Why You Don’t Need Resolutions this New Year
It’s that time of year again. The one where you’re taking out that notepad and writing down all your resolutions for the year. Well, you know what? Don’t bother. We go against the grain to tell you why New Year’s resolutions are a waste of your time…
“Have you made your New Year’s resolutions yet?” my Mum asked me last night and the first thing I thought was ‘Oh god, this must mean Santa Claus-mas Day must be over and that that old Happy New Year dinosaur must be rearing it’s ugly head somewhere down my frigging street. Great!’
Obviously, this isn’t the first time she’s asked. She’s been nagging me about it since the middle of June.
Which isn’t a bad thing because from a retired teacher’s perspective, the end of a year is always a good time to take stock and think about what you really want to include in your teaching syllabus next year but screw it, man! This is not school. Resolutions suck!
In fact, what I really want to do is to resolutely lie in a shallow kid’s pool (I can’t swim) and have someone serve me a huge-ass banana split with all the toppings I can think of with a cute person massaging my tired, old feet.
Resolutions do nothing but stress me out. They’re why so many people end up in a shrink’s office, biting their nails asking for their next dose of Prozac. All these unrealistic expectations of oneself just won’t help you. AT ALL. Simply because resolutions are – wait for it – NOT REAL.
If any of you can name me one person who achieved their resolution and enjoyed it, then I’ll eat this blog (yeah right!) but I’m pretty sure a majority of human beings aren’t that stupid, especially with the pleasure principle staring at your face everyday, 24-7.
Most of us intrinsically know there are better things out there than stinky, yucky, forced resolutions. Like porn, for instance. Or cheese. Hence, why I can think of a few reasons why you don’t need resolutions this year. Or the next year and the one after that…
- God is already paying for all your sins – why should you bother?
I mean seriously. God is always there for you with a packet of Kleenex and baby wipes to swipe all your sins away. Must you stress yourself even more to be the next Agnes of God in this thing called ‘your life’? Lighten up coz, congratulations! You’re already here in hell on Earth.
2. You don’t have Scarlett Johansson’s beauty or the fierce fighting bod of Jean Claude Van Damme.
OMG! If I had a chapati for every time someone told me they hated the way they looked or weighed, I’d be a reality star on ‘Extreme Liposuction Makeover’ dying of cardiac arrest. Stop making resolutions to tame your bulge and just be bloody happy with yourself for being alive. Exercise is for health, not for vanity. That’s just a perk.
3. Quality time with Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn.
If there’s anything I love, it’s spending quality time with friends and family – on social media. #Hashtag. I mean c’mon, get real. We all have rosy ideas about re-creating our own Forrest Gump moments with our loved ones but how many loved ones have you seen at picnics, music concerts, restaurants and parties spending more face-time tinkering around with their mobile devices, updating stuff on their social media than talking to each other? Yeah, I figured. Don’t even go there, people! #hashtagthismofos
4. Try smoking carbon monoxide for a change.
I’m going to quit smoking. Again, if I had a chapati for every time I heard this Pulitzer prize-winning story…yada, yada, yada….blah, blah, blah. So, you can’t quit the smokes? Simple, try plastering yourself to the end of a car’s exhaust pipe for a day. Now, that’s some real good smokin’ right there, y’all. Mmmmmm…..mmmm….mmmm…..My lungs are happily choking already.
5. Computers Organize. You’re Human. You don’t.
Wanna get organised? Well, let’s face it. Besides my computer, I don’t know of anyone in this world who isn’t at some point clutter-challenged. Humans are the original inventors of chaos and we’re proud of it. Look at the state of the world today. No, wait. Look at the state of your own mind. Your emotions. The seat around your toilet. Admit it. You’re 100% pure clutter material. Even your disorganized computer desktop thinks so, so clean up your act and may the mess be ever in your favour.
6. Your middle name isn’t ‘Paid in Cash’.
Getting out of debt is another classic resolution especially when the person is spending more than they earn. There’s no mystery about how people get into financial trouble. They just buy stuff they don’t need or do things they can’t afford. In fact, many of them pretend they don’t have a bank account. Look, unless you’re a meth dealer from AMC’s ‘Breaking Bad’, you’re basically going to always be owing somebody something so stop deluding yourself.
To end off, let me quote Mr Oscar Wilde who once said “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” Think about it. Especially if you’re a No.6 on this list and your cheques are bouncing all over the place. Happy New Year!
