Last Words and Choosing Joy
By Monika Lynn
Can happiness be part of grief?
I am very new to this page, and I have lost three very close friends. I feel like at my “young” age of being in my 30's, to lose this many close friends one after the other is difficult.
The first was my first friend in a new city. He helped me recover and find some strength after being in a very abusive relationship. I moved to a new state to get away. He accepted me for the completely broken person I was and added so many smiles to my life. He found out he had a brain tumor and within hours was in the operating room. He did not make it through the surgery. His last text to me was “I’ll see you in a few hours when I wake up. I hope they don’t rewrite my memory! I never want to forget all our time together!”
The second was a couple of years ago. I knew her growing up and always was easy to laugh with her. She would visit me at work just to chat and get away from her home for a while. We lost touch for a few years but then as we were in different states began to write each other and reconnected. She was my rock for a while, and I want to think we were depending on each other for support and humor. Just as we were getting closer — sharing our life’s imperfections and planning a time to see each other to just laugh like we used to growing up, she passed away suddenly. Her last words to me were, “Hurry up and visit. It will be fun to hang out with you and laugh.”
The third was my best friend of 10 years. We met at work, had babies within 8 months of each other. Our husbands both worked evenings so every day we would do something together or something fun with the kids. Our kids are best friends, and her son calls me his second mom and my daughter called her “momma dos (2)” I knew she had a streak of weeks not feeling well and then she called me from work in tears to come get her she was in so much pain all over.
I drove her to the doctor, and we sat there in stunned silence when he came back into the room after they had done blood work and said she had leukemia. Unbelievable.
She was such a support for me in the passing of the other two friends. So now for the last 2 years, I’ve spent every day with her in the hospital and at home and chemo appointments and Drs appointments and everything in between. Cancer is so very ugly in person. In May, I lost my best friend. My other half. My daughter’s second mother and a huge piece of her life. I grieve for that. Her last words to me were “I’ll see you tomorrow, I love you.”
Weekly I am overwhelmed with loving her son like she would and keeping her alive to him. Daily I am reminded of how there is such a huge void as I pick up the phone still to call or text her without even thinking. Our kids will be best friends for a very long time to come, and through all of this, I realized that each of these close friends had something in common without even knowing each other. They knew pure joy.
Eric
He had a laugh that was so infectious to anyone around him.
Noel
She was the one person I could laugh with about the choices in life we made and the awkward positions we found ourselves in. Even if not funny, some days she found a way to add humor.
Katie
We loved to people-watch together. Especially at the hospital while she was being treated. The laughter we were able to create together even in her horrible situation is something I hold onto tight today.
I don’t know what the future holds and quite honestly, I’m terrified of letting myself get close again to anyone. But here I find myself telling all to Noel’s sister. Also a friend I’ve had for many years. We’ve connected more recently, and she led me to this group. I cannot say enough how thankful I am for her friendship. I love her like a sister, and she has been my inspiration in handling grief and living life at the same time.
There is no right or wrong way. But to find someone to process things with in life is priceless. This girl chooses joy. I love her laugh. I love her smile. And I love how patient she is, even when things are falling down around her. She still radiates joy, even on her bad days.
I guess this got long, but I guess what I’m trying to say is I see all the sad posts on here. Yes, losing someone is awful and at times completely unbearable but if I can encourage anybody here it would be by reminding you to choose joy. Even when it doesn’t feel right, even on your worst days. Your close ones that you have lost would not want you to spiral with grief into nothingness.
You have so much to give by honoring their memories. Talk about them randomly. Love hard. Love again. Don’t miss out on an opportunity to be close to someone again because loss scares you.
One thing I have learned from Noel’s sister is choosing joy does not mean that you are choosing to forget about your loved one. It simply means that in the middle of the grief, in the middle of the sorrow you are choosing happiness. For yourself, for your loved ones to see.
I believe happiness and joy are also part of the grieving process. And although forming another extremely close friendship scares me, I wouldn’t be living life if I didn’t. I would just be surviving it. I don’t want to just survive any of my friend’s passings, I want to honor their lives by living mine to the fullest.
Monika originally wrote this as a message to other members of the online grief support group she is a member of.
