The Beautiful Hospice Nurse gets Sick

Hello to all my friends. Thank you for thinking about me. I have a terrible Illness called Bipolar Disorder that I have lived with since I can remember. In a paradoxical way, it has made me a Beautiful Hospice Nurse. Matter of fact, most bad things that have occurred in my life have made me a good person. With the help of family, friends and most of all God, I have survived. By his Grace, I was able to obtain my BSN in Nursing and practice for the last 20+ years as an RN in good standing with the Delaware and Texas Boards of Nursing.

As an RN, I have been told to give up Nursing by those who seem to fear mental illness. In DE, some call me the bipolar Nurse. Many Self proclaimed guardians of the sick, in my field, in there mission to protect the public from Nurses like me with mental illness have to date, been unsuccessful in holding me back from practicing this ancient art of caring. That’s because God has given me these wonderful gifts, of meeting people where they are at in life, empathy and compassion. I could never have had these experiences if my life were any different. I say, Nurses like me? Yes!

About 2 years ago, I came out as Transgender, Something I ran away from for most of my life. As if I needed to deal with this, right? people tell me it is not right or appropriate to disclose my true self. Well, this is who I am! I don’t want this Illness or gender dysphoria to be about me but about others who suffer the same and the lives we touch of those who love us.

I laid in the in my bed at the local psych hospital for my first 5 days out of a 15 day stay. I was feeling hopeless, crying and begging God to let me die. I didn’t eat and slept very little until they gave me Trazadone, a sleeping pill. Usually when I’m this low I quite often end up on one to one or closely watched, for fear that I may succeed in taking my own life. Once my medicine is adjusted I begin to equalize and my brain sort of walks a tight rope. Sometimes I hit that hyper-mania level and become very resistant to treatment. When this has occurred, there is nothing creative inside me. Just hell inside me.

So, just today I was discharged. I have no job right now but I’m sure I’ll find something to do. Some think that I should go on permanent disability but I suffer more when I can’t work. My heart and spirit want to practice nursing. I want to be with God’s Children, young and old and whoever may be suffering. I want to hold their hands and use the gifts that I have been given to lessen someone’s suffering. After all, we all suffer, don’t we?

I really don’t know if I can keep starting over as I get older. You see sometimes I get so low there is know where to turn except suicide or the hospital I am not suicidal right now. I am just afraid of losing my nursing career. If I do end up in the street from mental illness, I will think myself unworthy of the homeless and others who suffer more than myself. I only pray for strength to be of one with my unfortunate family.

I hope this helps others to not Stigmatize the mentally Ill. We don’t need someone to make life perfect for us, but just help to hold us up when we are unable to stand. Please don’t feel sorry for me. Feel happy for me that by God’s Grace I have had the privilege of seeing and being part of so many beautiful things. Hence, The Beautiful Hospice Nurse.