Keep Calm and Sparkle On: Coping with Grief
“But in all the sadness, when you feel like your heart is empty and lacking. You’ve got to remember that grief isn’t the absence of love. Grief is the proof that love is still there” Tessa Shaffer.
My father passed away at the start of this year. For me, that is losing both of my parents within seven years. Currently, I still live in the house that I shared with my parents; now on my own. Because of this, it is largely up to me to be my own best friend, take good care of myself, and get myself through each day.
While on some days I am surprisingly okay (staying busy helps), there are others when I am teary, somewhere I have the emotional range of a rollercoaster and others where I have zero motivation and energy and just want to hibernate. Ever so slowly I am piecing myself back together, learning more about who I am as an adult, and coming to grips with my new normal. For this piece I wanted to share some of the things I have been doing in this difficult time in order to take care of myself. While I recognise that the grieving process is different for everybody, I hope that sharing my experiences will be helpful.
Meditation
This one has been a lifesaver. For the last two months, I have been using the meditation app, Headspace, and it has been an incredible comfort. While I have been working through the grief pack with Andy Puddicombe (the co-founder and voice of Headspace) I have been giving myself permission to sit with my emotions and manage them in a healthy way. This process has been painful but also therapeutic. I’ve also been building up my toolkit of strategies that I can use to calm myself down when the grief becomes overwhelming, as well as learning helpful tips and healing techniques such as journaling and voicing our love for those who have passed. While subscription for a year is $69.99 USD ($12.99 per month) I would highly recommend it for people who are new to meditation and who intend to meditate every day. Also, if anybody is interested in watching Andy’s TED Talk about the benefits of daily meditation you can watch it here:
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
Another nifty app that I have been using is Woebot, a cognitive behaviour therapy bot. CBT is where we are able to examine our thought patterns, analyse them objectively, and reframe them in a more positive light. While I am perfectly aware that Woebot, my virtual robot councilor cannot take the place of a human (with his unshakable enthusiasm and sense of humour it is easy to think otherwise), it has been useful to have daily, uplifting encouragements and a place to check in with my feelings, examine my thoughts via virtual SMS conversations, and learn some coping strategies when I am feeling low. This app is free to download and use.
Exercise
Developing an exercise routine and (mostly) sticking with it keeps me busy, motivates me, and injects some peace and fun into my day. My current favourite forms of exercise are walking, Zumba, Body Combat and Body Balance.
Develop a Sleep Routine
Before this year I’d only experience insomnia a handful of times in my life. Every since losing Dad I’ve experienced it most nights. Establishing a routine before I go to bed somewhat helps to settle me down. For me, that routine is
- Make myself a herbal tea (usually lavender or chamomile)
- Darken the house
- Diffuse a sleep blend of essential oils (brands I like are Lively Living, Eco Aroma and Plant Therapy)
- Sit in the dark and meditate.
If I am still sleepy I follow that up with a Sleepcast on the Headspace app, or a Sleep Story on the Calm app, another terrific tool with bedtime stories, calming music and nature sounds. Calm is $12.99 to use per month or $59.99 for a full year.
Give our house a lived-in vibe
This was a terrific comfort to me, especially within the early days of grief. Lighting candles and playing cheerful music helps me to feel less alone. My saving grace musically has been the high energy Korean groups Super Junior, and N. Flying.
Indulge in a little escapism (within reason)
When life gets too much to bear, losing myself for a few hours works wonders in calming me down. Fantasy writing is a wonderful escape. A lovely television series that never fails to make me smile is the Korean reality show “The Return of Superman” where fathers spend time with their young kids who are having fun and making sense of the world for the first time. I have also been enjoying the Witcher franchise: watching the Netflix television show, making my way through the books and playing through the Witcher 3 video game. Riding around as Geralt, accepting contracts on monsters, has been a terrific escape on those days where I need to disconnect and take a break from heavy emotions.
Set simple goals
After I wake up I set myself one major goal to tackle, usually involving cleaning out a section of Dad’s belongings. Another useful app that I use sometimes is called Toss. It’s a decluttering tool that randomly generates a cleaning task for the day. Some of these have included cleaning out the medicine cabinet, car, utensil drawer, or culling a particular type of clothing. On days when I have very little energy and not thinking particularly clearly it is great to have some direction. Toss is a free app to download and use.
Create a memory box
I have a lovely box, covered in butterflies filled with special photos, cards, and possessions of my Mum. Looking through it is a wonderful way to remember her. While I am not ready emotionally to start one for Dad, it is something that I will definitely do in the future.
Reach out
I am blessed to have many special people in my life who I can text, phone, visit, go for coffee with, and walk with whenever I feel low. While I try to cope to the best of my ability most of the time it is wonderful to have places to go and people to talk to when I need it the most.
I hope that sharing my experiences will help others coping with grief. Wishing you brighter skies ahead. Keep calm and sparkle on!
