VOICE LESSONS

From heartbreak, to higher-self. 5 principles that guided me to a better life.

If I were to guess, the time was probably around 10:15 am. It was a particularly brisk, spring morning and the shadows in her 7th floor apartment were starting to take their usual shape. I remember disliking staying the night at her apartment because the sun didn’t greet us until 10:00 am due to a large dorm building, selfishly enjoying the warmth the Arizona Spring brought in. The clock was inching its way towards 10:23 am and that this point, she wanted nothing to do with me. Red pencil skirt, white lace top and her irresistible matte pink lipstick — pillow talk was the name if I recall correctly. She looked absolutely breathtaking and to no surprise, she always did — even when she’d wake up next to me in the morning with no make-up on and the oversized T-shirt that I gave her to sleep in. Especially then. Me? I definitely wasn’t going to be asked to be on the cover of GQ magazine. I hadn’t slept in days, my scruff was making it’s 4th day debut and the combination of Adderall and espresso wasn’t bringing out the best of me. Needless to say, I was a wreck. Not wanting to cope with the reality that had abruptly presented itself, I was in complete denial that this was happening. Only a few months prior, she had overheard a conversation I was having with my roommate at the time who was having girlfriend problems. I had told him that I was lucky enough to have fallen madly enough with my best friend and it was that very morning, when we woke up, that I had realized THIS is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I walked back to my bedroom to see her in tears. My immediate thought was “oh shit, she heard everything and is planning her escape” — but she told me she had felt the exact same way.

It’s 10:34 am and she’s making her way out the door. She looks at me with her timeless, almond-shaped emerald eyes and with tears rolling down her cheeks she says “You’re not the same Tomer I fell in love with, you’re not the same person and I don’t know who you are. All I know is I want nothing to do with you so please, just leave me alone”. She took the elevator, I took the stairs. Seven flights felt like 700. My hangover was starting to creep in and the fact that I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours was starting to take its toll. From the 7th floor to the 5th, anger was my dominant emotion. From the 5th down to the second, regret — and by the time I had made my way down to the lobby and out the side door — heartbreak. The woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, wanted nothing to do with me.

At least not the new me, right? Clearly what she refers to as the old me was much more desirable than the new me based on her standards. When did the “new me” kick in the front door and kick the “old me” out? Was the new me only undesirable to her, or did the general population think I suck? And had I really changed at all, or was it the fact that she had changed and we just simply on the same page anymore? Most importantly, did any of this fucking matter? Was I just a guy who had gotten his heart broken, or was there something larger at play here? Were these thoughts coming from a place of anger and regret, or from something more? A voice inside of me that I had silenced for too long was trying to tell me something — and oftentimes that voice is screaming at you the loudest when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom. Little did I know that this would begin a journey in the discovery of self; a higher-self.

Through deep meditation, a principle presented itself and it became the foundation to which I use to best understand people:

“There are those that teach us through pain and those that teach us through love. It is those that teach us through pain, that are in need of the most amount of love and those that teach us through love, that have been through the most amount of pain.”

I continued my meditation on all of my encounters and the lessons I drew from them. Was it coming from a place of love, or a place of pain? I began to think about the times I reacted well, with great poise and maturity and times I responded with anger and sometimes violence. I began to ask my parents what type of child I was growing up, from their perspective — which offered a lot more insight that I anticipated. I began becoming increasingly curious about my adoption and began to wonder what my biological family is like. I took it upon myself to consume as much content as I possibly could about spirituality, religion and universal laws. Growing up, I was always the odd kid out. It was difficult for me to make friends, I questioned authority and abided by little to no rules that were set in place. I spoke my mind, even when it offended others. I was a very sensitive, stubborn and persistent kid and a lot of those characteristics are still present today. But it wasn’t until I truly surrendered to the process of my growth and understood the following 5 principles that I truly began to live my best life and have an outstanding relationship with both myself and others.

1. It’s okay to quit people

I get a lot of shit for this one, but it’s number one on the list for a reason.

There is no rule, law, or recorded evidence that we must remain in contact with people that bring us down. We have a tendency to hold onto people for the sake of comfort, belonging, and lack of self-esteem. We also fall victim to the fact that just because we have been friends with an individual (or group of people) since childhood — we must in fact, remain friends with them during our adult lives. This, is a lie. Just because you, Monica, Joey and Rachel (see what I did there) all learned to use the potty together and played on the same soccer team at age six — doesn’t mean that constitutes for a solid foundation to build your friendship on during your adult lives.

Your time and energy are extremely sacred and you should treat them both as such. If you find yourself in a constant struggle with someone and don’t see the light at the end of tunnel, it’s okay to let that person go. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to, most people don’t change their ways (because they think there is nothing wrong with the way they’re behaving) and not everyone gets wiser with age. (refer to principle 4)

Sometimes, you just gotta let people go.

2. Iron sharpens iron, dust collects dust

You know what positive people love? Positive people. You know what negative people love? You guessed it, negative people. We’ve all heard the saying “you are a product of the 5 people you surround yourself with” and I couldn’t agree more. Take a good look at who you spend a majority of your time with — what kind of impact are they making on your life. Yes, there are people that are in our lives that we can’t control (co-workers, bosses, the man/woman at the checkout line who is just always the worst), but we can choose how we react towards them. And chances are if you’re constantly surrounded by positive people who treat others — especially strangers with respect you will probably do the same. And of course if you’re constantly surrounded by those who just complain about others, always seem to be the victim and treat strangers with disrespect, there’s a good chance you do the same. Unless you’re an amazing person who hasn’t implemented principle number 1 :)

You know how dust always seems to attract more dust in the corner? That’s how negative people are too, they just love to congregate and complain about how shitty life is. The only way to become a better person, is to surround yourself with people that want to become better people, too.

3. Say what you mean, mean what you say

In Ray Dalio’s “Principles” he expresses the need for radical transparency in the workplace in order to properly grow not only as an individual, but as an organization. The same is true for our personal relationships. Sometimes, the only way to get through to someone, is by being brutally honest and, simultaneously, accepting when someone is brutally honest with you. Look, we have all wished we had said something different during an argument and we have all played certain conversations in our heads with the things we had wished we said, I know i have. But here’s the reality; no amount of worrying and definitely no amount of thinking is going to alter the past — the only thing we do have control over is how we choose to interact when we find ourselves in similar scenarios. Do your best to say what you mean and mean what you say, you’ll be much happier that you didn’t sweep anything under the rug.

4. Not everyone gets wiser with age

Unfortunately, the amount of years we’ve graced this good earth does not reflect the lessons we’ve learned, nor does it reflect how to choose to internalize our experiences. There are those that make the same mistakes their entire lives and never truly learn from them. And, on the other side of the spectrum, there are those who at a young age, learn lessons that some take decades to digest. We tend to credit our ego when we succeed and blame everyone but ourselves when we fail. But wisdom, true wisdom — comes from understanding that ego distorts our reality and our perception of what’s right and wrong. Humility allows us to understand that we are everything and nothing all at once and that only through looking deep within, do we truly evolve. Our demons count on our silence to survive, don’t be afraid to bring them to the light.

5. Everyone in this world, is a human being

Every single person you interact with, is human. No kidding, right? I think we all tend to forget that every now and then. Everyone comes from a different backgrounds, different cultures, different family dynamics — the list is endless. We all experience different realities and no two realities are the same. Our self-awareness and perception of the world is what guides us to either evolve, or stay stagnant. But regardless of how far along on your journey you are remember this: Cherish the ones that make you laugh, cherish the ones that make you feel safe and cherish the ones that are willing to go through your times together. We attract what we are, and if you’re lucky enough to find someone (or a lot of people) that remain loyal to you during times of adversity — hold them close. For they are the blessings you seek and the answers you long for — just how you are the same, to them.

Love all, serve all.

Tomer Elmakias Greenfeld