Pretty or Ugly!!! Stages of Trans
Growing up, you look in the mirror and all you can see are the fears, the regrets, the shame, the scars, the misery of being something you are not, — “UGLY” — in your self-image.
This perception is a personal view of your life, the inner feelings of your appearance. The only person that sees you as ugly is yourself, and no matter how many people tell you that you are cute, pretty, or handsome; while you graciously accept every one of them you still can’t see what they are seeing no matter how much you try.
You go years feeling this about yourself. The pain just keeps building up and eventually you sink into a depression that you can’t climb out of no matter how much you try. Nothing seems to battle this downward spiral of feelings of seeing yourself as the “trashcan of the world.” It seems like there is just nothing you can do to fix this. Eventually, you get to the point of giving up and maybe even feel so bad that you want to take your own life, suicidal thoughts of how you look, and who you are inside vs how you see yourself every day.
This feeling is how some Trans person feels when they look in the mirror and see nothing but an ugly troll looking back at them.
They see this every day of their life, just like I did. I sank to a level of suicidal feelings before my chance of choosing between changing to female or taking my life at the age of 32. I suffered 32 years thinking that I was ugly, I looked like that Ugly Troll in the mirror to me, despite everyone else telling me otherwise.
— Now there were other reasons for changing but this was just one of those reasons. —
That first day of my life that I choose — life and transition over a suicide — was one of the greatest days in my life, next to my children being born. It wasn’t perfect, and while I still looked Ugly at the time it was my first stepping stone to looking pretty.
That first time I was able to put makeup on, I looked into the mirror, and OMG, while I totally thought I have a lot of work to do, I thought I looked better than before. I looked just a little better at who I was and that was a “GREAT FEELING”. I finally started feeling like I was becoming pretty. No, I didn’t think I was pretty yet, but I also didn’t see myself as completely and utterly ugly anymore.
It wasn’t until about 2 years later that I looked in the mirror and started seeing progress. I noticed that I wasn’t Ugly at all, not even close. I was starting to look cute, slightly better than before. I was actually seeing a change in my depression, I wasn’t suicidal anymore, and I felt CUTE. This was the time that I saw a change enough to feel better about who I was.
It honestly wasn’t until a few months ago that I actually felt that I was pretty, and while I still joke about it to others that I am ugly, I know it isn’t true anymore. Likely for attention or recognition of how far I came. I felt…
“PRETTY NOW”
So the things I have to say is that there are many ways to feel better and it takes time. But allowing yourself to transition at whatever time you need it is the best thing you could do if you are feeling this way. The stages that it took me from were from feeling completely UGLY, then ALRIGHT, to OKAY, then CUTE, and finally PRETTY.
It took a lot to get this far and I swear that it was the best choice I could have ever made. In my eyes, it took a lot to get here because of so much more, but as I look into the mirror, the girl I see looking back at me is a Pretty Girl.
Suicide Awearness
For those of you who may be suffering from depression or thinking of suicide please take the time and look at the reasons for your suicide, and call the suicide hotline if you really need to.
If it is related to being Trans please know that you can change at any time in your life, and if you can’t right now, it's okay, we all support you. There are thousands if not more out here that is a great community for you to get help and guidance.
