Realizing I’m Really Going to Die Someday
On becoming “mortality-aware” after a loved one dies.
I was cleaning my room a couple of weeks ago, getting ready to sit down and write for my podcast. And I was standing there with my Swiffer duster in my hand, looking at all of the books on my bookshelf I had just finished dusting, I thought:
“Someday, I’m going to die, and somebody’s going to have to go through these. Just like we went through mom’s.”
This is a thought that genuinely went through my head at 10:30 in the morning while I was making hot water for tea and tidying up my apartment.
“Someday, I’m going to die, and my friends and family are going to have to go through my stuff… just like I had to go through mom’s.”
What’s weird about this statement is that it just came through as a fact. There was very little emotion attached to this thought. I wasn’t afraid for my life or overwhelmed by my stuff. I wasn’t even really sad for my friends and family.
The fact that I was going to die was just there as a fact. And I looked at it and paused for a second. And then went on dusting and making tea and sitting down to write.
Reflecting on it later though, I was really reminded that this thought of, “I’m going to die someday,” comes up a lot for me.
It comes up when I’m in an Uber and my driver brakes hard or goes past the speed limit in the Chicago snow or swerves to avoid another car: “I’m going to die someday.”
It comes up when something really petty is happening at work and I disconnect from it to save my time and energy because after all there are more important things in the world and, “I’m going to die someday.”
And it comes up when I’m least expecting it. Like it did that morning when I was dusting and thinking there’s going to be a day when I touch these books for the last time: “I’m going to die someday.”
I never used to think like this. Before my mom died, I had very few thoughts of myself realistically dying. I didn’t really wrap my head around it. Maybe it was because I was in my twenties and there’s that whole, “I’m invincible,” thing going on. Maybe it was because I had only seen death at a distance — with relatives I only saw once or twice a year… and they were dead by the time I saw them. I didn’t watch them die. Maybe it’s because I just didn’t understand. I didn’t have to.
But when someone you love dies — especially if you watch them die — it’s no longer, “Death is in the movies;” “Death happens when I’m really really old;” “Death is far away.” It’s “Holy shit. Death is HERE;” “Death is up close;” “Death is any time, anywhere, any body;” “Death is going to happen to me too.”
So if you’re thinking about death a lot more now that your loved one has died, you are not crazy and you are not alone! Anyone who has lost someone (including me) will tell you that a loved one’s death puts their own mortality into sharp perspective all of a sudden. (Especially if within a family or friend group, you are agewise the “next in line.”)
Death opens us up to this realm of reality —( notice I didn’t say possibility) — where all of us will experience the same outcomes as our loved ones. Not in the same way or at the same age or with the same afterlife experience, but death. Just death.
“I’m going to die someday.” It’s just there.
Here’s a list I compiled of some things that might go through your head after a loved one dies:
• talking more about death — what it will be like to die, how you will die, or how you’d like your death to go
• fear of your own death, especially if your loved one’s death was sudden, you have children or other dependents, or if the person who died was around the same age as you
• a new and maybe sudden appreciation of time, relationships, and day to day-to-day “mundane” activities
• desire to create a will, get rid of physical stuff, or deal with end-of life matters
• questioning or rejecting of faith or religious beliefs… or on the opposite end, a clinging to faith or religious beliefs as they relate to death and the concept of the afterlife
• pondering the purpose of or the meaning of life — if someone who meant so much to you is now gone, what will happen to you? This also ties in with desire to leave a legacy or to find a passion. Sometimes in this pondering, you might talk about switching jobs, spending more time with family and friends, or crossing an item or two off of your bucket list
Fear of death, thoughts of death, and a focus on your own death are totally normal happenings after a loss. Let them come up and visit you.
In wrestling with thoughts of my own mortality, I try to practice these as often as I can:
1) Have somebody in your life that you can talk about death with.
Whether it’s in-person or online, find a human space where you can tease out your thoughts on death. If you’re shut down with things like, “You’re so morbid,” “Death is a part of life — so don’t worry about it!,” or “God has a plan/There’s hope for you in the afterlife/Jesus Christ is my rock,” etc. you might want to find somebody else to talk to. It’s not that these people are afraid of you or of death — they’re just not in a place to hold space for you yet. Talking about death and “why we’re here” is a real heart conversation, so it’s valuable to find a person you can share that with.
2) Know yourself well enough to know the best way to approach end-of-life planning.
Also known as, “Don’t-rush-to-write-your-will-just-because-you’re-afraid-you’re-going-to-die-too.” Sometimes when the people we love die, those of us who are still living race home in a frenzy and start writing up wills for ourselves. Let your emotions rest before taking your will to a lawyer, especially if you’ve got family drama surrounding the loss. End-of-life planning is best done from a non-frantic space of level-headedness — not immediately after a loss happens when emotions are running high. So when I say, “know yourself well enough,” I mean, “know how much time and distance you need from your loss in order to approach end of life planning from a more focused place.” This will be different for everybody.
3) Most importantly, remember that you won’t and can’t figure it all out.
You can plan for death and even set up others’ lives for after you go, but your own death, like the death of the person you lost, gets out of human control at some point. It’s very much a “manage what you can and release the rest” experience, which is really easy for me to say here, but I’ve struggled with this a lot in my head. It’s incredibly frustrating to know that when I die, even when I have a will, things will happen that I cannot control. And as much as I want to step in and say, “No, this is how it SHOULD be,” I wont be able to. Because I’ll be dead. And some days that thought is funny to me and some days that thought is really irritating. And some days, just like that day I was dusting my room, it’ll just show up: “Wow. Someday I’m going to die and somebody’s going to have to go through all my stuff. Just like we did with mom’s. Hunh.”
I’m going to die someday. And so are you.
Just like grief, everyone experiences the concept of mortality differently. If you’d like to join the “I’m going to die someday” conversation, check out the Facebook LIVE I did on increased mortality-awareness after a loved one dies. You can also listen to my podcast episode on mortality-awareness here.
Shelby Forsythia is the host of the podcast Coming Back: Conversations on life after loss where she tells the truth about life after death, divorce, diagnosis, and more. www.shelbyforsythia.com.
