The Unexpected Divorce…Trans Folk MTF was never a choice.

Interestingly enough things took a turn for the worse for me several weeks ago when life made some strange happenings that I would have never have guessed would hit me. Now like what I am talking about is Life, Marriage, and things in general because I was unprepared for how this was all about to go down. I have been in my marriage for over 14 years and you wouldn't believe it but that didn’t make a difference when my divorce struck me like a hurricane, bulldozer and a tidal wave all crashed into one.

So like what happened? OMG girl I don’t even know where to begin… but I will start where it might seem best.

So like any other marriage, I thought it was going grand, things were happy and I was doing the right thing. Of course, 2 years into the marriage my wife was still trying to cope with the heartbreak of losing her husband, Me her now wife of 2 years plus. She told me over and over that everything was alright that she loved me and that the world was going to be okay. She told me that she was doing okay with my change and learning to deal with it. I honestly believed her and seriously thought things were going well.

Girl was I wrong, OMG!!!

So Aug 7th was my birthday, and I started to notice things were off, something had changed in our relationship. I got an “I love you and happy birthday”, but she didn’t try to make me a cake or anything. She has always made me a birthday cake or tried to plan something for me. This time nothing at all. I didn’t know what to say, so we did a little shopping that day and I noticed her looking into her phone a lot, so much that she was even falling behind while walking in the stores. Something was seriously up and I had to find out. So on the 11th, things were not getting any better so I straight out asked her who she was talking to, she denied anything, so I asked her if I could see her phone and look through her messages, gaining her permission. I did!

Honestly, I am glad I looked because there it was right there in my face she was cheating on me, she was talking with some guy. Well, that night ended horribly, she told me she needed a few days away and go be with her dad, well she had accidentally taken my phone with her when she left after me begging her to not go. I mean so many years of marriage and the kids were here and she was willing to toss it all because of my gender change because in her eyes I was no longer the man that she had married, which of course I can’t argue there because I am now all-female.

Mmkay, so like she took off with my phone a horrible shock for me because I was stuck in depression as a lost soul for me at the time. I struggled with depression all my life and this felt like putting the nail in the coffin type feeling. So after several hours of talking, her dad came and picked her up and she left, taking my phone while I was in a fetal position on the floor curdled up in a corner barely able to breathe, gasping for air as she walked out, gave her kids a hug and told all of us that she will be back this was only a temporary thing and she loved us all.

This was apparently the furthest thing from the truth!!!

That night she left, about an hour and a half later, I finally got enough air to take a breath of air and somewhat focus, reaching for my phone to text her and try to talk to her some more. It wasn’t there, so I called from the house to find it, SHE had it. I didn’t say a word, I just said “okay I will get it later.” I assume she thought as in later as in the next day or something. Nope!!! That night I drove up there and was at her dad's house only an hour after she could have arrived at her dad's house about an hour drive away.

To what I found was not surprising…

Yes, believe it or not, the guy she said she wasn’t going to see when she went to her dad's was in the house smoking some weed and other stuff with my wife, cuddled up on the couch on my arrival. I couldn’t say anything, because as a girl my masculine temper was gone, frustration was still there, but overwhelming sadness took a hold of me. I kept it together long enough to ask for my phone, which her dad told me I needed to leave the house and property. I said, “I am not here to fight like I just want my phone and I will leave.” Well, I got it, and I ended up leaving like crazy burning my tires and turning the first corner nearly flipping my SUV.

I drove home and cried the whole way back home. Barely able to stay on the road, but I made it back home. For nearly 2 days I didn’t eat a single thing, I couldn’t I just had no life left in me. I begged and begged for her to come back. Well, surprisingly enough after a lot of begging and hoping to restore my marriage it worked she came back but here was the cost.

My life as a female had to end, she needed my old self back. I dropped everything in my life to try and make that happen for her, thinking that my love for her could be greater than my gender identity. For a day and a half, I bought guy clothes and started doing guy things somewhat, and even avoided my medicine for 2 days. My hair became sloppy, and I started seeing the slight man appear before me as a horrible reminder of my near-suicide attempt years ago because of not being able to change.

The relationship appeared to be going well, likely better than it had been in 2 years, but at what cost. By the time day, two came and I was nearly through it I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t look in the mirror and live with myself as a man, something I tried so hard to erase. My female screaming at me from the inside as if I could lock her away and be done with it like I did when I was a kid.

THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE!!!

Once you finally are free to become the person you were meant to be, any other vision of yourself becomes a horrible memory of the past the thing you were always running from. That night I told her that I couldn’t do this, it was not me and I would end up killing a part of me to give her everything she wanted. I honestly couldn’t do it no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t just put my female back in a box, it was too much of me to do so. I wasn’t even the other guy anymore. — “For love, I tried, and I have determined that you must truly love yourself before you can love another.” — There as nothing I could do anymore Naomi was just a part of me and who I was now.

Well the next morning she packed up her stuff and I took her home under better circumstances than the first time, but honestly, I just don’t feel the same anymore. I got her to agree to marriage counseling and it failed within the first 10 mins. She basically said that there not a single thing I could ever do to make her love me ever again. She just didn’t love me anymore.

So like, with all that took place I have learned some important information.

First is my kids love me so much they choose to stay with me who they call their Mom, and not with their Mother who left.

Second, I learned that sometimes there nothing you can do to ever save a marriage if one person doesn’t want to save it.

Third, that gender identity is not a choice, it is not something that you can freely give up. Gender identity is who you are inside and out and hiding it or patching it up to put away is not possible. One way or another it will come back out again if you can ever do it in the first place.

Finally, I learned that I didn’t do anything wrong, and loving yourself and being happy for yourself is not a mistake not a problem it is a requirement to be happy in life.