Sex with Narcissists & Psychopaths. Are They Capable of Love?
Sex with them seems amazing at first, like all other aspects of the relationship — brighter than “ordinary” relationships and sex
It’s like you’re on drugs, and you are: the toxic personality keeps you on an emotional swing all the time, throwing you between Heaven and Hell, causing the release of stress hormones first, then pleasure neurotransmitters — and these natural narcotics are what make sex with them so marvelous. Even light touches on the hand from narcissists and psychopaths are more “electric,” as almost all victims have noted (it is very possible that this is also due to the release of stress hormones: this is how the unconscious mind reacts to the approach of a predator, even if he’s smiling charmingly). In addition, psychopaths are hypersexual, and narcissists are savvy in this area and at first will give exactly what you want: if you want tender sex, it will be gentle, if you want rough, it will be so. But still, you shouldn’t equate “narcissist” and “psychopath” with “good sex” — they can also have problems with potency and so on. And when the narcissist gets bored with the new toy, sex with him becomes mechanical — this is in the most direct sense masturbation about a living person without any concern for their pleasure and feelings. Everyone who has been in a relationship with these kinds of lovers are unanimous in saying that no sex, no matter how fantastic, is worth the suffering destined for the partners of narcissists and psychopaths! Because for the toxic personalities, sex is primarily a means of manipulation and domination. And a way to confirm how “cool” they are in their own and others’ eyes. At first, sex binds the source to them. Later, sex can then be used as a reward for desired behavior. In general, while the partner is moaning from bliss, the narcissist thrives on his omnipotence: he is not interested in his “beloved,” but in this feeling.
If now you’re thinking, “Great! This is the kind of person who I could have good casual sex with” — don’t be presumptuous. Even the most cynical women tend to become strongly emotionally attached to the people they sleep with, and especially to good lovers. Because sex is as important to women as it is to men. In addition, it is important for the narcissist to arouse feelings of love so that the woman will give herself up, body and soul, in order to feel his power over her — but afterwards he loses interest in yesterday’s toy. You have done your part in helping inflate the narcissistic ego. Having enjoyed his victory, the narcissist throws away the toy, declaring that he is not ready for a serious relationship. And you won’t understand what’s going on and will suffer like hell. It’s even more painful because just yesterday you were in paradise: for the first time in your life you met a person who was “really right for you” (as it seemed to you due to the adjustments the manipulator made for you during the stage of taming the victim) and he obviously wasn’t indifferent to you either. So why did it suddenly turn out like this? The unfortunate ones who survived such games with themselves, will never get rid of that bitterness until the end of their days: how wonderful everything was at the beginning — like never before! And how suddenly and horribly it all ended.
For me, it was a discovery that men, just like women, can consciously excite, provoking, but not bringing the matter to the bedroom. Spark this flame to bind the victim, make her an obedient puppet. And this is also a great reason to devalue the “dirty nymphomaniac” and laugh at her. Psychopaths and psychopathic narcissists are very prone to tease the victim by giving her the opposite of what she wants: if she craves sex, she is denied it (with provoking caresses to increase her misunderstanding and suffering). And if a woman has a weak temperament or doesn’t want this partner, she will often be raped (once the bird is caught).
Narcissists and psychopaths are usually bad with loyalty, but not always. It all depends on the partner, their upbringing, temperament, on how much effort they put into work, and so on. But sooner or later, narcissists who are bored with the usual routine idealize someone else — a new “love” comes their way.
It so happened that I got into relationships almost exclusively with narcissists. But Max was average in bed (you shouldn’t expect much skill from a shy 20-year-old narc). Psychopathic narc Ananasov literally wore me down with sex, knew different positions, but I didn’t want him, I can’t stand the smell of alcohol/fumes on anyone’s breath, and over the 4 months of our relationship he increasingly disgusted me as a person. After the first time he strangled me during intercourse, I naively believed the vows he gave that this would not happen again (I was 21, with almost zero life and sexual experience). But after the second strangulation attempt, when in the morning this asshole instead of apologizing began to yell angrily at me that this hadn’t happened, that I made it all up, I finally broke off the relationship.
Boris was a skilled lover — technically. But I was oppressed by the inability to achieve true intimacy. As if our bodies were together, but nothing more. Remember, this is the key point about relationships with narcissists and psychopaths! Genuine intimacy with them is impossible — either in life or in bed.
My husband loves me, despite my stretch marks, cellulite and a few extra pounds. After relationships with narcissists, this never ceases to amaze, because narcissists praise partners only during the short period of idealization, then their devaluation and poisonous mocking will affect everything, including your appearance, temperament and abilities. So, ugly Max drilled complexes into my head about my own unattractiveness, so that I wouldn’t exchange him for another guy. Or I remember as once I found an office manager wiping her tears away. It turned out that her boyfriend had once again brought up the topic of how terrible her cellulite was. “Show me, I’ll tell you the truth” — on Oksana’s flawless buttocks were two barely noticeable dimples. Generally, she was a spectacular girl who looked like a model. “You shouldn’t stay with the abuser! You’ll have men lining up for you — guys who won’t insult or humiliate you for any reason.” “The heart wants what it wants.” Yes, that’s what they say — but if you’re in a relationship with an abuser, you’ll have to say to your heart: “Stop! This is dangerous here. This relationship and this person are destroying me.”
“How he tortured me! Yes, the sex was fabulous, but even the best sex is not worth what I experienced. Reliability and trust are much more important,” said Larisa, who was married to a narcissist for 11 years and had two children with him. Alas, in a relationship with a narc, you’ll never get either reliability or trust: he will never trust you, and you will no longer be able to trust him.
Remember: psychopaths and narcissists know exactly what to say and do to lure, hold and win back their victims, but it’s all just a game. They are incapable of true love. They will never be able to love someone as they are, with all the imperfections (which is true love) and without the desire to remake the other person for themselves. Moreover, they are incapable of even understanding what true love is. Therefore, love and other positive feelings expressed by others are seen as suspicious by narcissists — they always expect some kind of self-interest, a desire to cheat them (they judge based on their own attitude towards others). If a loving person is obviously sincere, she/he will be declared crazy.
For narcissists and psychopaths, marriage is often calculated to obtain living space/a suitable mother for their children/a walking wallet. But sometimes, this can also happen at the idealization stage, if the narcissist’s source seems very attractive, giving a sea of emotions and doesn’t allow him to get bored.
Never believe the vows of narcissists and psychopaths that now “everything will be different”: it will only be worse. Since with your return, you are giving tacit consent to this kind of treatment. That’s how they take it.
TO BE CONTINUED! There will be even MORE IMPORTANT information in my new posts! Especially for people traumatized by toxic partners and narcissistic parents. Stay tuned to find out how to protect yourself from toxic personalities, how to heal from abuse, and how to get rid of malware of codependency and CPTSD. How to find and keep real love, how to create healthy relationships!
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