Dear Extreme Self-Criticism (ESC),
I’m sorry to say, but we can’t be serious anymore.
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, and I am sensitive to how deeply involved we have been in the past years. I hope I am able to explain my decision through the reflections I have been making over the semester.
The immediate feeling after telling my classmates about our relationship was a sense of responsibility to change the things I was not comfortable with. Letting them know about my struggles made me committed to acting in order to make my learning environment a better place to inhabit. And sometimes I honestly think you occupy way more space than you should. You leave me almost no room to breathe or to hang out with lady Compliment and her family.
That was around two months ago. As the semester went by, I often times forgot about the social contract I made. I was so used to spending time with you, ESC, that it was hard for me to act differently.
As I revisit my case clinic right now, an image that comes to my mind is of me glued in some sort of trap, not being able to move naturally; a feeling is of anxiety; and a gesture is my heavy head looking to the inside, chin touching my chest (I’m trying not to read too much into it, I’m just accepting them).
When I reflect further on the case clinic situation, it is as if I was suddenly naked in front of the class; however, instead of trying to cover myself, I begin showing some of my birthmarks, scars and wounds.
Some of those are parts of my being — therefore I need to equip myself to better deal with them; whereas others are still open to be treated, taken care, healed. Some hurt all the time, some hurt when touched, some are only visual marks. I am not sure which category applies to you, ESC, but you are definitely attached to me in a strong way. In that sense, I do acknowledge our coexistence, and I do think we can still be friends. My intention was never to do a surgery and remove you from me. I just don’t want you to expand and take over, as you have been doing over time. All I am asking for is for us to be able to meet and explore new people, feelings and territories.
I am also saying that because, in the meantime, I got to know Growth Mindset a little better. (Don’t worry, we are not having an affair — although I must admit I find GM very attractive!) He is someone who recognizes my potential and encourages me to make something of myself. He’s opened my eyes to the empathy capability I have, making me feel more self-aware in the performance gyms, as well as in my studio group, paying attention to the details and effects of the dynamics of people around me. He is making me attentive to formative and constructive feedback and is helping me to set some goals for the immediate future. One of these goals is to be able to take care of different body marks in a healthy way. That said, baby, please don’t go — I still need you.
I will never forget you, and all the opportunities you opened for me.
Love, Isa
