WANTED: “Miami Dolphins”
For impersonation of a professional football team.
After once again fooling the multi-billion dollar National Football League, an entire stadium of fans, and millions more watching from home into thinking they were a professional football team, a rogue band of vaguely athletic men are back on the run.
The ragtag outfit has traversed the country over the past two months claiming to be the AFC East’s Miami Dolphins. However, that façade is broken when they take the field, immediately proving themselves to be charlatans.
However, while any reasonable person should have been suspicious following the team’s first outing, a 59–10 beating by the Ravens of Baltimore, large numbers even now continue to buy into the grand deception.
Heading the group is a majestically bearded man in his mid-thirties by the name of Fitzpatrick. Rumored to be Harvard-educated, the vagabond seems adept at charming his way into leadership roles, as he has managed to do once again.
While possessing little in terms of technical skill, these “Dolphins” look the part, wearing uniforms and helmets stolen from the actual Miami Dolphins, who remain missing. Fitzpatrick’s gang is likely to be involved in their disappearance.
If you happen to come across these outlaws, avoid approaching them directly and immediately inform your local authorities. Their motives are unclear, and they remain highly dangerous anywhere but the gridiron.
After their most recent escape, eyewitnesses report seeing the team headed back to their base in Miami. One can only hope NFL teams will grow wise and avoid the area until the real Dolphins are returned.
Connor Groel is a writer who studies sport management at the University of Texas at Austin. He also serves as editor of the Top Level Sports publication on Medium, and the host of the Connor Groel Sports podcast. You can follow Connor on Medium, Facebook, and Twitter, and view his archives at toplevelsports.net.
