LIFE SKILLS
The 2 Relationships You Need To Thrive!
On self-improvement
“The best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” — Helen Keller
Our relationships define the quality of our lives. We are the product of our relationships. The more intentional we are about choosing and developing our relationships, the more successful we become in living better lives.
Progressive life requires progressive relationships. So in order to thrive, we need powerful relationships. Powerful relationships require strategy and discernment.
Just like a tall building needs a strong foundation, a life of high standards (of fulfillment, health, wealth) needs to be founded in these 2 types of relationships:
- Accountability Partnerships
- Empathetic Witnesses
It is easy to fall into the trap of pursuing transactional relationships — where we give something with the expectation of getting something back. The nature of these two relationships is such that they are, by nature, transformational — where you are looking for transformation (of self and others). They are not transactional.
Of the two relationships, I have been having empathetic witnesses for the last 15 years, and, accountability partners for the last 7 months. Not only have I made huge progress in my physical, professional, and social life, but also witnessed firsthand others making significant progress in their lives.
In this article, I will define these two relationships, why they are important, and how they work.
Accountability Partner
An accountability partner is someone who keeps you accountable and wants you to keep him/her accountable. You both share the need to live with accountability in your lives.
“When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported back, the rate of improvement accelerates.”
— Pearson’s Law
We need accountability in our lives. So much of our dreams, desires, goals go to waste simply because we forget them or lose consistency in executing.
For instance, many people have new year goals around January 1st, but with time, they slide away into oblivion as their excitement and motivation gradually wear off.
When you have an accountability partner, you have both the “push” and the “pull” to set goals, follow up, commit, achieve, and progress. Progress is the only way forward. You expect your partner to grow, and you also feel his/her expectation for you to grow.
You both understand that no accountability means no progress. So you value accountability to the highest. You both understand that accountability is at the very base for any type of achievement. Therefore, you set high accountability standards for each other.
This is a transformational relationship where your success depends on the growth of the other person. The more your partner grows, the more inspired you are to set higher standards for yourself.
Depending on your preferences and availability you can have 1 to 3 accountability partners. Anything more than 3 will compromise the depth and the value you need in this relationship. Having 2 would be ideal as it would allow the 3 of your to triangulate and keep going on whenever one of the three is not available.
So how does it work?
First of all, it is important to keep in mind that you don’t need to have the same goals, similar jobs, or compatible interests with your accountability partner. My accountability buddy is into computer programming and I am in social sciences. I don’t understand much of his tasks but that’s not the point and it doesn’t matter. I simply keep him accountable, as he does to me.
So how do we do it?
We text each other 2 things daily: the score for the day and the 3 planned wins for the next day.
There are four possible scores for the day: 0/3, 1/3, 2/3, or 3/3. If you achieved all the 3 wins we set yesterday for today, then the score is 3/3. If you achieve none then it is 0/3, and likewise.
This score is followed by the 3 wins you plan to achieve tomorrow.
That’s it. This should take about 2 minutes, literally.
It is absolutely required that you have text communication daily. As you develop this partnership, you will gather momentum with time. Once you establish a strong foundation in daily accountability partnership for a few weeks, you can then add weekly, and then the monthly meetings (in that order) with your accountability buddy.
In the weekly meeting, you talk about the major wins and the challenges of the past week and set the goals for the coming week as well. In the monthly meetings, you would do the same.
Here is an article from Life Coach and Organization Psychologist Dr. Ben Hardy that I have used time and time again to remind myself about accountability partnerships.
With my accountability buddy, we do our daily reporting via text and have an online video chat weekly.
Just like anything, with practice it gets better. You and your partner(s) will figure out what questions should be asked to the other person to help them “push through” their challenges.
Currently, both my accountability partner and I feel like we are growing in this relationship, and we look forward to our weekly calls while keeping each other accountable for the daily reports as well via text messaging.
You both must value accountability as something crucial to your success.
I personally had to go through 2 other partnerships before I found my current buddy.
We need accountability in our lives as it makes us more responsible, honest, giving, and thus — better. With accountability partners, you set yourself up to win in life.
Empathetic Witness
“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” — Peter Levine
An empathetic witness will help you reframe your trauma. We all have traumas. Traumas (no matter how big or small) are what keep us from growing and progressing in life.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Your network of “empathetic witnesses” encourages you to continue moving forward through your ups and downs in life.
Being empathetic is the opposite of being judgmental.
When someone has been through a difficult or threatening experience, being seen, heard, and understood is the most important thing that person might need. Sometimes, that’s all that is needed.
“Molehills can become mountains if you don’t have an empathetic witness to help you process and reframe your experiences. A true empathetic witness encourages you to decide what you can do to move forward.” — Ben Hardy
My partner, Aboo, just realized something about herself as a result of having a talk with her cousin, May, who is an empathetic listener to her.
After a long talk over the phone, May helped Aboo realize why sometimes she was perceived as “insensitive” by others. This had mainly to do with her relationship with her mother since childhood.
People close to Aboo had been complaining about why she wasn’t sensitive enough, or able to show elevated emotions, at certain times. Even towards people who hurt her, she didn’t express any emotions. But she always thought the way she reacted (or didn't react) was completely natural.
Upon speaking with May for a few hours, she was able to make the connection between the way she felt about her current relationships with her loved ones, and her relationship with her mother.
She never felt the “tight” bonding with her mother because her mother was always busy working to make ends meet for the family. She also lost her father when she was 3 years old.
She was only able to discover this after May told her about her own “close and loving” relationship with her mother, and why May is so sensitive — very different from Aboo.
May simply allowed Aboo to see her own story parallel to May’s without any judgment. This allowed Aboo to understand her own personality, reframe her past, and allow her to change her personality.
May was Aboo’s empathetic listener.
Aboo, in turn, is my empathetic listener. Earlier this year, I was going through some difficult emotions associated with bullying. Simply by listening to me and making non-judgmental comments she helped me reframe my past and grow through this experience. My emotions changed from anger, vengeance to compassion, and courage.
A friend of mine, Eric, runs a center for abused children called Hope for the Silent Voices. As a child, he was sexually abused. It was from his own experience that he developed his sensitivity towards others, including being able to spot children who are abused. Today, he spends most of his time running his center with help from other people. One thing he has become really good at is being an empathetic listener to others because he understands that everyone needs it.
“It is the honest connection between two human beings that, in the end, makes what we endured together understandable and meaningful.” — Lynn Wilson
In the absence of an empathetic witness, it is easy to feel like a victim and carry that feeling for an entire lifetime.
It is not what happens to you but how you interpret those events that determine your feelings, and attitude towards life in general.
Turn your traumas to strength, and help to do that for others. Find empathetic witnesses in your life, and be am empathetic witness to someone else. This is one of the more precious things you have in life — both in terms of receiving and giving.
Being an empathetic listener brings trust. Trust builds confidence and allows you to be courageous and commit to higher standards in life.
Conclusion
Our relationships define who we are. We are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with, as the motivational speaker Jim Rohn put it.
This is why it is crucial to intentionally design and choose our relationships. The quality of our relationships dictate our environment, and our environment shapes our growth.
Of the many relationships that we need and desire in life, accountability, and empathy are crucial to our growth and success.
Having accountability on a daily basis is best done by having at least one accountability partner who will help keep us accountable and who we can keep accountable. No accountability, no progress.
We all suffer traumas — big or small. Without an empathetic witness — someone who can give us the gift of being present to listen to us without judgment — our traumas are never solved or morphed into power. That is why we all need an empathetic witness and become one to others.
Accountability partners and empathetic witnesses are the two key relationships that make us thrive. They are more than the way forward — they are the very fabrics that weave a purposeful life.
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Upen Singh writes about people and progress. He is interested in making lives better.
Having traveled to over 25 countries he is always seeking new adventures to learn from and share. He has an M.A. in Developmental Economics from West Virginia University.
He lives in Thailand, Nepal, and the United States, constantly traveling. He is currently involved in a rural development project in far-west Nepal.
