Supporting Survivors — It’s Not Rocket Science

7 ways you can make a difference to survivors of abuse

One of the things I’ve noticed over the years I’ve been working with survivors of trauma and abuse is that those who come alongside them, either as family, friends or as supporters, can easily start to feel overwhelmed and out of their depth. I think there are a couple of reasons for this.

First, there is the nature of abuse itself. It may be terrifyingly common, but it isn’t normal. As human beings we are wired not only to be loved and cared for, but also to love and to care for others — particularly those who are young or vulnerable in other ways. Abuse distorts and breaks that natural pattern, so when we are faced with the reality of abuse in the lives of survivors, something deep in our psyche reacts to the wrongness. We can sometimes unconsciously pull back or try to avoid the discomfort of engaging with it.

Second, the long term impact of abuse on survivors can look strange to those who don’t know what is going on. Abuse causes devastating psychological injuries, and like any injury that means survivors are often in deep emotional pain and distress. In order to protect themselves from that pain and distress those who have been abused as children develop all sorts of strategies to help them avoid or disconnect from it. That can work well while they are still children, but as adults it tends to show itself in all sorts of different ways. Some of that is simply because trauma wires the brain so that survivors deal with life differently to others. For example, they can come across as overly intense, or perhaps a little controlling as they try to find safety and security. They can get caught up in communication misunderstandings, because they don’t necessarily operate on the same filters and assumptions that non-survivors do. They can also develop different mental health issues, suc as anxiety, depression, panic attacks, eating issues, drug and alcohol use, PTSD, dissociation etc. These are all normal and understandable reactions to the very abnormal things that survivors suffered as children. But if we don’t realise that, they could just look like strange or even wrong behaviour.

Thirdly, those who want to support survivors of abuse, in whatever capacity, often think that they need have lots of experience or specialist knowledge and skills in order to be able to help. However, this is not the case. Supporting survivors really isn’t rocket science. There are some very simple things that everyone can do that will make a huge difference to those who are recovering from childhood abuse.

The truth is, however, that it is not as difficult as you may think to be a positive influence in the life of a survivor of abuse. Here are seven simple ways in which you can help.

1. Love them

Almost all survivors of abuse suffer from a deficit of love. Many were not adequately or appropriately loved and cared for as children, and most of them do not love or even feel good about themselves.

Therapists and counselors talk about having ‘unconditional positive regard’ towards clients, but what that really means is loving them, in non-intrusive and appropriate ways. We are a bit reticent to talk about love in our culture, and we certainly can’t force ourselves to love. However, we can allow ourselves to love survivors. The more we get to know them, the easier it is to value and hold dear who they are as people, including all the parts of them that feel broken or hurt. This selfless kind of love is a powerful force for healing.

2. Listen

Survivors were probably made to keep secret what was happening to them as children. Their voice was taken away so now they need to know they have a voice, and that they are heard.

Simply listening without interrupting, judging, advice giving or trying to fix, can be one of the most healing things you can do for a survivor. They may not be ready to talk about what happened to them to start with, or possibly ever. But your being willing simply to hear about their everyday life and struggles can be very empowering.

3. Reassure

One of the long-term legacies of abuse is that it can leave survivors anxious and fearful. They may be afraid that they are going to be hurt again. But they can also be anxious about more subtle things — that they’re being a nuisance, or that they are crazy, or that there is something wrong with the things they do, say or think.

Keep reassuring them that they are safe. Even if they are having a panic attack, keep reminding them that they are safe, that the people who hurt them are not here, that no one will harm them, and so on. You may also need to reassure them that what they feel is valid, that what they are experiencing is normal, even though it is uncomfortable, and that none of what has happened when they were children or now, makes them bad, wrong or crazy.

Let them know that things will get better, even if it takes a while, and that there is hope.

4. Safe touch

Sometimes, gentle, safe touch can be very reassuring and healing to survivors. When they were little, unsafe and inappropriate touch was often what was used to hurt them, in the form of physical or sexual abuse.

Part of the healing for survivors is learning that physical touch can be safe, appropriate and loving. Also that now they have a choice about it. Therefore, don’t just assume, but also don’t be afraid to ask whether it is ok to put a gentle hand on a shoulder, hold a hand or give a hug.

It may take a while for survivors to build up enough trust for that to feel OK, but when they are able to, they will benefit greatly from being loved and cared for in simple physical ways.

5. Be real

Survivors can smell inauthenticity and bullshit a mile off. It’s a part of what they had to learn to do in order to try to keep themselves safe. This means that those supporting survivors have to learn to be real and authentic.

This might feel a bit counter-cultural for many of us, since we live in a world that often sends us the message that we should hide our feelings, and not be too open. However, survivors will value honesty and a level of vulnerability in those who are supporting them. It will help them to feel safe, and to know where they stand. Abuse is such a hidden topic, and even when it is talked about, the responses in our culture often seem dulled and muted. For survivors to witness an authentic reaction can be incredibly healing.

Of course, sometimes being real about your feelings towards survivors and about what has happened to them, can be challenging for everyone. However, few things will do more to build the trust that is necessary to help survivors recover and heal.

6. Keep your boundaries

Supporting survivors can feel overwhelming at times. Often they have not yet learned to set and maintain appropriate boundaries. This is hardly surprising, given that the abuse they experienced as children involved their boundaries being violated in some appalling ways.

We cannot set boundaries for survivors, because no one can successfully set a boundary for another person. However, we can model setting good boundaries for ourselves. This is helpful to survivors, since it demonstrates what appropriate boundaries look and feel like. It is also essential for those supporting survivors, in order to help them not to be overwhelmed by the needs of those they are walking with.

It is ok to be clear and real about what you can and cannot do, the time you can and cannot give, in supporting survivors. As long as you are clear and kind in how you put those boundaries across they will be helpful both to you and to the ones you are supporting.

7. Hang in there

For survivors, the journey of recovery and healing can be a long one. The chances are they have lived with the legacy of the abuse they suffered for years or even decades. It is going to take more than a few weeks or months for them to heal some of the damage, and learn to walk free and whole.

It is a long road for those supporting survivors as well, and at times it can be a rough journey. Survivors are often in great pain and distress, and sometimes it is those who love and support them who bear the brunt of their frustrations and fears. It takes commitment to walk alongside survivors, and supporters themselves need support along the way. So don’t be afraid to ask others for what you need in order to help you to help the ones you are supporting. Just by being there, and not backing away from them, you are already helping them far more than you know.

About the Author

Giles Lascelle is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, a psychodramatist, author, speaker and survivor. He has worked for over 30 years with other survivors of trauma and childhood abuse. He has run therapy groups and provided training within the NHS, Social Services, and a range of voluntary organisations working in the fields of mental health and addiction. He is the founder of Breakthrough — a charity that works with adult survivors of childhood abuse and their supporters. His book: ‘Breakthrough: The Art of Surviving’ is being published by Instant Apostle in October 2019.

You can find out more about Giles’s work with Breakthrough at: traumabreakthrough.org or at: facebook.com/traumabreakthrough