4 Things Parents Need to Chill Out About
Y’all. Just Calm the $%#^ Down.
It’s tough being a parent today. Thanks to social media, we live in a fishbowl and people are always watching. ALWAYS. WATCHING.
As a result, I think parents have become over-achieving maniacs hellbent on perfection — so I’ve compiled a list of 4 things parents need to chill out about. Effective immediately.
Food
When I first saw the article “The New Face of Motherhood: Young, Cool Moms Who Are Totally Killing It,” I was psyched… And then I actually read it and rolled my eyes so hard they fell out of my head and now I have no eyeballs. #ByeEyeballs
According to the list, the #2 way young, cool moms are “totally killing it” is that, “they only buy all-natural, organic, gluten-free, non-GMO baby food.”
BRB, chasing my eyeballs.
Obviously, eating whole food is preferable to eating processed food. That said, can we please stop acting like parents who only feed their kids meat from free-range chickens named Arlo deserve “Parent of the Year” awards, while the rest of us feeding our kids dinosaur-shaped nuggets that definitely came from GMO-infested, mainstream chickens fail at life? We get it — whole foods are best. GMOs are evil. Please just dial back the #organic #kombucha Instagram pics a bit. As a compromise, I’ll stop posting so many pictures of Cheetos and hot dogs. Deal?
P.S. Kombucha is disgusting. Don’t even pretend like it’s not.
I have never been crafty, and I will never be crafty. I’ve attempted a few Pinterest things, and almost all of them turned out horribly — including one incident that ended with me accidentally pouring bleach on my face.
Pinterest is one of the worst/best things to ever happen to 21st century parents. It’s great for ideas and inspiration, but it’s also a deep, dark pit of comparisons, guilt, and self-loathing. Pinterest parents craft and Pin with ease, while the rest of us are left huddled in a corner, nursing our bleach wounds and crying over failed birthday cakes. Let’s take the craftiness down a notch — nobody needs hand-cut valentines shaped like penguins. NOBODY.
Essential Oils & Nail Wraps
I’m sure men and dads sell these things, but I’ve found the majority of essential oil/nail wrap salespeople are women. Most of the ones I know are moms, many of whom I love and consider friends. So if you’re a friend who sells these things and are reading this, please know that I love you. But…
I don’t want any rose oil. Or spearmint oil. Or unicorn oil. I don’t care if it cured you of being short and now you are a beautiful Amazonian goddess. I. DON’T. WANT. IT.
And nail wraps… Yeah, they’re cute. But have you seen my nails? I chew on them. NOM NOM, nails. I have zero interest in the way my nails look and wrapping them in tiny margaritas isn’t going to change that. I respect that you are a businesswoman. Who run the world? GIRLS! If you can rock a oil/nail/whatever business, more power to you. But PLEASE take me off your Facebook event invitation list. Thank you for thinking of me, but if I need some narwhal oil, I’ll tell you. Promise.
Treating Kids Like Special Snowflakes
I’m all for building a child’s confidence. What I’m not for is turning them into insufferable narcissists who can’t handle failure and refuse to do something if it doesn’t result in being showered with praise.
Stop saying, “Good job!” to every little thing your kid does, especially if it’s something they should be doing anyway — like cleaning their room.
Stop automatically assuming it’s the teacher’s fault that your child got a bad grade — maybe your kid hasn’t been paying attention and now her grades are suffering.
Stop handing out trophies just for participating. (Says the woman who runs races and gets medals just for participating. Hey, I never said I was perfect.)
It’s okay to let kids fail. Coddling children and treating them like treasured, unique, little beings is just instilling that they’re uber-important people who deserve special treatment. And while they may be special snowflakes to us, to the world at large they’re just another kid who picks their nose (and sometimes their butt).
So parents, let’s just take a few moments and pop a few chill pills. I think we’ll all be better for it, don’t you?
And seriously, kombucha? It’s just the worst.
