Toffy’s Divide: Theme 7 — Ego & Self Awareness

Just breathe. The constant chatter in your mind ain’t you.

Back when I was working as an engineer in Austin, TX, I was surrounded by a lot of experienced engineers and wise people.

As the youngest in my group, my older colleagues were eager to share information and pass on their knowledge to me (the young up-and-coming engineer).

Together, we spent a lot of long hours at factories, driving to factories, having breakfast and dinner at hotels.

I learned a lot about their families, goals, journeys, world views, and philosophies.

Power of Now

The most important moment in history is now. The present.

One that was very influential was when a colleague of mine introduced me to a book called the power of now.

He was so enthused about the ideas in the book.

His enthusiasm moved to go buy the book at the borders (a local bookstore from back in the days).

I read the book and I had never really been exposed to the ideas in them. I was very open to different philosophies as I tried to figure out the path of a young immigrant in the U.S. Consuming books on religion, philosophy, politics. All these books were very engaging but the Power of Now was different.

The focus of staying in the present was new to me. After all, I had been trained to always “future-think.”

“What’s my next goal?”
“Where do I want to be in life in 10years?”
“Am I going in the right direction?”

Those thoughts consumed my mind. Add that to the thoughts of the past.

Recounting past wrongs.
Regrets.
“Perhaps I could have done this or that better.”

The book was my initial introduction to paying attention to the present moment by focusing on my breath.

I was open to the idea but it never really stuck as a practice.

Energy of Then

Fast forward to three years after I picked up the book for the first time. It was 2014.

I was on my way to one of the top business schools in the world. I was excited. A transition from my old life to a new one. To say I was eager for this new phase in life would be an understatement.

One day, two months before my MBA program starts, I’m playing basketball and POP!!!

A sharp pain just above the heel of my leg accompanied by a popping sound.

“What’s that?” I thought.

I look back and see that no one was close by. No one had kicked me.

Oh sh*t. I realized.

I had just torn my Achilles in my left leg.

Again, to say it was a humbling experience would be an understatement.

When your ego and identity of being physically fit and able is challenged, you begin to wonder “who am I really?”

That’s what was happening to me, internally.

Through months of wearing a cast and going through rehab, I couldn’t be as physically active as I was used to.

I realized how important physical activity was to me. It’s like medicine.

I move to clear my mind. I exercise both for the physical and mental benefits.

You are not your mind nor ego

I couldn’t do that anymore while in a cast and trying to stay on pace with a tedious curriculum during the first quarter at my MBA program.

I found it very challenging, so instead of choosing another finance class, I decided to do a wellness class across campus, the following quarter.

The instructor provided us with wellness tips and guided us through 4-minute meditations. I have kept that meditation practice since 2015 and I still meditate every weekday since then.

I find that it centers me.

It clears out my mind and allows me to be aware of the constant chatter happening up there, including some enabling and destructive self-talk.

The practice has made me more aware of my ego and how it manifests itself in different ways.

Taking me back to the first time I picked up that book, everytime I meditate or focus on my breath, I tap into the present and slow things down.

That present and the appreciation of it is very powerful.

A reminder that even though your mind and ego is a part of you but not all of you.

You are not your mind nor ego

Ego is I, as I is Ego

But what does ego actually mean?

Put simply, the English word “ego” is the Latin word for “I.” Literally translated, ego means “I.”

Our egos give us a sense of identity and this control is beneficial to survival in what seems like a chaotic world.

According to Psychology Today, “Use of “ego” crept into psychology mostly through the work of Sigmund Freud. In Freud’s theory, the ego is the part of the personality that arbitrates between the animalistic desires of the “id” and the moral and social standards of the “superego.””

So, most terms that include “ego” involve processes or reactions in which I, me, or mine figure prominently.

Stepping away from being judgemental, this ego is not bad. Some say it’s good to have a strong sense of self. I admire people that have a clear sense of identity and can communicate that eloquently.

However, an over-hyped ego (egocentrism and egotism) can negatively impact us as individuals and the communities we live in.

Even more, it’s the lack of awareness of the ego that can be impactful. It not only stops people from building empathy with other people, it also limits the amount of dialogue between people.

Because the hyped ego says “I’m right and you’re wrong since you don’t see it my way”

Besides reducing the social cohesion in communities, it actually inhibits the individual from their own personal goals.

The ego always wants more. Never enough. Always wanting more

“Now you got, what you want, do you want more?“— Bob Marley & The Wailers, Want More

Leaving people in a chase for the illusive.

Collective introspection

The stigma about mental health has significantly reduced over the last decade.

This was also brought to the forefront during the pandemic. The social isolation, along with the fear of falling fatally ill, forced people to do a lot of reflection and introspection.

Forcing us to generate some awareness of the life that we’re living and the world that we are all co-creating.

Is it the individual’s lack of awareness that got us here?
The wars?
The inequality?
The family feuds?

As we look outward into the world, we also have to look inwards to accept the self-responsibility of our contribution to the whole.

The less we are self aware, the less likely we have the space to empathize and build social bonds.

When we are not aware of our actions and how we respond to things, we also lose the agency of being capable of change.

Forgetting that we have a role in the present, we adopt the victim mentality.

“Ohh….It’s the outside world working on me.”

A sense of being acted on and not being the actor, shields us away from taking responsibility for the world we’re in.

And this can only be fostered by taking stock of yourself, your ego, and your contributions to the positive and negative that we see in the world.

The Ego & Self Awareness in Toffy’s Divide

The quest for self awareness was a major theme in Toffy’s Divide.

Imagine a world where you are not allowed space for reflection. Everything around you, depending on the side of the line you fall on, is either perfect or total destruction.

You are constantly bombarded with content that’s catered to you. With ubiquitous screens vying for every microsecond of the eye-twitch of your attention.

Leaving no time to think.
Not even when you blink.
No in betweens to explore the self.
No moment to appreciate the NOW or anything else.

From the hyped up expertise touted by the so-called experts, the greed-induced egotism of the councilmen, and the egocentric nature of the megalomaniac boss in charge of the enterprise that runs the city, Toffy’s Divide is a world filled with the self-absorbed ego.

Although very subtle, Toffy’s quest is a story of courage and self determination.

A self examination of himself and the world he had helped build. His urge to write came from a need to challenge the norms of the world he lived in, ultimately challenging himself.

The Hope of Self-Awareness

When I started writing Toffy’s Divide, I just needed a short story for a mixtape I was working on.

In the absence of a prompt, I decided I’d write a story about a guy writing a story 🙂

This took me down a windy journey to eventually publish Toffy’s Divide five years after that prompt.

I learned a lot about writing and storytelling.

Writing as an exercise allows me to also recognize the constant mind chatter and the negative ‘self-doubt’ that a lot of writers talk about.

“That line is not good enough”
“Really, you’re going to write that? I thought you had better ideas”

But with each line I remind myself to be in the present and just write. You can always come back to it in the future to make it better in a “future NOW.”

The quest for totally living in the now is a continuous one. The journey of self awareness is always evolving and so is the ego too.

That’s why the journey and the focus on the practice of being present is what’s important.

I’m very hopeful that we can take on more self awareness practices and work on reducing our ego-centeredness through practices such as meditation, exercise, reading, writing, or appreciating music.

When you’re engrossed in a good book, working on an engaging task, having a comfortable conversation, or are in a flow experience, your “I” has receded into the background.

Because the more we are all aware, the more we can claim our roles as historical beings and agents of transformation.

Transforming reality and writing our existence into the future in every breathing moment.

The most important moment in history is now. The present.

Count your blessings.

These are the hopes we have for the Toffy’s Domes NFT Project.

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