5 Lifehacks to Optimally Exploit Your Workers
Among CEOs it is common knowledge that the worker is a very valuable creature. It makes us our piles of money through being willingly and happily exploited, it makes us feel better about our crippling insecurities through its inferior clothing and hilarious accent, and, of course, our dictatorial power over it and the realization that we can crush it like a bug at any time is what gives life its meaning.
But what fewer CEOs understand is that workers are human beings. Yes, it’s true and not some urban myth. In fact, the DNA tests I mandated at my company showed very definitively that they are, in fact, living breathing people of the same species as you are I. And when I still wouldn’t accept that, the vivisection of my janitorial staff confirmed it.
This is an inconvenient fact. Because it means these people have lives and want things like rights, and children, and food. But fear not, fellow CEOs, because in this land of freedom we call the U.S.A. there are many ways to deny them these things. Discovered by our top scientists in exploitology, here are 5 of them:
Btw, if you’re a worker get your disgusting eyes off of this article. This isn’t for you! Who told you that you could read? You should be making us our money goddammit! Either that or sleeping, if you must.
1. In Sickness & In Health, Until Death Do You Part
We’re all familiar with the following situation: You’re at work. You’re slaving away day after day at your hot beach chair, putting in the effort to force down your seventh maragarita. All of this despite feeling homesick for your loft in New York from your faraway beach house in Monaco and then you get… “the call.”
One of your drones tells you “Ye-eah, bossman. I cant wurk today. I’m feeling sick.”
Naturally, your empathy for the suffering of a fellow human being will kick in. Stomp this down immediately. You must then realize that the worker is a lazy and diabolical creature which will make up any excuse to lose you your well-earned money. Instead of giving in, use one of these helpful motivational phrases:
“I know where your family lives.”
“Wouldn’t it be a pity if I replaced you with a vending machine?”
Or, my all time favourite: “Remember that 575 page contract you signed? On page 474 it says that when you stay home sick I’m legally allowed to nail your balls (or labia, always remember to be inclusive) to my Porsche.”
The worker may protest with pathetic excuses like “But I’m r’ally sick” or “I can bar’ly move me ‘ands” or sometimes “But puking up my spleen doesn’t seem particularly healthy.”
At this point, remind them that sickness is just weakness leaving the body. And, if it’s up to you, they’ll be very, very strong by the time they’re 66.
2. The Perils of Parenthood
Hiring someone under the age of 30 might seem like a great business investment. They’re at that perfect age where their shoulders are strong enough to bear the unending overtime but young enough that they don’t yet realize their worth, which is the scientifically ultimate ratio for maximum exploitation. But there is also a downside: They may choose to have unproductive non-workers. Also less commonly known as “children.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why’s that a problem? They can just stick the little brats with some soulless and abusive nanny to be forged into the next generation of emotionally-stunted psychopaths. That’s what my father did and dammit I turned out alright!”
But the sad truth is that many of them somehow see this as a bad thing. And furthermore, many of them don’t have the money to pay even for a single private nanny.
Now, before you go and do anything crazy like pay them more, there are much better ways to solve this little bundle of problems.
Fortunately the U.S. is the land of freedom and democracy. Mostly freedom and democracy for us. This means that there are no laws obliging us to offer parental leave so you can just force your worker to “get back to work!” while still holding her little tit-suckling demon in her arms. And if you are afflicted by the common human weakness of kindness, you can always send a cab to get her from the hospital the day after. For her convenience.
Now, you may be tempted to forcibly sterilize your workers through some underhanded scheme of spiking their water machine. Don’t. Social mobility being what it is in the U.S. one day their little tyke will probably be yet another cog slaving away in your mines until their hands are calloused and their legs are bent. So it’s not all doom and gloom.
3. The Secret to Productivity
Is your worker lazy and unproductive? Does he selfishly ask to eat and pee without considering your feelings in the matter? Well, good news! Did you know that the U.S. does not require companies to give their workers breaks?
This means you can tell them to fuck right off with that self-centered “eating” shit.
And if they complain, unlike those filthy, freedom-hating Eurotrash countries, the U.S. does not mandate that companies give fired employees compensatory pay, so fire to your heart’s content!
Where will they pee? Tell them that bottles are the new hot thing! And food? Don’t you want to be able to fit into that dress you can’t afford to go to that wedding you don’t have the free time to attend? Maybe consider eating a little bit less, fatso.
4. Living Life to Its Fullest
Alright, you have now seflessly motivated them out of their sickness, been so kind as to save them the trouble of having to put up with their brood and helped them with their weight loss regime. But as well all know, no good deed goes unpunished. Because on top of all of that, at the end of the month they’re going to ask for their wages.
Now, there is a very popular and effective strategy for dealing with this problem called “wage theft.” Don’t be afraid of the name though, it’s not like government theft (also known as taxation). It’s a good thing. It’s an advanced strategy by which you don’t pay your employees the money they’re owed, therefore resulting in you earning more money.
It has become increasingly popular in the last few years with over 4.6 million workers in 2019 receiving this service from their employers.
And if you’re tempted to feel momentarily bad about it while being massaged by beautiful women on your private yacht, remember that they’d most likely just waste that money on worthless extravagances like electricity or running water. And that, really, when you really, really think about it, you’re doing them a service by protecting them from their own spend-thrift ways. And from obesity! You can’t become obese, after all, if you’re starving.
You truly are a saint.
5. Do a Gig, Monkey
In recent years apps have enabled one of the greatest technological innovations in human history: The Gig Economy.
On the surface the gig economy allows workers to work flexible hours and make their own schedules, separate from their corporate masters. But don’t worry, this isn’t as bad as it sounds. Because it also comes with some fantastic perks.
You see, innovatively, by hiding behind an app, you too can now make your workers do just as much work as they’ve always done but without all of those pesky labour protections and unions spoiling the fun. Thanks Silicon Valley, you guys truly are the future.
And thanks to Freedomstan’s incredible dedication to capitalism, there’s no lousy government to get between us and our employees.
Aren’t you so happy to live in the freest company… I mean, country, in the world?
And that’s this week’s article. Up next week? An exploration of your social and moral responsibilities as an employer and how to best avoid them.
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