5 Guns I’ve Dedicated To My Daughter’s Romantic Life
I don’t want anything “bad” to happen to Jessie’s boyfriends. And if they behave, nothing will.
My favorite wedding pastime, aside from open bars: searching for a hint of genuine joy in the demeanor of the bride’s father. Sure, it’s an emotional day filled with equal parts excitement and stress (and cost), but that wistful grimace on dad’s face is far more complicated than that.
“Who gives this woman to be married to this man?”
“Her mother. And I have 3 witnesses who can confirm I was threatened into this.”
Fathers who have little daughters are very conflicted.
Denial
…cannot last forever. I know this. I’m inching closer and closer to my own father-of-the-bride nightmare, and there’s this weird, testosterone-fueled part of my brain that can’t handle trusting another man (or boy) with my daughter’s love.
Letting go is inevitable, and let go I shall. But I won’t be unprepared. I know a guy who can “handle” situations if anything ever goes wrong. He’s me.
Here’s my arsenal of justice, just in case:
- For Her Middle School Crush: Magnum Enterprises Devastator Gatling Gun
I’m not completely insane — punishments should match their respective crimes. Jessie is nearing 7th grade and is already in a dizzy-tizzy about which guy will ask her to her first dance next year. I’ll be chaperoning, obviously, accompanied by this badass rubber band demon. The Devastator will set you back $999.99, but shipping is free. And I don’t put a price on the damage 80 rapid-fire rubber bands can inflict on a 7th grade boy’s impish face.
2. For Her High School Bad Boy Phase: DPMS AR-15
You’re right, I am a little crazy — but so are high school bad boys. How do I know? I was one. The thing about high school bad boys is that they always have a posse filled with high school bad boys, and I don’t trust any of them. That’s why the DPMS AR-15 boasts high capacity magazines up to 30 rounds, guaranteeing just punishment for Jessie’s boyfriend AND his friends. Whether I use it is up to them, but they’ll know I have it. Their shiny pocket protectors won’t help them much, either. You can get this nimble beast tricked out with the same modifications for around $1,600. Again, worth it.
3. For Her Serious College Boyfriend: Colt Single Action Army, or Colt Peacemaker
I won’t lie to you anymore — I am crazy. I might snap, or I might not. Who knows? I’ve seen the spy movies. I think I start with the knees? Regardless, it’s important for this loafer-clad frat boy to know about the cowboy-barbarian brooding in my soul. The appropriately named Colt Peacemaker carries six .45 caliber shells for excellent stopping power, and is available with a 7.5” barrel for accuracy. These are collectible, so one can expect to shell out an average of $2,500 for this kind of daughter protection.
4. For Her Fiancé: Single Shot Pirate Pistol — Jack Sparrow Style
Shut up. I know, it’s cute. Size doesn’t matter. This literal handheld-cannon is just as dangerous as it is symbolic. I picture myself sitting next to my wife on our couch while Jessie’s boyfriend nervously sips his wine in the adjacent recliner. Calmly, and with sustained eye contact, I slip this one-shot angel of righteousness out of my pocket and absentmindedly fidget with it while he asks us the big question. Getting the symbolism yet? This guy has one shot to get it right — or risk the dangers of one very heavy, hot ball of lead. Pricing is inconsistent at best on these collectible guns, so carry your AmEx when you hit the auction.
5. For Her Husband: GoG eXTCy Paintball Gun
Jessie’s husband will understand that while I trust him, his behavior is still under scrutiny. This final weapon may look menacing, but it’s not deadly — the pain benefit is what I find appealing. At $250 you may be wondering why I’m suddenly skimping. Answer: she’s his problem now. This disciplinary tool is still effective and affordable, and training paintballs are only $11 on Amazon for a box of 50, to boot. I bought the green ones because they match my pretty green eyes. And that’s my favorite.
Disclaimer #1: I have not taken a public stance on guns, but I have publicly condoned satire. I believe in your sense of humor’s ability to handle this.
Disclaimer #2: Neither I nor anyone else alive cares what your stance on guns is, or see how talking about that in relation to this post can do anything but make you look humorless.
