Celebrating Global Flatus Day
(admit it: you love the ribaldry of it all!)
fla·tus, mid 17th century: from Latin, literally ‘blowing’, from flare ‘to blow’.
As we are what we eat, our digestive by-product will be contingent on our diets. Based on the levels of fat, sugar, and processed food in most American diets, we are doomed and cursed with a plague of virulent forms of flatus that did not exist even 100 years ago. Rather than put the gases to practical use — such as a chemical warfare agent, we let them escape into — and compromise — the ozone layer.
That said, if American companies pay a carbon tax, serial-farters should also be subject to a similar tax. Transgressors are easily identifiable by virtue of the obliterated ozone layer that follows them everywhere.
In the sixteenth century, the term ‘breaking wind’ is thought to have evolved to serve as a euphemism for farting. However, that term was ill-conceived, as, technically, any noise ‘breaks’ wind by its nature. Thus, when many people speak, they too are breaking wind, only (mostly) sans stench.
It’s been known for centuries that the flatus of meat eating dinosaurs was far more sulfurous and pungent than that of the leaf-eaters — in other words, the leaf-eaters didn’t so much succumb to climate change — as thought — as they did from the stench of the meat-eating dinosaurs’ toxic flatus. A variation of this concept was embraced by Benjamin Franklin:
“He that dines on stale Flesh, especially with much Addition of Onions, shall be able to afford a Stink that no Company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some Time on Vegetables only, shall have that Breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate Noses (Benjamin Franklin)
Literary Perspectives
One of the first farting jokes dates back at least as far as 1900 BCE Mesopotamia, but as yet, no one gets it. Later, farting was a specific talent and comic device employed by fools and jesters in the courts of kings and aristocracy. In the 14th century, it was a feature in both Chaucer’s Miller’s and Friar’s Tales (see challenge, below)— though the former is more mainstreamed, and of course, all through Dante’s Divine Comedy:
“And whan this sike mana felte this frère
Aboute his tuwel grope there and here,
Amydde his hand he leet the frère a fart —
Ther nys no capul drawynge in a cart
That might have lete a fart of swich a soun— Chaucer, Friar’s Tale
Even to this day, there are fart impresarios who can render popular song music thereof, for example, the indominable Mr. Methane.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8vdMpdRp84&list=PLRJrzek9BZ7GcHOc_sjEMbvQC1QLoOONM
A nuanced discussion of flatulence includes anthropomorphological considerations that must not be overlooked. People I might mistake for pigs fart with mindless abandon, whereas hogs fart with boorish contempt and disgust: they weaponize it. For this reason, some demons in Dante’s Inferno have no other means of communicating. What if we all did that? What if people did that already? I mean metaphorically, which was Dante’s conceit?
“We outwardly voice contempt for the smell, but inwardly are obsessed with the idea of it
But then chimpanzees seem to believe flatus is a useful medium for communication with humans. Why would they think that? Because research results show it works to get humans’ attention. Perhaps Dante had witnessed this and thought they were on to something. But then how did chimps come up with that idea in the first place? Thus was Dante guilty of plagiarism
Nothing is so enamoring as the bouquet of one’s own brand. There is but one person in the world who loves your brand: and that’s you!
Quasi-Social Considerations
The art of flatulence is rife with sexist perceptions and double-standards. It’s okay for men to fart with impunity, whereas women farting in public is heavily tabooed. There are stereotypes: In masculine form, farts are always in caps, and women — small case. Men’s flatulence is bolder: “RABBLA-BLORTO-SPUNKA-BOOMBAH!!” — louder, and stinkier, whereas women’s flatulence is dainty and ephemeral — a gentle lady-like wisp — if you will —” pfft,” such as you might hear from a tiny satellite repositioning itself in space: the difference between a tractor pull and bee’s breadth. Is that because women are inferior farters, or simply that they are more self conscious about flatulence — they feel compelled to regulate control outputs, whereas men blast away with utter impunity.
Judging from the volume of feeble minded posts on this platform on the subject, it is no longer taboo to talk about it albeit in a juvenile fashion
-which is why I want to have a frank talk about it.
A case in point is that boys and men revel and celebrate in their flatus escapades. That’s healthy and a good characteristic of a bon vivant: Why should contemporary emancipated women not enjoy and partake in these revels? We used to high five and jump up and down and slap our thighs. We had hours of cassette recordings of our work product and celebrations, and planned to to bestow them to the Library of Congress. (They declined.)
“Farting is not just biological: at times, it’s behavioral and social in a pathological sort of way
These habits are not universal, and are typical of American squeamishness. In other countries people seem to be less morbidly preoccupied with the behavior. I have heard that in China and Taiwan that burping is taken as a compliment to the chef. Could not farting be interpreted the same away in a country far away?: of course it could, for example, the Yanomami tribe of northern Brazil and southern Venezuela, for whom farting is a form of greeting (no source). I am so ‘there!’
Let’s have a frank talk about flatus, not to be conflated with “let’s have a talk about Frank’s flatus, or “let’s talk about flatus, Frank”
The Bronx Cheer
The Bronx Cheer simply originally denoted “we are not impressed,’ to an opposing ball team, is generally taken as a sign of disrespect or flippant comment. But variations on it have more nuance, for example, the tenor and resonance of a derisive tractor pull or earthquake is more masculine targeted at a male rival, for example. Bronx Cheer in a woman’s direction are more attenuated and ephemeral, though they must never be taken as a compliment: ‘he thinketh perhaps she doth flatter herself excessively? “Boink!” (see ‘pathological,’ above.) It’s also invoked to convey one’s show of awe for another’s hubris.
As processed and engineered foods became the foundation of the great pyramid of the American diet: fat, sugar, and salt created fertile ground for a veritable panoply of new toxins, most of which do not appear to be human — “they don’t smell human, Mulder.”
“It’s clear that dogs can discern one another by their farts and find it to be the most accurate method of identification. There’s no reason to think this does not apply to humanoids
The Summoner’s Throwdown
In Chaucer’s Summoner’s Tale, written in middle-English, the Summoner posits a teaser to his fellow travelers, in the following conundrum: how could a fart be divided equally among twelve- friars? His solution lay in the following:
“585 How that this fart sholde evene deled be Among youre covent, if it lyked me.” “Tel,” quod the lord, “and thou shalt have anon A gowne-clooth, by God and by Seint John!” “My lord,” quod he, “whan that the weder is fair,
590 Withouten wynd or perturbynge of air, Lat brynge a cartwheel heere into this halle; But looke that it have his spokes alle, -Twelve spokes hath a cartwheel comunly. And bryng me thanne twelve freres. Woot ye why?
595 For thrittene is a covent, as I gesse. Youre confessour heere, for his worthynesse, Shal parfoune up the nombre of his covent, Thanne shal they knele doun, by oon assent, And to every spokes ende, in this manere,
600 Ful sadly leye his nose shal a frere.Youre noble confessour — there God hym save! -Shal holde his nose upright under the nave. Thanne shal this cherl, with bely stif and toght As any tabour, hyder been ybroght;
605 And sette hym on the wheel right of this cart. Upon the nave, and make hym lete a fart. And ye shul seen, up peril of my lyf, By preeve which that is demonstratif, That equally the soun of it wol wende,
610 And eke the stynk, unto the spokes ende.
Paraphrase: medieval carriage wheels featured twelve hollow wood spokes emanating from a central hub. As each of twelve friars sat before his respective spoke, the summoner directed his breakwind into the hub, which allowed equal volumes of output into the respective spokes.
