Giving Each NBA Playoff Series a Cool Band Name
Sometimes a string of words just rolls off the tongue. Mustard Knuckles, Corduroy Crawlspace, Chicken Tuition — you get the idea. Whenever a catchy combo comes to mind, I write it in the “Band Names” note on my phone. Shockingly, no one in my life has started a band during the two week lifespan of this list. However, it can’t go to waste. My whole life has led up to this moment: assigning each remaining playoff series a cool band name.
Suns vs. Mavericks — Tax-Day Tinder Date
Tax-Day Tinder Date is pretty self-explanatory. You download some dating apps in early April, you match with someone you’ve seen at Trader Joe’s, and you agree to get lunch on April 15th. You try to have a good time, but you’re secretly thinking about your 1099 (and the fact that you didn’t save 15%). In terms of music, I think Tax-Day Tinder Date makes near-identical songs to 3OH!3, but they perform in baggy suits à la John Hodgeman in the “I’m a Mac I’m a PC” commercials.
Taxes aren’t glamorous, but someone’s got to do them. Enter Chris Paul: high assist-to-turnover rate, methodical pick-and-roll ball-handling, arguing with everyone, etc. He’s doing the dirty work that no one else wants to. Chris Paul gets excited to file his taxes every year. He might moonlight as a CPA. After all, he signed a $160M contract in Texas where there’s no state income tax. I see you, Chris.
Tinder is strange and exciting. Maybe you meet your soulmate, maybe you file a restraining order. Maybe you score 30, maybe you shoot 1-8 from outside. Maybe you do both. It’s high risk, high reward. Enter Devin Booker: breaking ankles, chucking up shots, looking cute. He’s the Tinder to Paul’s taxes, and it seems to be working for the Suns.
Luka, as we all know, is hardly human. He somehow embodies Tinder and taxes. He’s dishing the ball out, he’s getting practice-speed reps in the playoffs, and he’s making it look cool. He’s pulling his laptop out during the Tinder date to double check his Schedule D. The issue for the Mavs is that Luka is just one guy. If they could split his Tinder and taxes across two players like the Suns have, maybe he wouldn’t look like he’s going to pass out all the time.
Celtics vs. Bucks — Piccolob Ultra (15-piece Piccolo ensemble)
Piccolob Ultra, in case you’re not up to speed, is a play on Michelob Ultra: the official beer of the NBA. As far as enjoyability, Michelob Ultra is on the same level as a 15-piece piccolo ensemble. Pretty watered down, morphs into one vague note, needs a little pizzazz.
“It’s pretty bad, but I guess it’s still beer/music.”
When it comes to basketball, Piccolob Ultra solely applies to Jayson Tatum. Everything about him exudes piccolo. His elegant, borderline-dainty movement resembles a marionette. His footwork is like that of a ballet dancer, which allows him to create space wherever he wants. He’s an elite shot creator. However, just like a piccolo, his game has some holes (sorry about that one). Game 3 in Milwaukee was ugly; Tatum went 4-19 from the floor, scoring 10 points in 41 minutes. His playmaking has improved this year, but he has a habit of reverting to his sticky-handed 2018 playstyle. This results in a lot of tough midranges.
There’s not much to else say about Piccolob Ultra, I just think it’s funny. I will add that Milwaukee is famous for beer, and Boston is famous for boring white guys that ostensibly love Michelob Ultra.
Heat vs. Sixers — Compromised Skeleton
Compromised Skeleton is an homage to my frequently compromised skeleton. I’m a tall fella and sometimes my spine hurts. We’ve all been injured at one point or another, and unfortunately, many of the players in this series are currently out/DTD. Embiid has a broken face (skeleton), Herro has a wonky ankle (skeleton), Lowry has a strained hamstring (skeletal muscle), and so on. Collectively, the Heat and Sixers have 9 players on the injury report, the most of all remaining series. To be perfectly honest, this is my least watched matchup and I don’t really care about it. I wish Joel were healthy and I wish Harden still liked to play basketball.
I imagine Compromised Skeleton makes some very PG-13 metal music. 14 to 16-year-olds in landlocked states are BLASTING Compromised Skeleton at the skatepark after school. They don’t have skateboards, but they do have cigarettes. Their diet consists of school lunch, candy, and “mass-gainer” protein shakes. They HATE school but don’t really LIKE anything.
NOTE: As I’m editing this the Sixers just lost the series. Harden scored 11 on 9 shot attempts. He played 43 minutes. I’ll leave it at that.
Warriors vs. Grizzlies — Caffeinated and Clogged
Caffeinated and Clogged are two adjectives we’ve all experienced. You pray every day that these states don’t cooccur, but life is unpredictable. It’s hard to put my finger on what type of music Caffeinated and Clogged makes. Whatever the genre, I think it exemplifies frustration. Listeners feel incredibly on edge; borderline attacked by the confusion. Quick but clumsy. Energetic but uncomfortable.
As far as basketball, this series is fast-paced with a lot of drives. The lanes are clogged and the players are caffeinated. It doesn’t matter if he has the ball or not, Steph Curry is constantly doing wind sprints. Before his Game 3 injury, Ja Morant was looking similarly caffeinated. His horrifying drives to the basket were an engine for Memphis’ offense. He goes from stationary to flying downhill in a split second, resulting in a Jordan-esque layup or a kick out to some guy you haven’t heard of until this year.
This series deserves a wholistic approach. We have to consider not just the game, but the press conferences, the tweets, and the accusations. The drama in this series is Bachelor-level stuff, so I HAVE to do a quick recap. Feel free to skip if you’re in the loop.
In Game 2, Dillon Brooks makes contact with an mid-air Gary Payton III, resulting in Payton III breaking his elbow. Warriors coach Steve Kerr later says Brooks “broke the code”, insinuating that Brooks intentionally went after Payton III. In Game 3, while being double-teamed by Wiggins and Poole, Ja tweaks his knee. Upon reviewing the play, it’s apparent that Poole touched Morant’s knee while swiping for the ball. Whether or not this caused the injury was widely debated, but it inspired Ja to tweet out a video of the play with the caption “broke the code”. Ja later deleted this tweet. During a postgame press conference, Grizzlies coach Taylor Jenkins assigned blame to Poole, saying he “yanked” Morant’s knee. On Tuesday it came out that the injury is a bone bruise, likely not caused by Poole’s attempted steal. Okay cool — you’re up to speed.
Like being caffeinated and clogged, this series is just frustrating. Important players are injured, coaches are accusing players of intentional harm (which I truly believe never happens in the NBA), and Klay Thompson doesn’t look like 43-points-on-4-dribbles-Klay anymore (almost like he had surgery and sat out 15 months). On top of all that, these games are just confusing. The Warriors win by 30 on Saturday and the Grizzlies win by 39 on Wednesday. Pure chaos. I’m just ready for the Warriors to take Game 6 so we can watch America’s favorite pastime — Steph Curry torching Chris Paul in the playoffs.
