Narcissists & Psychopaths: How They Hook You and Keep You Hooked. All about Trauma Bonding
Quite a few people who have been in relationships with narcissists and psychopaths then say: “I don’t know what came over me, at first I didn’t even like him — but then it was as if he put a spell on me.” And the narcissist did!
Psychologist and narcissist Sam Vaknin explains that narcissists can evoke the necessary emotions from people (including love. Especially love!).
Narcissists and psychopaths intuitively master many methods of hypnosis, and purposefully study them to gain greater power over other people. They mirror the gestures and synchronize with the victim’s breathing and speech pace (Sam Vaknin calls this “entraining”). Thus, they subconsciously gain the victim’s trust, and then “guide” them in a certain direction. Generally, they use all kinds of hypnosis techniques: for example, by distracting a victim with some actions while simultaneously saying something, and the words in this case fall into the unconscious. Suggestions made before bed, immediately after waking, or during sex are especially dangerous, as they all go straight into the subconscious. Psychologists have discovered that even the speech patterns of narcissists have hypnogenic features with its special rhythm, repetitions, abundance of often contradictory information (and all this is accompanied by gestures and touches, which overload sensory organs and brains of others and puts them in a hypnotic trance)!
In general, when I started to study this and slowly began to understand, I was horrified by the realization of how toxic and destructive behavior of “my” narcissist Roberto was after the first “sugary” week! Overall, narcissists are characterized by persistent schizophrenogenic patterns (a way of disorientating the victim in order to subdue and control them). This type of communication confuses and invalidates the victim’s belief in their own feelings and in themselves by imposing feelings of guilt, shame, obligation, fear, sadness, hopelessness and powerlessness. This is real mental and emotional abuse, and it can be maddening! The victim gradually develops a state of learned helplessness and, at the same time, a dependence on the abuser. There are dozens of different manipulation tools. One of Roberto’s most destructive and favorite tricks, besides gaslighting, was “guess how to please me.” But at the same time, something that was good yesterday is suddenly bad today! And in general, it is simply impossible to please such a manipulator. Very soon, the victim falls into a state of constant uncertainty, as they never know what to expect. Or rather, the victim tries with all her might, expecting approval (finally) — but over and over again, the tormentor (and soon his source of supply herself) begins to view the victim more and more as “worthless piece of shit.” And she becomes more and more entangled in a crappy relationship, sinking deeper and deeper into the role imposed on her, and her dependence on the “only reasonable and worthy” person nearby. As a result of this manipulation, the victim is almost constantly in a trance (a state of heightened suggestibility), which makes it easier to break her will and brainwash her. By the way, the “guess how to please me” technique (AKA “not that”) is very popular among bosses at all different levels (there are many narcissists among them), because it is easy to manage the obedient, uncomplaining “herd.”
The most basic schizophrenogenic pattern observed by anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist is the “rollercoaster,” when you’re lavished with care and affection after being ignored. Swinging on this “emotional swing” never stops! The change from “cold” to “warm” occurs at the moment when the manipulator realizes that the victim is tired of such a sick relationship and is ready to wriggle off the hook. This is when the narcissist immediately begins to take an interest in the victim again, can even support her — and the unfortunate “living battery” begins to persuade herself: “Look, everything is still alright!” Moreover, the manipulator refers to some objective circumstances due to which he was “too busy,” “too tired,” etc.
For especially sophisticated manipulators, the change from positive to negative and back can occur even within the span of a single conversation. For example, you notice that he’s not listening to you, so you ask: “Is this uninteresting to you?” He responds, “Of course it is! Everything that’s going on with you is important to me.” But then within a minute you notice that this person to whom you’re supposedly so important is once again immersed in his smartphone. Roberto changed plus to minus and cold to warm several times every day. Meanwhile, this rollercoaster quickly forms trauma bonds. These are strong emotional attachments founded on the hormonal biochemical dependence of the victim on the abuser, very similar to a drug addiction. This is because narcissists are constantly dragging you between Heaven to Hell. When you are stressed, your adrenal glands begin to secrete the hormones adrenaline and cortisol, which the body uses in critical moments when the fight-or-flight response is triggered. For example, cortisol raises blood sugar levels to feed the muscles. By the way, the human unconscious reacts to psychological violence in the exact same way as it does to physical abuse: both a punch and an offensive word stimulate the production of stress hormones. These hormones cause physical and mental forces to mobilize in order to save your life, provoking a feeling of anxiety, restlessness and tension.
By the way, you can recognize a psychopath/narcissist/manipulator/player as soon as you meet them by observing any stress reactions you may have, even if they seem pleasant enough. The unconscious is wiser than the conscious mind, and when a predator approaches, it sends the command to prepare to fight or flee. Symptoms caused by the release of stress hormones include heart palpitations, rapid breathing, sweating, nausea and the notorious “butterflies in the stomach,” nasal congestion, mental “fog” and confusion. Sometimes these stress reactions are taken as a sign of attraction. This is cognitive dissonance due to the fact that fear-induced arousal occurs in the same subcortical region of the brain as sexual desire.
In addition, under stressful conditions, the brain and adrenal glands begin to actively produce norepinephrine, which helps to activate and focus. Like adrenaline, it accelerates your heart rate and constricts most of your blood vessels, increasing blood pressure, expands the bronchi (so that we breathe better) and slows down your gastrointestinal metabolism (because this is not the time to waste resources on digesting food). Norepinephrine has a strong analgesic effect. It also reduces anxiety by increasing aggression. While helping you cope with stressful conditions, norepinephrine also induces positive emotions of excitement and pleasure from taking risks.
After the stress hormones, the body begins to release natural opiates known as endorphins, similar in structure to heroin and opium, as well as endocannabinoids, which act on the body similarly to marijuana. As natural analgesics, endorphins are designed to reduce the potential pain that one might experience in a fight or flight situation. They also provide a sense of emotional relief. Endocannabinoids cause a feeling of well-being, to the point of bliss. They are produced during sex, intense and prolonged physical activity and in response to the release of the stress hormone cortisol, while endorphins begin to be produced in response to increased adrenaline. Endorphins and endocannabinoids reduce the impact of stress, lower anxiety, and prevent you from panicking when you need to act. They also stimulate the production of dopamine, which produces feelings of satisfaction, joy and pleasure, and also strongly motivates you to get another “dose.” Dopamine, the neurotransmitter “responsible” for addictions, plays one of the key roles in the formation of trauma bonds. An increase in dopamine levels causes a feeling of euphoria, increasing sexual desire and attraction to the object of your affection. You find yourself high on dopamine, literally like an addict high on drugs, and you want more and more.
As a result, you remember not the severe stress caused by the abuser, but rather that you had strong emotions with a strongly positive ending: you only remember your final emotions, and here your own “hormones of happiness” (although it would be more accurate to say neurotransmitters) will increase your satisfaction from the manipulator’s “soothing” behavior. After several such “doses,” an unhealthy attachment to the abuser arises, identical to a heroin craving in drug addicts and just as strong. Oftentimes, even stronger. Only in this case, the drug is produced inside of you, and the torturer acts as a syringe that starts the whole process. Hormonal addiction in a traumatic relationship, like any chemical addiction, can be stronger than the survival instinct! In a number of experiments, when given the choice, rats continually chose a dose of “happiness hormones” over food, and as a result, died of exhaustion.
In addition, whenever you’re given interest and attention/gently touched, hugged, kissed/during sexual contact, your body starts to produce the hormone oxytocin. It causes strong emotional attachment. Oxytocin is produced in much larger quantities in women, while in men vasopressin is much more prevalent. This is the “paternity hormone” related to oxytocin, which encourages the creation of a stable monogamous couple. Oxytocin and vasopressin induce the desire to care, and also reduce anxiety, in addition to increasing the level of endocannabinoids when interacting with other people.
“My” narcissist Roberto “wove a spiderweb” around me almost every day — enveloping me in a net of light, gentle touches, from the arms and back to the breasts, top of the thighs and butt. (By the way, the “cobweb” is a favorite pickup tool. And pickup artistry is just the strategies and tactics of the psychopathic narcissist, popularized for use by “ordinary” guys. This is all these “waves” (aka emotional swing, “closer-further”), all this pretending to be perfect for the first 2 weeks. With this “cobweb” a manipulator can achieve several goals at once: to violate personal boundaries and confuse, while at the same time exciting and hypnotizing. When these manipulation tactics are employed, the victim’s body, beyond her will, begins to produce oxytocin (causing feelings of tenderness, closeness, intimacy, trust and the desire to hug) and dopamine (pleasure anticipation neurotransmitter, causing a strong desire to get what you want — for example, to have sex with the manipulator). Gently stroking the erogenous zone between the phalanges and at the base of the fingers (which Roberto did with me sometimes several times a day) works in a similar way, especially if the manipulator holds a conversation at the same time, as if nothing is happening. As a result, he communicates with you verbally on a business/friendly level, while on the tactile level sexual foreplay is taking place. It’s no surprise that you have cognitive dissonance and don’t know how to react to it all! And if you dare to ask how to interpret all this, the player will respond (as Roberto did to me) that sexual harassment was just your overactive imagination and the touches were exclusively friendly. The same goes for all the other schizophrenogenic patterns that narcissists love so much.
Oxytocin is also released in response to the release of stress hormones. This is due to evolutionary mechanisms. For higher primates, leaving the flock is tantamount to death, therefore, in the process of evolution, monkeys and humans have developed an adaptation “to get used to it” when aggression is shown toward them. Female monkeys try to appease their abusers by showing their warmth and submission. The rise in oxytocin in response to the stress of abuse creates an emotional attachment to the abuser. Moreover, the formation of such a trauma-bond is possible even in one day!
In addition, when low-ranking primates are abused, levels of serotonin, the hormone responsible for feeling comfortable, paradoxically increase. The same thing happens with modern people. Because of this, victims of chronic abuse are ready to obey even with some pleasure, as they get the feeling that everything is going “as it should be.” Such people tend to underestimate the harm they have received.
In the first 6–7 months of relationships, everyone’s body also produces phenylethylamine, which is “responsible” for making you fall in love. It’s produced in the brain when talking or thinking about a person you like. Phenylethylamine in conjunction with dopamine enhances the feeling of heady euphoria, and increases sexuality, interest and sympathy for your partner.
The “love hormones change the way the brain works by suppressing the ability of the prefrontal and frontal cortex to think clearly, analyze and make objective judgements about the object of your affection. In addition, they suppress the work of the amygdala, which is responsible for reactions to stress. As a result, you feel safe next to your loved one. You also begin to feel an incredibly strong sexual desire! In this way, nature “turns off” the brain so that two representatives of the human want to mate, multiply and contribute to the survival of the species.
As a result, the victim of the abuser is constantly under the influence of an extremely powerful hormonal cocktail. She becomes overly trusting and passionate about sex due to the natural processes in the body when falling in love. Moreover, she is irresistibly attracted both physically and emotionally to this particular person, since he “hooked” the victim through a trauma bond. Due to the behavior of the abuser, her levels of stress hormones are almost constantly elevated. This causes chaos in the brain’s work due to increased activation of neurons. As a result, the victim is in a state of constant tension. She is often gnawed at by anxiety, sadness and fear from a subconscious understanding of the inevitable loss of the “unique” loved one (if you don’t leave first, the abuser will definitely dump you, first exhausting you, then exchanging for a fresh resource). Add to this the constant manipulation of the toxic personality (this is their usual style of communication) — so it’s not surprising that as a result, the victim is no longer able to reason well. She feverishly thinks only about what to do and what to say so that the abuser doesn’t lose his temper again. And how to earn the wonderful bliss she felt at the beginning of the relationship! Alas, all you can now get is a wounding “shot” followed by a brief relief. And it will bind you even more strongly to the abuser through this trauma bond!
A trauma bond often feels like a great, predestined love, like a meeting with your “karmic soul mate” — but this is NOT love! This is an unhealthy attachment to the abuser due to his constant toxic manipulation.
The first episode of abuse is often seen as an unfortunate accident at the start of a generally positive relationship. The toxic person’s first attempt at “testing the waters” is often not very serious (“just a bad joke”, “He forgot — it happens to everyone”). In addition, the abuser’s expression of affection and concern after the traumatic incident reassures the victim and gives her confidence that the abuse will not happen again. After all, he is so good! He understands me so well! And he promises never to hurt me again!
Victims of abuse experience cognitive dissonance: they cannot comprehend how the same person can be so indifferent and offensive and at the same time periodically lavish them with attention, care, gifts (in advanced cases, victims are sincerely delighted when the abuser suddenly ceases to find fault and break down, as usual. This perceives as a warm and good attitude). Victims of abuse really want to believe that the brief moments of positive reinforcement the toxic person exhibits is the real them! In addition, it’s very hard to forget the ‘love bombing’ period when the narcissist really cared about you (to get you tangled in his web). As a result, victims continue to feel that there is hope. You just have to try harder! Victims begin to believe that the violence is their fault — and the abuser strongly supports this narrative with reproaches: “You were the one who drove me to it!” etc.
The sanest ones are partially aware of the situation, saying: “I do not like him as a person, but at the same time I’m attracted to him, and irresistibly.” That’s right, because it’s a traumatic addiction. And you also really want the abuser to apologize for his behavior, so that he again begins to see your “pluses,” and how much effort and love you have invested in this relationship. Alas, this won’t happen: in the devaluation stage, narcissists are unable to see your virtues, even if they admired them in the idealization stage. Yes, they forgot about them! This is how remarkably selective and very patchy a narcissist’s memory is. Psychopaths, on the other hand, never really appreciated or loved you — they simply lied to you, feigning admiration in order to bind you to them. Even the apologies of narcs and psychopaths will be fake, and they’ll be offered only at first (when it’s still easy for the victims to get off the hook) or when you’re sucked back in if they don’t have a better supply on hand.
The regular release of stress hormones into the bloodstream has a destructive effect on the body, even if it is partially mediated by at least half an hour of physical activity performed immediately. But more often than not, the stress is not mediated at all. Thus adrenaline leads to high blood pressure, increasing the risk of blood clots, atherosclerosis and cardiovascular diseases. The effect of cortisol is even more destructive: frequent release of this hormone into the blood or constantly elevated cortisol levels lead to accelerated cell aging, osteoporosis, autoimmune and endocrine diseases.
So that they don’t lose their minds due to the unpredictable behavior of toxic personality, victims of narcissistic abuse often fall into a dissociative state — they “forget” episodes of emotional and other abuse. And then it seems to them that everything is not so bad, “everyone has their issues.” However, their health keeps getting worse, as well as their mood.
How do you know that something’s going on and you’re being manipulated/put into a trance state? If after speaking to this person you feel more uncertain of yourself and your head suddenly becomes foggy, brain suddenly feels like a wadded cotton ball, if your fears of loneliness and uselessness are suddenly triggered, if you behave in an unusual way and become obsessed with this new acquaintance — all these are indirect, but clear signs that this relationship and this person are toxic.
If you feel that some undesirable influence on your mind, you can say that you need to leave for a few minutes (go to the bathroom, do soothing breathing exercises — more about them later) or mentally repeat “I don’t believe” while clenching your fingers into a fist. This will help you not to succumb to hypnosis.
TO BE CONTINUED! There will be even MORE IMPORTANT information in my new posts! Especially for people traumatized by toxic partners and narcissistic parents. Stay tuned to find out how to protect yourself from toxic personalities, how to heal from abuse, and how to get rid of malware of codependency and CPTSD. How to find and keep real love, how to create healthy relationships!
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