First Attempt at Coming Out!
My first attempt at coming out and actually telling someone that I was a female wasn’t a good experience for me. Things didn’t go as planned and surprisingly hit me harder than expected. It took me several months to recover before I ended up gaining my beautiful wife of 14+ years.
So the story basically goes like this:
I was roughly 17 almost 18 years old at the time, and while unconventional my father didn’t really care that I had a girl living with me as I was over the age of 17 to him. So like I was with this girl for about 12 months almost to the date. We will call her “Lola” (Not her real name).
I thought at the time that I was in love with Lola for a good amount of time and we lived with my dad in a small double-wide trailer. Of course, we stayed in the bedroom most of the time, only coming out for meals and essentials. We liked spending time together and being to our selves. We did go to other places from time to time but it wasn’t like a whole lot because after all, we were only 17 years old.
Mmkay, so I knew at the time before we were “Boyfriend and Girlfriend” (Before Transition) That she was bi-sexual and liked both boys and girls. I honestly thought this was going to be, “to my benefit” when I felt comfortable coming out to her. So time continued on for around 10 months, and I was feeling good about the relationship. I even took the time to grow my hair out and was happy or at least I believed I was.
So I thought after these 10 months had passed that I explain to her about me being Trans and that I was actually a woman trapped in a boy's body. Her exact reaction was “That explains a lot”. I remember that very clearly until this day almost 2 decades later.
At first, things didn’t seem to change, everything was going great, we even passed my birthday and hers. It wasn’t until around the 2nd month after I had told her that things began to fall apart. I hadn’t even started the transition or making any really big changes yet other than my long hair. Heck, I still even had a beard. — “YUCK” — because that what guys were supposed to have and I was living with my dad who was basically anti-everything. I couldn’t have started while living at my fathers' house anyways.
Lola, who I thought was really with me for the first time didn’t show any signs that things were going south in our relationship.
THEN,
All of Sudden!!!
It hit me like a freight train, my girlfriend decided she wanted to go live with someone else in another state, — “a Girl.” — This girl was, of course, someone she had feelings for in the past. However, only 2 months after I came out to her she up and wants to leave out of the blue, saying that “It would be better this way for her.”
This broke my heart completely, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I really didn’t because like all relationships that you're involved your heart gets broken and my “Heart was BROKEN”.
Now, I was single again, broken from this trama, that I didn’t even know what to do with my life anymore. I was already suffering from depression because of not transition, but now I had my heart shattered too. Somehow, I managed to get through it, I survived it and I am thankful that I did.
I did take some drastic actions at that time, I felt unaccepted and now was scared that if I told anyone else that I would be an outcast, be ashamed of who I was inside. I was scared of the repercussions of what my family would say, what anyone would say. I decided to:
“CUT MY HAIR”
I literally took my hair down to basically a buzz cut, something I had for a long time growing up, something I hated, something that made me feel even more uncomfortable with who I was. At this time I had decided that I would do my very best to be a MAN, be what everyone else wanted me to be. I basically inverted my feelings and did everything I could to do what all the other guys did even though in the long haul of things, I never really succeeded, but it was enough to pass as a Guy.
I was so introverted about my feelings that I didn’t come out for many, many years later. I am now 34, and I came out when I was 32 which is when I started my transition with my wife. It took me 13 years to even consider coming out again (Oddly Scary Number), almost my entire time with my beautiful and loving and supportive Wifie Amanda. I had 2 children that I am happy to have and would never take back, but if I would have changed than things would have been a lot different.
I have to say to where ever you are (Lola) that I am so happy that you left me for someone else because if you didn’t I may have not become introverted about my transition and coming out. You also gave me the chance to have 2 beautiful girls that are so wonderful and smart. You also gave me a chance to meet and be with my wife of 14+ years who accepts me for me, and loves me for me, and has made me the most happiest Woman in the World.
With Lola out of the picture, gone from my life, my life had become so much better. Yes, I still suffered from hiding my feelings and being a Trans over the years, but it gave me a relationship that is so strong and powerful with my Wifie that she loves me even though I am a Trans Woman. She accepted me when I came out, and is now my strongest supporter.
Thank you Lola for leaving me: You gave me the best life ever with my family!
