to you, even if they seem good (but, most likely, this is a covert narc.)
* Unlike narcissists, many psychopaths are openly cynical. They may even boast about getting away with illegal actions! How he fooled some “sucker” and so on.
* Ask your boyfriend what qualities he admires about you. A narcissist (psychopath) will highlight only those qualities that indicate that you are a valuable resource for him (you cook well, you are kind, always ready to help, etc.). A normal person will also note qualities that are useful for you (smart, enterprising, etc.).
Ask what you need to change about yourself. If you’ve only recently met, the narcissist (psychopath) may mention something minor, but if you’ve been communicating for a while, he’ll come up with a whole list! While a normal person will answer: “Nothing. Be yourself! This is your uniqueness.”
* At first you melt from their attention, but soon you begin to notice that you are constantly interrupted. And they begin to get bored with your stories about this and that.
* Soon after a love bombing attack, the abuser begins to talk to his chosen victim as if the person was a small, stupid child, while he is some kind of omniscient Father Guru. He’ll say, “What would you do without me! / You will be lost without me.” Then it turns into outright devaluation accompanied by gaslighting. If this continues for a long time, you’ll stop trusting your own opinion, and will instead rely on the opinion of the abuser. In the end, you yourself will believe in your worthlessness and inability to decide anything on your own.
* Despite all the attention, which is sometimes intrusive at first, it’s as if they don’t hear you. Your new friend doesn’t invite you to where you want to — rather, he takes you to places of his choosing. You will be pressured to go on a date and stay out late, even if you are tired and say so. You may notice that this boyfriend doesn’t remember anything you’ve told him about what’s on your mind. Doesn’t remember what you’ve been dreaming about. Because all he cares about is what he wants.
Narcissists and psychopaths lack empathy. So, if you’ve been in a relationship with such a “special” guy for a while, you may have asked him more than once not to do something that makes you very uncomfortable (for example, not to slam doors, especially when you’re sleeping) — but the toxic personality just doesn’t care. And this is in the best case, meaning if he doesn’t have a tendency towards sadism (then he will slam doors or whatever on purpose.) In response to another “I asked you!” the toxic man will begin to assure you that no, you didn’t, and if you did, you said it in such a way that he didn’t understand. He may mutter that he forgot about your request (again). This will be even if you have explained more than once that it is very important for you to get enough sleep, or that when he slams doors it distracts you from work and make you nervous. A toxic partner may state that he doesn’t want to tiptoe around his own house, adapting to you and your “excessive” wants. The abuser may also start yelling in irritation that he didn’t make any noise — you imagined it/you’re too sensitive (gaslighting).
* Drastic and unexplainable mood swings are characteristic of narcissists, psychopaths, and borderlines. Their partners tend to blame themselves (which narcs actively encourage), although they shouldn’t. The fact is, the positive emotions the toxic person displays during the resource conquest stage simultaneously evoke negative emotions and frustration, because your “prince charming” is not experiencing the feelings he shows on the outside. This causes him to feel an internal aggression. In addition, narcissists are constantly jackknifing back and forth between feeling unique and superior to feeling worthless, extremely insecure, and even depressed. This constant emotional rollercoaster inside leads narcissists to be anxious and irritable.
Psychopaths and narcissists may start yelling at someone or show signs that they are very upset, and then start to laugh or calm down in an instant. The emotions they display are just a way for them to provoke the desired reaction. These drastic mood swings are not typical for a normal person, who takes a minimum of several minutes to heat up or cool down. But psychopaths experience little to no emotion, and the emotions of adult narcissists are very superficial, so it doesn’t cost them anything to “switch” when they believe they have achieved their goal with this “theater” (or they immediately put on a completely different mask — for example, a comforter-savior, if they see that the still-good supply is ready to leave them).
Borderlines may experience strong emotions, but they are constantly thrown “from the frying pan into the fire” and back, and you have absolutely nothing to do with it. Borderlines are often unable to control themselves.
* During the honeymoon stage of the relationship, your ideal prince may suddenly disappear for a day or more. With an explanation in advance, but much more often without (later he will report that his cell phone was dead/broken/he was abducted by aliens — although more likely that he spent these three days in the hospital next to his beloved grandmother/any other tall tale). All this shakes you up mentally, you begin to worry about what happened, worry about him, blame yourself. He suddenly becomes much more valuable to you, while your self-esteem plummets at the same time. For a manipulator, it’s everything rolled into one and wrapped up in a bow! This manipulation can be both conscious (to check how attached you’ve become) or unconscious. In the latter case, the narcissist/psychopath just got tired of playing your ideal partner and took a breather. It is also very possible that he’s courting another resource at the same time.
* He doesn’t value other people’s time (one of the forms of neglect). At first, he may arrive on dates on time, but the delays will become greater and greater. This is also a way of forcing submission: you involuntarily begin to think about this person and eventually become attached to him. At the same time, your self-esteem drops.
* From the very beginning of a relationship, toxic personalities force you to adapt to the rules of communication that are convenient for them (they don’t care about your opinion.) They may disappear and reappear, tenderly wish you good morning and good night, and then not respond to you for several days. You will meet on their terms — they will make you do it. Constant “dripping” wears away even a stone — what can we say about the person whose trust they managed to win at the initial stage!
Unlike narcissists, psychopaths begin to push your boundaries very soon after meeting you.
* Narcissists are preoccupied with fantasizing about their future success. Their plans may seem out of touch with reality, expectations are excessive.
* Both narcissists and psychopaths lie a lot to make themselves look good. They make up entire beautiful backstories (befitting the “man of your dreams”). Once “my” narc Roberto said that in his youth he fixed a refrigerator, installed electricity, plumbing, and restored all the utilities in an abandoned building, including sewage. And yet, one of the toilets in his house didn’t work. Subsequently, when my own toilet cistern broke, I went to the store to buy the right part. There a young saleswoman explained how to change it without the help of a plumber, saving me money. It turned out to be easy, even without any experience! However, for whatever reason, “handyman” Roberto couldn’t do the same.
* You will periodically notice a second of delay before the narcissist/psychopath puts on the appropriate mask. I was once struck by how, as Roberto was watching the news, his gloomy, cunningly cynical facial expression was instantly replaced by an expression of beautiful compassion. “How he worries about those who are suffering!” I admired. And I loved him even more for it. When I mentioned this incident to the Facebook abuse support group, adding: “But even if he was putting on a show, there was no one else at home. There was only me,” they explained: “He was putting on the show for you.” During the resource conquering stage, narcissists and psychopaths copy the expression of his/her face. Or they choose a mask from their internal filing cabinet and wear it for the occasion.
* No matter how hard you try, psychopaths and, moreover, narcissists will in every possible way shy away from an honest conversation about what is happening, what worries you. They can laugh it off, say that they have no time/are not in the mood. They may start accusing you of “making a mountain out of a molehill” or say that “everything is fine.” You cannot express what bothers you, especially in your relationships: you are literally not allowed to open your mouth. If normal people want to see their loved ones satisfied and happy, with toxic personalities the opposite is true. That’s why they start interrupting, changing topics, overwhelming you with meaningless word salad, and confusing you. If this fails, the toxic person goes into attack mode (without before he even knows what you are trying to say! But this doesn’t matter to him. What’s important to him is to bring you down.) The abuser slams the door in your face, interrupting you mid-sentence, barking: “I’m not going to listen to all this!” (having no idea what you wanted to say. Even if you were trying to improve your relationship!) You just wanted to have a peaceful conversation so that you both could be happier! But you end up crying, maybe screaming, “Open the door! Listen to me!” In response, the abuser calls you hysterical. He’ll hurl endless accusations, even about things that happened years ago, and for which you have already apologized a hundred times. And when you try to respond, the toxic partner slams the door in your face again in mid-sentence! This scenario can be repeated many times. Finally, you are exhausted, crying helplessly. Then the abuser will begin to finish you off with words. Seeing that you are already completely shattered, the toxic partner may even say: “Okay, I’m ready to listen to you. What did you want to tell me?” but you will already be in such a worn state that this feigned generosity (and you feel it!) will only cause you a new surge of despair and a feeling of hopelessness. With this person (and it was not conscience or pity that awakened in him: he simply understood from your condition that you’re ready to “get off the hook” and it’s time to throw you “breadcrumbs” by feigning his good will.)
In general, it’s impossible to have a constructive dialogue with them! At first, they will defend themselves, and almost immediately they will go on the attack, remembering all your sins throughout your relationship, using manipulistic clichés “you always,” “you never”. They may also show hostile coldness to provoke you to get angry or cry. In the first case, there will be a “legitimate reason” to avoid discussing an important topic under the pretext that it is “impossible to talk” with you. In the second, you yourself will leave the attempt to talk, wiping away the tears of hopelessness and powerlessness.
* A characteristic trait of narcissists is to ban some of your feelings. These are the very ones that the narcissist was prevented from expressing during childhood by his/her toxic parents.
* Psychopathic narcissists and psychopaths derive sadistic pleasure from the psychological and physical suffering of others and intentionally torment and trick people (covert narcissists psychologically torment loved ones unconsciously). However, high-functioning psychopaths and psychopathic narcissists will physically abuse only if they are confident that they can get away with everything (as my father was). More often, they are limited to psychological abuse, but very sophisticated and cruel.
* Covert narcissists are passive-aggressive. They usually try to avoid open confrontation, but can instead use ignoring and silence, regularly “forget” about promises they’ve made, and sabotage your requests to do/not do what’s important to you. So, if you say/show that you don’t like something, you’ll very soon notice the same thing happening again.
Normal people try to meet the other person halfway, seeking compromises. They try not to do things that hurt their partner. But narcissists and psychopaths will do just that and then sadistically enjoy your confusion: you would never do this yourself and cannot believe that someone could behave this way to you on purpose. This also includes offensive “jokes” followed by “you have no sense of humor” and other similar gaslighting tactics.
* You may notice that when you talk about how you feel bad, or hurt, if that you’ve failed at something, the narcissist will have a momentary look of satisfaction on their face. And sometimes outright gloating. The thing is that narcissists mostly feel only negative emotions. In addition, they periodically experience feelings of inferiority. Therefore, narcissists try to ruin the mood of those around them by any available means (passive aggression, outright nagging, etc.) Seeing that you are confused and upset, the narcissist feels more confident. They also get a thrill from seeing that they can influence another person. The narc may then cheer you up (usually in the early stages of the relationship, then the toxic man won’t bother so much) — but not out of remorse: to feel power over you again.
* Attitude towards children. Psychopaths are indifferent to their children. They can be cruel. In narcissists, two diametrically opposed attitudes can most often be observed: if they perceive the child as a little extension of themselves, then they devote a lot of time and effort to the kid, while being perceived by others as ideal parents. But even a toddler knows that it’s better not to make a dad like that angry!
If the child is unlucky, the narcissistic parent will treat him/her as a scapegoat. I happened to be both in the role of a “golden child” in early childhood, and in the role of the scapegoat from the age of 8, when I had chicken pox and my aunt gave me a hideous haircut, snipping my beautiful long locks, and I suddenly ceased to be pretty. Such dramatic transformations from “golden child” to scapegoat are not uncommon with narcissistic parents. But it is even more bitter for those little “goats” and “invisible children” when their brother or sister is treated as the golden child. Alas, this is also common in families with a narcissistic parent if there are several children.
* Narcissists try to dump first, afraid of being abandoned. Especially if they themselves have been dumped. Psychopaths dump their “loved ones” very quickly, since these toxic personalities become bored with new “toys” after just a couple of months. By utilizing a depleted supply, narcissists and psychopaths like to “stay friends” (this is how Roberto used to leave his girlfriends) in case this source is restored after some time, and they don’t have a fresh one at hand — or in case their main supply kicks them to the curb. If this happens, they’ll have the opportunity to feed on the ex energy “like friends.” After getting sympathy, support and sex from the “garage-harem”, the narcissist throws them into a distant orbit again.
If the pride of the toxic person was seriously wounded, after the breakup they will organize a “smear campaign,” actively recruiting “flying monkeys”, pretending to be a victim, and telling fables and all sorts of horrors about you (very often everything that the narcissist himself did! Remember about projections? He cheated — he will accuse you of cheating! He threw objects, swung, pushed? Soon you’ll hear that it was you who was acting like a banshee! That being said, you’ll always be portrayed as crazy by the narc.
Since toxic people try to convert the relatives of their victims into allies in advance, flattering and luring them with help and gifts, you need to be ready when those closest to you do not take your side, but the side of the abuser. However, victims of narcissists very often have at least one toxic parent. Even more often, among the closest relatives there are several “vipers.” Narcissists seek to unite against the victim (in the family this is the child — “scapegoat”) from whom they can jointly suck out emotions, energy, services, money, etc. Predators also like to hunt in packs. As a result of collective bullying, the victim gives in faster and begins to give the “vampires” what they want.
If the toxic personality believes that he can’t get anything else from this depleted resource, he will organize a “dance on the bones”: he’ll sadistically finish off with words and actions a psychologically broken (and often physically seriously ill) former partner.
* Decompensation. The older a covert narc becomes, the more often the mask of a kind and good person begins to slip off, revealing the features that he tries to hide from others and from himself, throwing them onto others using projection. Dr. Jekyll increasingly presents as Mr. Hyde.
A person does not need to hit all of these marks to be a narcissist (for example, not all covert narcissists are whiners, although they like to victimize themselves) — but if the majority do match up, be careful!
TO BE CONTINUED! There will be even MORE IMPORTANT information in my new posts! Especially for people traumatized by toxic partners and narcissistic parents. Stay tuned to find out how to protect yourself from toxic personalities, how to heal from abuse, and how to get rid of malware of codependency and CPTSD. How to find and keep real love, how to create healthy relationships!
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