FRIEND ZONE
Why I encourage guys to have platonic relationships with women
Let me begin by saying that this is intended for both men and women to read. I think it’s important to have men understand where I’m coming from, as it is equally important for women to understand where I am coming from as well. The reason for this is because we live (in my opinion) in a very binary society when it comes to how we view relationships with the opposite sex. I know many guys who claim they cannot have friends that are girls (especially if they find them attractive) and I know girls that say all guys are animals and they only have one thing in mind. And although these are both very true statements in their own right — especially being a 25 (and handsome ;) year old male, living in Los Angeles. A city notorious for it’s “you don’t look for love in LA” slogan which was coined by the very people living here. But I digress.
Let me get to the point
The most beautiful women in my life, are my best friends.
Intelligent, funny, passionate, hard working and to be perfectly blunt — very aesthetically pleasing. Or, in layman’s terms . . . hot as fuck. Yeah I said, my friends who are girls are all really fucking attractive— deal with it. Oh and yeah, I tell them that with no ulterior motive; crazy right?
Let me explain:
A while back I was best friends with a girl and we kinda sorta maybe, definitely crossed the friend zone line. It wasn’t awkward or anything after, but we were both kinda like “hey what the fuck do we do now?” I had left town for the summer and she spent a majority of it away with family as well. We talked frequently because we were still best friends but neither of us brought up the fact that we haven’t talked about what happens now. Do we remain friends? Do we try and pursue something more? Or do we just slowly drift away? She spoke up one day and said that she was okay with wanting to pursue something more if I was too. The summer was coming to a close and I told her I would know what I wanna do when we were both back in town and could talk about it face-to-face. My flight back home was about 4 hours and this was the only thing I could think about. What. The. Hell. Do. I. Do? I grabbed a notebook out of backpack and made two columns — pros and cons. Yeah, that’s right — I weighed my options. To be honest, my list of pro’s were significantly longer than my list of cons — the only con being that I risk losing my best friend. She’s smart, funny, her family is amazing and the sex was nothing short of absolutely incredible. A clear choice to some, but it wasn’t for me. And then it hit me: my one con outweighed every single pro on my list because I hadn’t accounted for the one variable that determines if the risk was worth it or not; time. The longevity of having a relationship as something more vs, the longevity of our relationship as best friends.
I got back in town, we grabbed dinner at our favorite Italian spot and I told her the conclusion I had come to.
“I absolutely adore you, and it means so much more to me that you remain a best friend for the rest of my life, rather than risk having you as something more for a fraction of that time.”
This isn’t verbatim because I kinda, maybe, sorta definitely had a little something to take the edge off, but this is pretty damn close.
This all happened over 6 years ago and we’ve remained best friends since. We’ve seen other people, even been on double dates together. I see her family when I visit back east and everything is all good.
This whole experience allowed me to view relationships with women from a totally different perspective. Up until this happened, I was just like every other 20 year old dude. But this allowed me to value the type of intimacy I experience with a woman during life’s weirdest stage (your 20’s) with much deeper meaning than the sole purpose of trying to take her home.
This is a topic I could talk about for quite some time, so here’s a list (I love lists) of 5 things I’ve gained from having a few awesome female friends:
1. I’ve become a better man
I know what other men are truly like. They (my friends) share with me their dating life, what other guys say, how they act, etc. And because of this, I get a better understanding of how I can improve in areas that I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise without knowing that it’s important to a woman. Things like how important clear communication is and being upfront with your intentions. The values that women care about that aren’t talked about often. A few examples would be taking care of the little things even if they don’t verbally express it’s important to them (making her bed, taking her dog out on a walk if she’s still sleeping, making sure she’s drinking enough water during the day). And, letting them take care of you even if you don’t vocalize it.
2. I get to play big brother
I’ll be real — most dudes that date my friends fucking hate me. And honestly, I love it. They all say I have ulterior motives, I’m this, I’m that — blah, blah, blah, cough* cough* insecurity. Even if my friends have older brothers, they definitely don’t introduce who they’re dating to their family as quickly as they introduce them to their friends; aka, me. So, I get to act as an additional filter and find out what they are really all about. Hey, I’m protective over my friends, and I have no problem admitting it.
3. They get to play big sister
It goes both ways, and it’s pretty awesome.
4. I get to spoil them and treat them how I think they should be treated without any intention. It’s just because I love them
The occasional gift and home cooked meal never hurt anyone and there’s nothing better than getting the whole gang together and having a family dinner. We’re all at a point in our lives where we are working our asses off and rarely have time for ourselves so being reminded that you matter to someone is so important.
5. Wing-woman
I know what you’re thinking “Tomer you sick bastard, you’re only friends with girls so you can get other girls!”
False! It’s just a really awesome perk. Girls are way better at talking to girls than guys are — so why would I have my drunk friend who’s been in a relationship for 3 years and forgot how to talk to girls, be my wingman?
The goal for this article is to have both men and women appreciate a relationship with one another even if there’s no immediate satisfaction. There have been a few times I’ve been out drinking, met a beautiful, amazing girl and straight up told her my intention is purely friendship because I’m not at a point in my life where I can take on anything more. And those women have gone to be some of my closest friends.
And girls, same goes for you. Not every dude is trying to take you home, so if you meet someone amazing and you believe a friendship is more valuable than risking something more — let it happen.
I mentioned above the importance of stating your intentions so consider this a heads-up for my next article — because it’s time we brought a few things out in to the open.
-TEG
