The Responsibility Trap

survivors are not responsible for their abuser’s well-being

Recently I read an article, in which the author spoke of his own journey of recovery from the effects of childhood abuse. His view was that it was helpful and appropriate for survivors of abuse to reach a point where they could empathise with their abuser’s weaknesses and brokenness, and thereby release and forgive them. This was placed in a spiritual context in which all of life is seen as ‘one’ and ‘perfect’ — the argument being that God, life or the universe only sends us those experiences that are necessary for our own personal and spiritual growth.

I wrote a fairly lengthy response, and engaged in some healthy dialogue with the author. This article includes much of my response, but edited so that it can stand alone without necessarily drawing attention to the original article

I struggle with articles such as this one. It was undoubtedly well-meaning, and was clearly close to the author’s heart, describing as it did a significant part of his own healing journey.

Personal experiences make bad generalisations

It is perfectly valid to argue from our own personal experience — we all do it, including me. It is also absolutely acceptable to place our experience in the context of our own spiritual or religious beliefs. However, when we make the assumption that our own experience has general validity, especially when we align them with the moral weight associated with spiritual or religious faith; we run the risk of imposing an agenda onto others that may not fit their own experience. This is particularly dangerous when those ‘others’ are survivors of childhood abuse.

As a psychotherapist, and someone who has worked for nearly thirty years with survivors of trauma and childhood abuse, I would have to say that extrapolating from the spiritual convictions outlined in the original article — which are by no means uncommon, can bring us to a very unhelpful place for the vast majority of survivors. This is because it implicitly buys into a narrative that makes survivors of abuse responsible in some way for the well-being and healing of those who have abused them.

The deceptive narratives of abuse

In my clinical practice I see the same pattern re-enacted over and over again. Those who are powerful, relatively speaking, abuse, exploit and maltreat those who are powerless. The powerless — those who have been abused and victimised, in turn take on far too much in the way of responsibility for the appalling things that were done to them. This is not an accident. it is an intrinsic part of how abusers gain and maintain power over their victims.

I have worked professionally with survivors of abuse who were told at pre-school age that they needed to participate in some appalling sexual act in order to ‘help’ their abuser. I have worked with others who were told that they were being beaten and tortured for their own good, because they were wicked, stupid or worthless. I have worked with survivors whose abusers spun their sick fantasy that their victims both ‘tempted them’ and ‘enjoyed’ what was done to them. I could go on — the variations on these themes seem to be endless.

It is because of these toxic narratives, which deliberately exploit the natural trust young children have for adults, and especially care-givers that so many survivors come to believe that what happened was their fault rather than that of the people who abused them. A large part of the healing and recovery for survivors comes as they gradually realise that the responsibility for what happened does not rest with them after all. They learn to hand that responsibility back — not only for what happened, but any ongoing responsibility they may feel for their abuser’s well-being.

I don’t deny that those who abuse others are broken people, or that they need healing themselves. However, to imply that their victims, as well as managing their own journey of healing and recovery, should in any way empathise with their abusers or take responsibility for their abuser’s healing journey, is deeply unhelpful and frankly, outrageous. In fact I would go so far as to say it provides an excellent example of how the collective unconscious of society tends to collude with the deceptive narratives so often woven by the perpetrators of abuse.

Challenging spiritual collusion with abusers

It is essential for us we resist any narrative, which implies that the horrors of child abuse must be discounted, ignored or explained away, because of some supposed intrinsic harmony or perfection in the nature of reality, God’s will, or whatever other term people want to use.

Such views deal with an absolute or eternal perspective, which may or may not be valid. However, we have to live our lives in this relative world, in which pain and suffering are a daily reality for those who are exploited, abused and victimised. Whatever our religious or spiritual beliefs, we cannot and must not allow them to be hijacked, so as to provide a ‘get out of jail free’ card for those who perpetrate abuse upon the vulnerable and powerless. Their actions are not part of some great cosmic harmony; rather they represent a very real and concrete evil that devastates the lives of countless millions of people.

In particular, I believe we need to challenge the assumption, so frequently encountered in spiritual circles, that forgiveness of the abuser is a pre-requisite for the survivor to heal.

I do a part of my work in the church world, and lead a Christian charity that equips churches to support survivors of abuse. One of the constant battles I have is with the lovely well-meaning religious people, whose response to survivors of abuse is to tell them they ‘have to forgive’ their abusers if they want to have any hope of healing. Again, I wouldn’t want to deny that forgiveness can at some point be a part of a survivor’s healing journey. However, it cannot be mandated, and it is certainly not the place to start. In my experience, if a survivor chooses at some point in their healing journey, to forgive and release their abusers, it will most likely be towards the end, when when they have fully worked through everything that has happened to them, and the abuser no longer has any power, hold or influence over them.

Spirituality can still be important in recovery

For the sake of balance I want to make it clear that my personal belief is that spirituality is often an important component in healing and recovery from the effects of child abuse.

Spiritual faith, religious belief, or whatever you want to call it, can provide a great force for integration in the lives of survivors. As Alcoholics Anonymous discovered well over fifty years ago, some connection with a force for goodness and wholeness — a ‘higher power’ however we might view that, may even be essential in order for a full recovery.

I do also believe that there comes a point when, if we are able, it is good for us to take our hands (metaphorically speaking) from around the throats of our abusers, not so much in order to release them, as to release ourselves. At the same time I also recognise that for some people, this may be a step too far, and the ongoing pain of their wounds too great. I believe we have to respect their boundary in not coming to a place of empathy and forgiveness, until and unless they are completely at peace to do so.