The Upside Down World of Therapy

10 new rules for survivors recovering from childhood abuse

When growing up, all survivors of childhood abuse have to live by a rigid set of rules. The rules are set up by the perpetrators — the people who hurt and abuse children. They are there to make sure their victims don’t step out of line. The penalty for breaking these rules is always severe.

Even once we grew up, we still found ourselves living by a version of these abuser’s rules. The rules continued to provide a filter for how we were supposed to feel, think and behave — about ourselves, about our abusers and about the world. The abuser’s rules continue to keep us powerless and victimised, as long as we choose to live by them.

Sometimes the abuser’s rules are like a very extreme version of the rules the rest of the world lives by. For this reason it is hard for us as survivors of abuse to rely on the world’s rules to show us how to live free of the abuser’s rules. We need a totally new set of rules to live by. Ones that cut through not only the abuser’s rules, but sometimes the less than healthy rules the rest of the world lives by.

Therapy is like a strange upside down world, in which all the rules about how to live and be are totally different — both from the abuser’s rules, and to a certain extent from the rules of the world. The rules of the therapy world are the rules of recovery. They form a framework for our journey of wholeness and freedom from the things that were done to us, and the core of a new way of living positively in the world as survivors of abuse.

Here are the 10 upside down, new ‘rules’ by which survivors can learn to live wholeness and freedom

1. What happened was not our fault

They told us it was our fault. The abusers gave us lots of reasons why we were to blame for what they did to us. They did this so that they could feel better about themselves and the horrible things they did to us. Sometimes we still think it might have been our fault, that they did these things because we were bad or lacking in some way — but that is a lie, designed to make us feel even more powerless and worthless, and to make them feel more powerful and better about themselves.

In therapy we learn that abuse is never the fault of the victim. It is always the fault of the abuser. There is no excuse for what they did to us. No one, however ‘bad’ deserves to be sexually, physically or emotionally abused, so there is no way we could possibly have been naughty or bad enough to deserve to be hurt in the ways they hurt us. They had everything to gain from the lies they told. Our therapist has nothing to gain from believing were not to blame. In the light of that, maybe we can start to believe that our therapist is telling us the truth. We can choose to reject the lies the abusers told us.

2. Expressing strong, painful emotions is good.

When we were growing up, it was dangerous for us to express strong, painful emotions. Crying, getting angry, showing distress or fear generally got us into more trouble. We were ridiculed, punished or abused. We learned that it was safer to disconnect from our emotions — to stuff them down, hold them in, or detach ourselves from them altogether. We are still doing this today, even when our abusers are no longer present to enforce this rule. Sometimes we believe our emotions are so dangerous they will even hurt other people if we let ourselves show them.

In therapy we are encouraged to express strong emotions in a way that was never possible before. When we connect with them, we may feel scared and overwhelmed, but those feelings eventually pass. When we express them, our therapist doesn’t punish us, or belittle us. Our therapist can cope with our painful feelings no matter how strong they are. Our feelings cannot hurt our therapist, or anyone else.

3. Remembering and telling the secrets is the key to recovery

The things that were done to us when we were children were supposed to be kept secret. Our abusers told us we wouldn’t be believed. They told us people would laugh at us or hate us. They threatened all sorts of dreadful things would happen if we told anyone or if anyone guessed. Even now it really hard to remember, let alone talk to anyone, about what happened to us. We are scared we won’t be believed, that it will make people run away from us, and we are still afraid that we will be punished or hurt worse if we do tell. It is as if the abusers continue to have power over us because we are still keeping their secrets.

In therapy we are encouraged to remember and to speak out the secrets about the abuse we experienced. Remembering the abuse brings it into consciousness where we can process it. Breaking the silence breaks the power of the abuse. It is no longer a horrible toxic secret inside us that we have to carry on our own. Sharing is a bit like vomiting — it’s an unpleasant process but it gets the poison out of us. Our therapist is a safe person who is able to hold the things we remember, and hold us while we do the remembering. They believe us, they won’t abandon me or laugh at us. They will never use what we tell them to take advantage of us. They will never tell anyone the things we share with them without permission.

4. We have the resources to survive and recover.

We don’t always feel strong, but we are strong. We must have been strong as children not to die or be driven totally crazy by the appalling things the abusers did to us. We must have had some inner resources to survive then. In the same way we have inner resources now. The abusers wanted us to feel weak and powerless, but we have people around us now who are happy for us to feel strong and powerful. With the help of our therapist and other friends, We can start to discover just how strong and powerful we are. Our strength and power are not like those of the abusers. They were weak people who had to bully and abuse children to feel powerful. Our strength comes from within and from the people who love and care about us. It has no need to dominate others, to pull them down or to hurt them. We are strong and powerful enough to move beyond being a victim. We are strong enough to survive, recover and live a life that is empowered and free.

5. It is OK to ask questions and check things out.

When we were growing up it was not OK to ask questions of the abusers. If we did they would punish or take advantage of us. We learned to see them as powerful and ourselves as powerless.

Now asking questions is a way to stay safe. If we don’t understand what our therapist is asking of us, we can ask. Sometimes we get worried that our therapist might be cross or angry with us — we can check it out. Our experience growing up and since was that people were not safe, so if we start to worry that our therapist may not be as safe as we need them to be, we can ask, knowing they will not get upset, punish or hurt us in any way. Our therapist is not perfect — they make mistakes sometimes. Maybe they say or do something without intending to that triggers us — it is safe to tell them, and know that they will acknowledge it and apologise.

6. Our responses are totally normal and will not destroy us.

Sometimes we get triggered and respond very strongly to things that don’t seem to bother other people. This is a totally normal response to the very abnormal things that happened to us. It doesn’t mean that we are mad, stupid, defective or weird. We don’t need to be ashamed of our responses. They are there because our minds protected us at the time from experiencing the full awfulness of what happened.

Now, when we are triggered, we can feel overwhelmed and flooded with feelings, memories and physical sensations. It is as if parts of us are experiencing now the things that were happening when we were being abused. The memories can be incredibly vivid. The feelings can be very strong. The physical sensations — sounds, smells, bodily sensations can feel exactly the same. It can feel as if we are about to be drowned or destroyed in some way, but this is not the case. Just as we survived the original experience, we will survive being triggered.

Our therapist should provide a range of tools we can use to help ground ourselves. They help us to feel less overwhelmed and more in touch with present day reality. Over time, they will gradually help us to gain strength so we can face the memories and experiences and find ways to process and heal from them.

7. We don’t have to censor ourselves.

Being abused meant we could never fully be ourselves. Everything had to be filtered through the need to keep our abusers happy, to try to stop them hurting us even more.

In therapy we don’t need to censor ourselves. There is no thought or feeling we are not allowed to express. There is nothing that is too shocking, horrible or shameful for our therapist to hear. We can be free to be fully ourselves, because our therapist will always hold a safe space for us. They won’t allow us to do things in a session that physically hurt us, or them, or damage the therapy environment. But other than that, there are no limits on how we can express ourselves. Whatever we say or do, and however we are, they will continue to show us unconditional acceptance, care and love.

8. We can make choices.

Our abusers gave us no choices. They were powerful, we were powerless, and we had no option but to do the things they wanted us to. If we tried to make different choices, we were punished and hurt even more. As we grew up, this made us believe we couldn’t make choices that were healthy for us. Sometimes we still feel driven to make choices that punish and hurt us in some of the ways they punished and hurt us.

In therapy we have choices. We will never be forced to do anything against our will. Sometimes our therapist may have a strong recommendation about a good course of action for us. We can choose to do it even though it feels difficult and scary, or we can decide that we are not ready to do that yet. In the end it is still our choice, and we will not be punished or hurt for doing something different. There are boundaries and ground-rules that our therapist has agreed with us, to help us stay safe and to get the most out of therapy. However, these are not forced on us, but are drawn up between us, and we can ask for them to be reviewed.

9. It is OK to make mistakes.

We used to be punished for making mistakes or for getting something wrong. Sometimes we might be physically and verbally abused as a punishment. Sometimes we might be deprived of food, sleep or basic care as a punishment. We lived in fear of being punished and abandoned for getting things wrong.

In therapy, we don’t have to get everything right. It is OK to find things difficult, to make mistakes or to be unable to do something. Therapy is a new way of being for us and it can be hard. It takes time, and sometimes we have to go slowly, learning as we go from mistakes and from the things we find too hard. We will never be punished for this. Our therapist will never get cross with us, and will never reject or abandon us just because we are finding things hard.

10. We are worthy of care and love.

We grew up believing we were not worthy of care or love. We came to believe that all we were worthy of was abuse and humiliation. After all, if we were worthy of care and love, why did no one love and care for us? They abused and humiliated us, so perhaps that was all we were worth.

We probably arrived in therapy with the same beliefs in place, but in therapy we keep being given a different message. There are times when that is hard to understand, and even harder to trust. We keep waiting for the care and love our therapist shows towards us to turn into abuse and humiliation. However, no matter what we say or do, the message remains the same. We are told and shown consistently in many ways that we are accepted, cared for and loved. Sometimes, very gradually we are coming to dare to believe that it might be true, and that we might just possibly be someone who is worthy of care and love. When we come to believe it fully, we will no longer be victims, or even just survivors. We will be those who are living free and empowered lives despite the abuse.

Putting the new rules for living into practice …

As survivors of abuse our self-talk — the scripts that run in our head are all given by our abusers. We may even hear them in our abusers voices. We need to create a new set of scripts, for empowerment and wholeness. This doesn’t happen overnight, but over time we can begin to write new scripts for ourselves.

The list below, frames the therapy ‘rules’ in first person ‘I’ language. Try printing them out and keeping them with you, and/or putting them where you can see them. Try declaring them as affirmations every day, and especially when something in you, or the internal voice of your abusers is trying to tell you something different.

In time these ‘rules’ will become a new and healthier set of beliefs, part of a new framework within which you can live whole free.

1. What happened was not my fault
2. Expressing strong, painful emotions is good.
3. Remembering and telling the secrets is the key to my recovery
4. I have the resources to survive and recover
5. It is OK to ask questions and check things out
6. My responses are totally normal and will not destroy me
7. I do not have to censor myself
8. I can make choices for myself because I am strong and powerful
9. It is OK to make mistakes — I won’t be hurt or humiliated
10. I am worthy of care and love

About the Author

Giles Lascelle is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, a psychodramatist and a survivor. He has worked for over 30 years with other survivors of trauma and childhood abuse. He has run therapy groups and provided training within the NHS, Social Services, and a range of voluntary organisations working in the fields of mental health and addiction. He is the founder of Breakthrough — a charity that equips people in churches and other organisations to offer more effective support to survivors of trauma and abuse, and which also works directly with survivors from all faiths or none. He lives in the city of Bath in the UK with his beautiful wife Ally and an insanely overindulged cat.

You can find out more about Giles’s work with Breakthrough by visiting the web-site at: www.breakthroughministry.org.uk or by connecting via Breakthrough’s Facebook page: www.facebook.com/breakthrough4trauma/