Dear Guilt,

I must break ties with you.

First of all, I want to say that it wasn’t easy for me to uncover you. You snuck in so subtly and your effects on me just got worse when I moved to New York three months ago. In my last article on Medium, I mentioned the thought of giving up had crossed my mind. It did. And it had been up until just a few weeks ago. Many interventions and reflections needed to happen for me to pin point what you were and what you were doing to my brain.

One of these interventions was my case clinic, which activated much more introspection. At that time, I was mentioning to my peers and teacher how my self-consciousness led to a lack of engagement on my part. I have always been someone who takes comments very personally, which I thought, at that moment, would explain the refrain I had to interact with people that seemed intimidating. I believe this behaviour emerged partly because of self-doubt but also because you made me feel like I wasn’t supposed to be where I was…I wasn’t supposed to enjoy myself and embrace new opportunities. I felt Guilt. I put a lot on my shoulders, feeling responsible for all the mess I left back home, not allowing myself to live the moment, to embrace this new experience and all I could learn from it.

With the feedback I got in my case clinic, I started practicing self-compassion and tried as much as possible to feel grateful for the little things I did achieve every day. I was one step closer to exposing you and bonding with you. This class has taught me to open up, not to shy away from vulnerability, to embrace discomfort and to accept feedback from others. All that I’ve learned so far led to an open discussion with my friend — that I would never have accepted three months ago — totally focused on my behavior. It unveiled my sadness, my wounds and especially uncovered you, Guilt. All of a sudden, I could breath again. The weight on my shoulders completely dropped and I could finally observe and understand the issues more clearly. This was a breakthrough for me.

When looking back at the images I was given during my case clinic, I remember Lisa telling me she saw me peaking across a door frame. Six weeks later, I am taking a first step across the door frame…and it feels wonderful! I am still dealing with you, Guilt. We’ve got some work to do. I am writing you this letter to make you understand that the less I have of you in my life, the happier I will be. This goes without saying that everyone around me will also have a better time, which is so important to me. I promise that I will hold on to certain things you don’t want me to let go of, I do hold them dear…but I don’t need to carry them around on my back all the time. They will be kept close by in a beautiful chest for me to open when I wish.