my grey’s anatomy therapy

I don’t think I’ve been a little morbid. I think I have been very morbid. I’m certain that it is a part of my grieving process and I am pretty sure it is healthy [for me].

Grey’s Anatomy Dr. Shepherd

I don’t have a lot of experience with the death of loved ones. I have never had anyone close to me die. Everyone says there is a lesson in it and that I have to figure out what it is. But, I don’t want to do that..because it feels like I am reducing people to objects in my journey — like road signs during a car ride:

Yes, thank you, brown sign, for telling me that there is a park 40 miles away. Thank you, blue sign, for informing me about the fast food joints at the next exit. Oh yes, and thank you for telling me that I have entered Floriduh. Next…

I told my therapist, “If everyone in my life is a lesson, and everyone will die, why should I get close to anyone again?” She thinks that I am saying that I don’t want to feel again — that I am letting death win. Death can’t win, because I’m not playing a fucking game. Death is the thief that stole Love.

Today, I watched a documentary about that lady who drove wrong way on a New Jersey highway, killing herself and seven people. I probably shouldn’t have watched that as it had graphic photos of the scene of the accident, including her corpse (and those same photos are available online, yes, I saw them afterwards). I don’t think I should watch things about car accidents because, as I’ve said before, I have a wild imagination, and I picture things of which it would be best to not have mental images. And I am still angry about Love dying in a car accident that I can’t stop thinking was entirely preventable, especially since I could have had a hand in [preventing] it.

About 3 weeks ago, at the suggestion of a friend (and also when I began to feel a bit differently about things), I began watching Grey’s Anatomy from season 1. I had watched only 2 episodes of this show before then, including a recent one where there happened to be a white man involved in a car accident. (I just can’t stay away from car accidents.) My friend thought that I should watch it, if I was “strong enough,” in order to see the love story develop between Meredith and Dr. Shepherd. She said that maybe I could relate to it. But what piqued my interest the most, was the fact that she said that Dr. Sheppard dies much later in a car accident.

And so, I have been binge watching it, letting it consume my days and nights. I am entertained because it is medical and I was once “in the field” so it keeps my brain active. At times, I find none of the characters likeable, which starts to frustrate and bore me (I think I like Addison the most.). But I stay tuned because I am constantly having to process emergency situations, accident and...death. This show makes me revisit death on every episode. I hear the medical terminology. I feel the emotions of the personnel and the loved ones. Each situation is unique.

Although I’m [half] enjoying seeing the love story play out, I’m anxious to get to Dr. Sheppard’s death to see how Meredith processes it along with the other characters. I am trying to heal by watching something with people that aren’t real. It sounds silly, but I find this better than attending that religious grief group.