As a woman, I talk about sex all the time. Anal sex, oral sex, shower sex, orgasms, masturbation, orgasms, orgasms, orgasms … no one bats an eye — but when a man talks about jerking off, it’s “gross.”
I don’t think that’s fair.
Why can’t men talk about masturbation the way women do? It’s common to hear women say that they will “finish themselves off” if a sexual encounter with a man leaves them unsatisfied, but can you imagine if a man said the same thing about sex with a female partner?
It would be construed as offensive and insulting. Is that fair? Methinks not.
Likewise, many women will joke about “starting without him,” meaning that they will self-stimulate to become aroused before having sex with a man. It’s supposed to be cute and funny — maybe even sexy — when a woman takes over her own pleasure during sex.
What if men acted the same way? Women would probably call him selfish — or worse.
“Forget it. I’ll just jerk off.” Do those words make you cringe? They shouldn’t. Turnabout is fair play.
Now, here’s the thing. Maybe I’m cut from different cloth, but I love it when a man admits that he masturbates. How can I expect a man to understand my penchant for self-love when he won’t admit to the same?
When I had my learner’s permit, I hired a driving instructor to teach me the rules of the road — on the road. Reading about how to drive a car did not suffice. Besides, eight lessons would earn me a discounted rate on my car insurance. How could I go wrong?
At the end of my eighth lesson, the driving instructor announced that he would teach me parallel parking during our next session.
“Next session?” I repeated. I was incredulous. “But I only need eight lessons.”
To this day, I can’t parallel park a car. I’ve tried, but I just can’t do it right. I need an entire city block just to ease my car snugly against the curb. Even then, I might rub my tires along the concrete or end up parked more than a foot from the gutter, and I’ve had my driver’s license for years.
For some reason, I bring the same prowess into the bedroom that I bring to parallel parking. When it comes to handling a penis, I’m just not adept.
Maybe it’s a lack of practice. Maybe I’m just uncoordinated. I never learned to swim, and I can’t ride a bicycle. Some people just aren’t cut out for certain tasks.
That’s why you’ll never hear me complain about a man who takes matters into his own hands. Do you masturbate? Fantastic. I’d be more than happy to hear about it. I can watch. I can cheer you on. I can even be of some assistance, with the proper motivation and detailed step-by-step instructions — but I will never call it gross.
Men should be able to talk about self-love just as often and just as freely as their female counterparts. That doesn’t mean there aren’t limits dictated by manners and good taste. It isn’t like anyone is extolling the virtues of masturbation in church, and I wouldn’t bring up the topic at the dinner table or the water cooler without first knowing my audience.
There is a time and a place for everything — including the topic of masturbation — but when the subject comes up, men deserve an equal chance to be heard.