Inflation Stings Most If You’re In The Bottom 98% of the Population. Here’s How to Deal.
by Teresa Ghilardouchey
Remember when the U.S. privatized everything ever because we bought the politicians off to think we capitalists could do a better job with the economy than the pesky government or the workers? Woopsie, turns out we made a right pig’s breakfast of the whole thing. But good news, we’ll be fine. And you… well… you’ll get advice.
Now, normally I wouldn’t sully myself by deigning to give you dirty poors advice, but having your bodies stink up the streets as you all die of starvation would rather put a damper on my shopping trips into the city. So, for the second time as a sequel to my incredibly popular article in Bloomberg, I’ll share my elevated, eloquent, enlightened, astute, sagacious, affluent, experienced and shrewd advice with you and give you four more great ways to deal with rising inflation.
Dealing with Rising Food Costs
Research increasingly shows that food costs money. Now when my assistants first brought this information to my attention I had them severely whipped. But when the fourth and fifth assistant kept coming up with the same information over and over again I started thinking over the relaxing sound of their whippings that maybe food does cost money.
Knowing this I sat down with the world’s best financial advisors and hedge fund managers and after 3 weeks of hard work and putting our brains together we finally came up with a solution: Just stop eating.
Instead we recommend that you develop the ability to engage in photosynthesis. Plants can do it and they don’t even have brains. You’re smarter than a plant, right?
What? Raising the minimum wage or increasing taxes on the rich you say? Let’s not do anything radical.
Getting Rid of Bad Investments
You could also try selling your beach house. Now we all love our beach houses. And- Oh, you don’t have one? Well that’s sad.
Alright, then what about trying to let your pets and/or children die.
Pets and children are great. They run around and bark happily and smile at you but, let’s be real, they’re fucking dead weight. They cost thousands of dollars to feed and house and keep warm. And when you ask them to do your taxes for you or cook you your dinner, they’ll just stand there and babble at you that “I’m only three years old and can’t read, mommy.” And with those stupid child labour laws you can’t even send them out to get you your cash anymore.
Much better to downsize and fire your pets and children. Out of a canon and into the ocean.
The children are our future? No, they’re a bad investment. Try having some bitcoin instead.
Now, this may not sound like fun but you have to remember inflation is not fun for any of us. Sure, you can’t eat anymore and you have to walk 10 miles to the hospital with a broken leg but my caviar bills have shot up over the last year and I haven’t been able to buy a new Filipino child to throw cigarettes at sinc- What? I’m not allowed to write that? Illegal, huh? Oh.
Getting Rid of Surplus Wealth
You may also want to look into selling your blood or other body parts.
Blood, especially the blood of young children, is an increasingly popular method to bathe for your moral betters. It really softens the skin, gives colour to the cheeks and when you submerge all the way under it you can almost hear the screams of the little children who’s blood you’ve taken. Which means it’ll fetch a fine price.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: I don’t have any children, I already shot them out of that canon, how can I sell their blood? That’s what vans and ice cream are for.
And body parts? Well, you have two kidneys. Do you really need all that ostentatious excess? Come on, be prudent.
Another popular alternative is suicide. This particular method of savings has been exploding in popularity ever since 90s. It’s a real hip trend. All the cool kids are doing it. Don’t you wanna be cool too?
Altogether cyanide pills retail for a mere 50 dollars or so my kitchen staff tell me, even when I never asked them. On the other hand the average household spends nearly 6.602 dollars on food every year. That is a super savings of 6.552 dollars! Super savings? Super easy! And you know what they say: roses are temporary but cyanide is forever.
On top of that inflation will slowly push up the price of coffins over the next few years. So really the best time to kill yourself was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
Or you could hang yourself and then just have them throw you in a hole. That’s the beauty of capitalism, so many choices.
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Thank you to the lovely people at Pexels for these Creative Commons images. The images used can be found here: Two Puppies and Open Mobile Home Door. Thank you to Wikipedia Commons for the Hangman’s Noose.