Understand Your Suffering (to Stop It)
People who have been in relationships with toxic personalities, and especially those who grew up in families where at least one close relative is a narcissist, often suffer from CPTSD — complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Like those who have been in slavery or captivity!
This is not the same as PTSD — post-traumatic stress disorder after an accident or being in a war. CPTSD is a consequence of long-term psychological abuse, often in addition to physical + sexual abuse. This is not one traumatic situation, as in PTSD, but many, stretched out over time, and the person found themselves in against their will. Such a child was told daily that it would be better if he/she didn’t exist, that they do everything wrong, that they are ugly, that no one will ever love them, because their character is terrible. When such a kid was beaten and mocked, it was because they “brought it on yourself with your ungrateful mug” or because it was “for your own good.” If sexual abuse occurred, other family members preferred to ignore it (which is also helped along by narcissistic gaslighting) or blamed the child for what was happening (that he/she was lying and had perverse fantasies).
By the way, narcissists are prone to pedophilia and incest. In short, narcissists tend to be autoerotic (that is, they are sexually aroused by themselves). They perceive their children and other relatives not as separate individuals, but as extensions of themselves. Children also attract narcissists with their joy of life not yet killed in them. That is, narcissists are dangerous not only for their partners, but even for their own children!
And even if there was only psychological abuse in the form of neglect, a child whose feelings are ignored or who is forbidden from expressing them is subjected to stress commensurate with being in a war zone.
CPTSD is a serious neurobiological disorder affecting all areas of a person’s life. Remaining in a state of chronic stress causes constant overexcitation of the nervous system. This is especially true for children — when such kids grow up, they are prone to dysregulation (both due to prolonged abuse and because no one taught them how to bring their state of mind back to normal, as happens in healthy families). It’s more difficult for such people to concentrate and to control their emotions. They have less energy than others, they get tired faster.
Living in a state of chronic stress is devastating for both your mental and physical health. Children in abusive families often grow up with consistently elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which affects the functioning of the brain, nervous system and the whole body. These children often have allergies, other autoimmune diseases, metabolic disorders, and endocrine diseases. Long-term elevated cortisol and adrenaline also lead to colitis and ulcers of the stomach and intestines, glaucoma, cataracts, brittle bones, oncology, endocrine and cardiovascular diseases. Due to chronically elevated levels of cortisol, all my childhood I had an increased level of leukocytes, skin rashes, a constantly stuffy nose (all of this went away when I left my father’s house, although my independent life was also full of severe stresses — but abuse, especially from those who are obliged to care and protect is even more terrible). I also have osteopenia due to chronically elevated cortisol levels for many years and as a result, I’ve fractured several of my toes, ribs and spine (the latter occurred while lifting a heavy object, which I had repeatedly lifted before when cleaning. Chronic stress breaks your spine both literally and figuratively. A spinal fracture is a 10 out of 10 pain for weeks, so treat your CPTSD and lower your cortisol levels!).
Narcissistic abuse survivors have an overactive amygdala — a part of the brain that mobilizes the entire body in case of danger to repel an attack or flight, causing the production of the very same cortisol and adrenaline, and so on. In people with CPTSD, the amygdala is on “alarm” mode all the time. Chronic stress increases growth in the neurons of the amygdala and decreases the growth of neurons in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is responsible for awareness and informed decision making. Experiments have shown that just two weeks of chronic stress break normal connections between nerve centers for months!
Prolonged abuse leads to shrinkage of the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory. It is not surprising that partners and children of narcissists and psychopaths often complain of inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, “memory lapses” (this is how protective dissociation manifests itself when the body can no longer withstand the abuse). The victims feel chronic fatigue — and at the same time they have difficulty sleeping.
One of the most characteristic symptoms of CPTSD is emotional flashbacks: you seem to fall back into the past and re-experience painful moments with the same force. But it often happens that victims no longer remember traumatic events from early childhood (later events can be forced out of memory into the subconscious so as not to destroy the psyche — this is one of the defense mechanisms. One such episode from the period when I was 12, I only remembered at the age of 30, when I was ready to endure it, albeit with difficulty).
Flashbacks usually occur after some kind of trigger, which may or may not be clear. For example, a person may experience an inexplicable worsening of their mood on the weekends — but if you dig deeper, it turns out that these were the days that their abusive father was home. Or, if in childhood you woke up with a sense of guilt and duty to your parents, ALREADY in a bad mood, it’s very likely that you will continue to get into a depressed and irritated state immediately after waking up. You explain this away as being due to your heavy workload, but other people with the same or an even heavier workload may not feel as overwhelmed and dissatisfied with their lives.
During an emotional flashback, you can suddenly become incredibly sad. Feelings of anxiety, fear, or anger may occur. Many have a desire to hide, become invisible, “disappear.”
Triggers can be a loud noise, a smell, hunger, fatigue, a similar situation, someone’s mocking gaze, a disdainful tone, a hurtful remark, or the feeling that you are unseen/unheard, provoking childhood abandonment trauma. I realized that my trigger is working with slumped shoulders (at the computer, when washing dishes, etc.) After some time, a feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, and overwhelming despair rolls over me. Tears do not bring relief. Therefore, when the first symptoms appear (they grow quickly), I now try to immediately change my position, do several exercises to stretch my pectoral, shoulder and neck muscles. By the way, since childhood and until recently, they were like a stone, frozen with a terrible tension: all the massage therapists I periodically went to were amazed and unable to help. When I started doing relaxation and stretching exercises, as well as daily self-massage, I began to feel much better. And if you think about it, it’s clear why such a position causes bouts of despair: when we are depressed, we involuntarily hunch over, shrink into a ball. So the pose involuntarily provokes a return to the past you want to forget.
Other characteristic symptoms of CPTSD (may not be all of these signs. The most basic is emotional flashbacks in response to triggers):
* Emotional instability, difficulty controlling emotions. The general emotional affect is often flattened.
* Irritability, angry outbursts when triggered.
* You may not understand your own and other people’s emotions, because of this and the lack of ability to regulate your own emotions, you often have problems in communication.
* Hypersensitivity, especially to noises.
* Sleep problems. Difficulty falling asleep, grogginess in the morning.
* Constant internal tension, a feeling of hypervigilance. Anxiety. The desire to control everything. Perfectionism.
* Dissociation is another defense mechanism of the psyche: it’s as if your emotions have frozen over and you don’t feel anything. The most common version is that only the positive emotions become “frozen.” Many people with CPTSD report feelings of emptiness and a loss of the ability to feel joy, love, and compassion. Regarding the past, the person seems to remember the traumatic event as if it didn’t happen to him/her, as if it was a movie, or happened to someone else. But sooner or later, an avalanche of repressed feelings will suddenly flood over them, and then it will be incredibly difficult. More severe dissociation also manifests itself as “gaps” in memory, in time. In the mildest cases, it looks like absent-mindedness and the inability to concentrate. You stare blankly at the TV screen, while your life flies by.
* Distorted self-image, low self-esteem, toxic shame and guilt implanted by an abusive caregiver or partner.
* Distorted perception of the abuser — Stockholm Syndrome, justifying the actions of the tormentor and shifting responsibility from the abuser to oneself (“I am to blame.”)
* A feeling of loneliness and that other people are unable to understand you (this is somewhat true — those who haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse for themselves actually are unable to realize how insidious and destructive this sophisticated and all-pervasive type of abuse is). Tendency to social isolation due to fear of rejection and condemnation.
* Feeling like trash, abandoned, like nobody needs you.
* Possible suicidal ideations.
* Fear of emotional or physical closeness, spurring sexual problems (from complete abstinence to promiscuity).
* A feeling that you’re responsible for the happiness of others (this is also a symptom of codependency).
* Excessive compliance due to fear of being alone (this also applies to codependency).
* Distortion of the foundations of personality: for example, the person was religious, but after experiencing traumatic events stopped believing in God. Or it has become difficult to trust men/women, people in general. Such a person begins to sincerely believe that there are no decent men/women with whom one could build normal relationships. So there remains a “choice” — either an abuser or loneliness.
* The desire to avoid triggers, people, situations, and places that are reminiscent of trauma. And rightly so, since every encounter with triggers leads to severe stress. That is why people who have experienced abuse in childhood run away from their parents’ home as early as they can. And then they try to reduce contact with their parents-torturers to a minimum. This is the right behavior. If you have children together with your abuser and it is impossible to avoid communication, contact him mainly through text messages.
In children, CPTSD can sometimes be misdiagnosed as ADHD. CPTSD in adults is sometimes confused with depression, bipolar type 2 disorder (when depression is replaced not by mania, but by a “normal” mood), and borderline personality disorder. By the way, BPD is CPTSD in the extreme. It occurs very often in childhood sex abuse victims (this also includes non-penetrative assault: remember all those perverts who snuggled up to you on public transport and those “good guy” assholes who would pull little girls up to ride on their knees?)
In BPD, a person is often thrown from + to -, from idealization to devaluation, from high spirits to sadness. While with CPTSD alone, the perception of others remains adequate. With BPD a person often has no understanding of themselves: what am I? Borderlines also often self-harm and prone to suicidal ideations when they are dumped by the partner (the risk of being abandoned is the worst fear for a borderline). As a result, such people pretty often do indeed commit suicide.
TO BE CONTINUED! There will be even MORE IMPORTANT information in my new posts! Especially for people traumatized by toxic partners and narcissistic parents. Stay tuned to find out how to protect yourself from toxic personalities, how to heal from abuse, and how to get rid of malware of codependency and CPTSD. How to find and keep real love, how to create healthy relationships!
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