Why a Relationship With a Narcissist Hurts So Much
And the breakup hurts even more
Narcissists and psychopaths make up about 15% of the population. Relationships with them affect and traumatize many people. Of course, any breakup is complicated and very painful. But when two psychologically mature people break up, they retain memories of the good and are grateful for it.
They can even remain friends, as they continue to see positive traits in the ex-partner, even if their personalities and habits clashed. But narcissists at the devaluation stage see only your flaws (most of which they invented and are a projection of their own negative qualities that they are trying to impose on you).
If, in addition, they no longer see any benefit to keeping you around, the narcissist will leave without hesitation. And, as self-aware psychopathic narcissist Sam Vaknin explains, if the former “beloved” later has problems, the narcissist will not care at all, as if there were never any bonds between them.
Parting with a narcissist is always complicated by their hostility, even up to smear campaigns against you, and other actions to harm you. Preferably, as much as possible. For example, the narcissist doesn’t want to take care of the children you share — but they will definitely try to sue you for custody!
Only now do you begin to realize the extent of their lies: that all their words of love and promises were just future-faking, which confirms the narc’s indifference to your pain, and even joy at the sight of it. It also suddenly turns out that behind your back, they were constantly messing with someone (even if the narc swore that they didn’t do this or stopped). You feel betrayed, and this is not at all surprising. Moreover, this is a betrayal by the person closest to you! And still loved.
Psychologist Sam Vaknin has put forth the idea that narcissists engage their partners in a “double motherhood” cycle. As Vaknin explains, at the beginning of a relationship, narcissists surround their partner with unconditional love (or rather, skillfully create such an illusion).
Usually, only a mother loves her child unconditionally, and even that’s not always true. The feeling that you are loved and accepted for who you are is amazing (especially if you have not experienced it before). Feeling unconditional love and acceptance also allows you to love yourself (finally).
Narcissists revert the person they’re taming to the psychological state of a little child, inspiring complete trust and affection like a baby has for a loving mother. The narc instills the idea in their partner: “I will take care of you like the best mommy in the world if you become a ‘mother’ for me too” — and the object of the love bombing has a sincere desire to care about the narcissist in response. And then the narc takes away all their love.
After that the victim is not just lost — they have psychologically become an orphan! And suffers as much as a child who has lost their mother. And in addition, as a parent who has lost their little child! This is why parting with narcissists is so painful, even if you remember their terrible behavior very well.
That is why it is so difficult to leave and forget the narcissist and this feeling of unconditional acceptance and care, which no one else has given to you. Yes, starting a relationship with the narcissist was magical. But alas, all this was only an imitation of true love in order to bind their resource to themself. For the sake of taming and using you.
Don’t forget, too, that breaking up with narcissists always means breaking a trauma bond. Sometimes it is harder than getting rid of heroin addiction! However, you can do it! But the longer the relationship with the toxic personality, the more difficult it will be to break this trauma bond.
Having fallen in love with the narcissist, you fell in love with the image they created. It’s like falling in love with the hero in a movie: you understand that the actor and the role played by him are not the same things. A person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder has an emptiness inside, a black hole. And you will never be able to fill this bottomless well with your love, no matter how hard you try.
Relationships with a narcissist are always a one-sided game: you will give endlessly, with little to no return. You will be simply a resource for him, you will be obliged to feed him with admiration and other emotions. To take care of him, serve his needs, and support him while suffering through his mood swings.
In return, you will receive tons of criticism — very soon the narcissist will not only devalue you but also project the negative qualities that he doesn’t want to see in himself. He will do this both by nit-picking and accusing and by creating unbearable emotional stress. It hangs in the air like a thundercloud and it is impossible to withstand the tension for a long time, so even the most persistent give up.
So you end up being provoked to do what the narcissist is accusing you of. If you often hear: “You explode all the time, I’m afraid of your aggression. Stop yelling!” you will eventually start to actually lose your temper and raise your voice, even if at first you didn’t, and “Don’t yell!” was barked in response to your polite words in a normal tone.
And overall, you’ve heard from other people your whole life that you’re a well-balanced and patient person. But the worst thing is that over time you yourself will start to believe that you have those negative qualities that the narcissist projects onto you (this is called projective identification).
Because of the endless gaslighting and denial of your true feelings, and the ban on expressing them, you will become anxious, your health will deteriorate, and your strength will dwindle. And when you are completely exhausted, the narcissist will leave you — there are no happy endings with such people.
No matter what sweet words the narcissist says, remember that true love is impossible without sympathy and care, otherwise it is the selfish satisfaction of one’s need through another person. If you constantly feel guilty and not good/beautiful/skillful/worthy enough, if your partner regularly ignores and devalues you and your feelings, engages in gaslighting and other psychological manipulations (or, even worse, if your tears bring a satisfied smile to his face), don’t wait until the abuser will raise his hand to you.
Run, save your mental and physical health! Don’t be tricked by a spoonful of honey mixed into a barrel of shit and poison! Ask yourself the question: when I was feeling bad, did this person help? Did they at least offer emotional support? As a rule, narcissists cannot be near either sorrow or joy, alas.
Relationships with them are a constant insecurity and an increasing loss of your sense of self. They are yearning for unfulfilled hopes. They are pain and rage over broken promises. They are eternal loneliness together.
TO BE CONTINUED! There will be even MORE IMPORTANT information in my new posts! Especially for people traumatized by toxic partners and narcissistic parents. Stay tuned to find out how to protect yourself from toxic personalities, how to heal from abuse, and how to get rid of malware of codependency and CPTSD. How to find and keep real love, how to create healthy relationships!
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