On the Road Again

Yep. Another list. You’re welcome in advance. On a serious note, I don’t know what it was but you all really dug the last one of these. It was legitimately my most viewed Tommentary piece ever, beating out the ridiculous obituary I wrote for my Keurig. Thanks for that. There was a time when I wrote regularly and had a small but loyal following. I guess it was just kind of nice to know that I could still put something out there that entertained people. ANYWAY. On with the show.

  1. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Probably also some asphalt.
  2. I have this idea of doing one of these where I just list things that make perfect sense with absolutely no snark whatsoever. The existence of the list is the entire joke.
  3. Double Stuff Oreos are probably the biggest scam in all of snack food. You are paying like a dollar more for the same amount of creme but half of the cookies. Wake up, sheeple.
  4. My last Tommentary piece had like three or four water related jokes and I don’t know what that says about me as a person.
  5. Here’s another behind-the-scenes thing for you: I often start these and then work on them piece by piece over weeks or sometimes months. The existence of several similar items is not totally out of the ordinary as a result.
  6. Why do people always want to be on cloud nine? What is wrong with the first eight? What are you? Some kind of cloud Goldilocks, looking for a cloud that’s “just right”? Be thankful that you have figured out how be on any cloud and quit worrying about which number it is.
  7. Why do people not refrigerate the coffee creamers that come in those tiny plastic pods? Is it not made with the same cream as the stuff in cartons? If not, what the hell even is it? Do YOU trust dairy that doesn’t require refrigeration? Coffee is serious business. Quit screwing around.
  8. Vacations are weird because they are supposed to be a period of relaxation but they are often weeks of stress and planning in exchange for a few days at a pricey hotel and running around a strange city.
  9. Sometimes people send postcards to their friends and family while they’re on vacation and a lot of them say “Wish you were here!” But… do you though? Isn’t the point of the vacation to have a break from all of those people? Not that you don’t like/love them but you have gone to great expense to be somewhere they all aren’t for a few days. If you wanted everyone you knew to be around, you would have stayed home.
  10. A lot of issues face our society today but none of them produce such passionate and clear lines of division as whether or not candy corn is good.
  11. I don’t know if any of you have ever deleted a social media account, but when you do and then you hear about some kind of controversy surrounding that social media platform your first thought is “Ha! I knew it!” as if whatever happened there could never possibly happen on whatever platform you chose to stay on.
  12. Speaking of social media, people like to say that if you want to see the true nature of humanity you should see how people act online. I submit that a truer vision of human nature can be seen at the grocery store on any given day. Watch as people still wearing their pajamas completely ignore all basic tenets of human decency while they gleefully grab the last of an item they could tell you wanted, park in a spot you were waiting for, and turn their carts sideways across an aisle while they read every ingredient on every pasta sauce jar, completely oblivious and apathetic of anyone and anything going on around them. THAT is true humanity.
  13. People showing up in your social media mentions begging for you to look at their YouTube channel is basically a modern technology version of people stuffing flyers in your windshield wipers while you are in a store.
  14. I think part of every job interview in an office environment is having the candidate use the restroom and see if they leave a giant mess or spend the whole time on the phone. Restroom etiquette is the most overlooked office skill.
  15. Spam email has gotten very lazy as the years have gone on. There used to be some effort put into a spam email. There was a completely ridiculous backstory with terrible spelling and grammar, there were fake relatives you didn’t know about, there was danger and intrigue. Spammers cared about their craft and you, the spamee, got to have a starring role in a choose your own adventure email. Now it’s just “Viagara and Rolexes”, or “You appeared in eleventy billion LinkedIn searches this week!” and there is no story. There are no relatives. There is no danger. There is just a link you’ll never click with absolutely no context. Who hurt you, spammers? Where did the love go? Why have you stopped making art?
  16. A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were watching a Jerry Seinfeld special on Netflix and in it he talked about how rooting for a sports team really boils down to just rooting for one pile of laundry over another and I haven’t been able to get that out of my mind since because he is absolutely correct and I am shook about it, as the kids say.
  17. Everyone has that one person somewhere in their life that can not possibly fathom that you have not seen their favorite movie.
  18. When I was growing up, there was a period of time where there were two BP gas stations literally across the street from one another and I can’t help but think that that could have all been avoided with a simple phone call. Only one still stands today. There’s actually a really amazing Florida-style story about what happened to the other one. Perhaps for another day.
  19. I won’t post any spoilers here but Infinity War could have accurately be re-titled A Series of Extremely Preventable Occurrences.
  20. Did you ever have to sneeze but then were able to prevent it by pinching your nose? Where does the sneeze go? Does it see a blocked passage, change course, and eventually become a fart? I can’t imagine it just disappears. Does it wait for another opportunity when your hands are busy? I need answers please, science.
  21. Silent letters are jerks.
  22. Isn’t every meal technically a breakfast?
  23. I’d have an easier time believing that one man’s trash was another man’s treasure if trash cans looked like treasure chests. As it stands, I have a hard time imagining someone striking it rich off of Starbucks cups with a tiny bit of old latte in them, used paper plates, old Band-Aids, and a bunch of empty egg shells.
  24. Every holiday greeting has a basic theme of wishing someone a happy holiday. “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Halloween”, “Happy [insert every other holiday here]”, etc. What we need is just one holiday where you wish people a rotten time. “Awful St. Suckins Day, you filthy poop ninja!”, “Miserable 23rd of August, you giant bag of bratwurst burps!”, “Horrendous Doofus Day to you all, you collection of pickled toenails!”
  25. If you ever wanted to get rid of a tattoo, couldn’t you just have them tattoo your skin tone over it instead of dealing with the lasers?
  26. I bought a bag of shoestring french fries but was unable to use them to secure my shoes to my feet.
  27. I like to refer to my chiropractor as my crack dealer. (This one is actually true.)
  28. Chameleons must hate it when the leaves start changing colors.
  29. People who participate in racing events must be pretty pissed that they can’t refer to themselves as “racists” although I’d imagine some of them still can.
  30. I was originally going to end this at 29 just to screw with people who wanted a perfectly even 30 items. I’m not that mean though. Except that I am.
  31. I get why underwear is named as it is, but why doesn’t that make all of your other clothes overwear?

Ok, there ya go. I managed to crank out two of these in the same month. I spoil you. But don’t get used to it. (Really though, thanks for reading! Your response to the last one motivated me to put out another this quickly. Next one might veer from list format. Who knows?(Why is this all in parentheses? (I’m not sure. (Ok, see you all soon.)))).