Sex Talk For Teens — Series (1 of 3)
by C. Imani Williams

This is the first installment of a three part series on Sex Talks For Teens. With the fallout over Teen Vogue’s article on anal sex, it’s clear that there needs to be some direct conversation around understanding the varied ways teens experiment with sex, risk factors for STD’s and STI’s, and just how to decode the ever changing language found across the sexual and gender spectrum.
Maneuvering While Queer
Parents should know that queer teens need a support system to deal with bullying, acute violence, and self-esteem issues. Even if it isn’t happening in your home, queer teens catch it at school, teen hangouts, spiritual communities, and in the media. Check the comments on social media on any given post dealing with anything remotely gay and you will be dismayed.
In many families, homophobia runs rampant from off-color jokes to hate speech. When the home isn’t a safe space, teens will look outside to find love and acceptance. The transitions that take place during the teen years are tumultuous enough on their own. Adding the stigma that comes with being queer proves too much for some and people can spend countless adult years trying to overcome bully filled childhood and teen memories.
Sexual Minority Youth
Sexual Minority Youth, are youth identifying as lesbian, gay, bi-attracted, and transgender need resources and information around healthy well-being which includes good sexual health can include anal sex.
This information may be hard for parents overall. No one wants to think about their child in sexual positions getting the most pleasure from their bodies and offering up the same to someone else. It’s T.M.I. For parents of queer teens resources aren’t always available from traditional channels. Keeping teens safe by arming them with “safer sex” resources, gives teens the means to make informed decisions.
While pregnancy may not be a concern for gay males and lesbians who only have sex with other lesbians, STD’s and STI’s can and do happen across the board. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), reports findings from a 2015 study that documents 41% of high school students have had sex. The average age for losing one’s virginity is 16.9. Some teens start younger and some abstain until their 20’s.
HIV Remains 100% Preventable
Of HIV diagnoses for youth aged 13–24 in 2015, 81% were gay and bisexual males. Numbers don’t lie and they are way too high. This is evidence that avoiding the pink elephant in the living room is not working. Teens need access to sexual health information and someone to take concerns to who has knowledge.
Consider Getting Out Of Your Feelings
The Teen Vogue piece was informative and well written. What seems to have so many parents bent out of shape is the step-to-step guide for anal sex. Many parents and youth advocates felt the publication geared towards teens took things too far. They see the magazine as introducing specific sex acts too soon, and that it encourages “gay” sex.
What other types of sex would gay teens have? The article also includes information for teens who advocate for themselves. A good thing as a parent is not always available or open to discussions on sex. When a teen makes up their mind, (like most adults) they’re going for what they want.
Resources for Parents of Queer Youth
Checking homophobia at the door is needed to engage today’s youth in sex talks. If you’re a parent, an ally, or helping professional — — get acquainted with queer identity and gender fluid language. There are books at the library and available through e-commerce and thousands of articles on the subjects available for free on the Internet. Telaina Eriksen, author of Unconditional lends insight for parents of queer youth. She wrote the book after seeking resources for her teen daughter who had come out as a lesbian. She allowed me to grace the pages with resources I have found helpful in my work.
Social media provides groups and pages where information and social interaction is available with others seeking information and a connection with others able to share insight.
What’s the Point of Burning Magazines and Books?
A video of a mom burning a copy of Teen Vogue to keep her impressionable teenage daughter away from such thoughts quickly went viral. It was cheered for by those who felt Teen Vogue was doing way too much. Others cited they found the article provided solid information that would be beneficial to anyone interested in researching the topic.
Another mom took to television to speak about having Teen Vogue charged with indecency. I think it is a well-written article that helps teens use critical thinking in efforts to better understand their bodies and good sexual health. Totally. Radical.
Adults Can Guide, But Teens Have To Grow
Let’s give youth some respect. There are millions of teens of which some are queer. Str8 or queer, they’re human and therefore all are very likely to get the itch for sex at some point. Many will take the time to research and really think about if they’re ready to take the leap. Others will jump right in. “Netflix and Chill,” sounds cool, let’s get it. For those who are uninitiated to sexing slang, it’s not watching a movie. It’s a movie followed by sex.The quickened heart and first hard crush feelings can be hard to ignore.
It’s Not An Alien, Your Kids Still In There!
As a parent, communication is everything. Teens shut down with their moody asses. It’s what they do. Parents are always amazed, “Where have my Lisa and Shawn gone? They’ve never acted like this before!” Okay. During the trying times, their conversations are reserved for BFF’s, the Bros, and Fam (The fam, in this case, relates to peers). As a parent, you may be left out all around until they feel like sharing. They need to know you’re open to talking anytime. Don’t pester though, it will push teens further away. Patience is key.
You Can Use Some New Information, Right?
Get it in when and while you can. There are always windows of opportunity for conversation. Use the waiting time to become educated on the real world of teens and sex so you come to the table with more than a set of preconceived beliefs. The following topics also bear discussion but may leave you feeling as bothered as some were about the anal sex piece. They include porn (a lot of which is free online), the adult entertainment industry, and getting lost and turned out.
Talk About the Digital World
Broad categories, yes. These challenges can take teens way out of their lane and onto a path that has deeper consequences to sex. Each one presents a different set of issues. Porn is readily available. Even if your teen has a phone you programmed yourself, his/her bestie will have all access to theirs. If you haven’t checked lately, free porn is the devil. I don’t dare delve past the basic categories, I feel like I’ll be swallowed up by the black sinkhole of all the freak nasty going down.
Teach Teens to Be Discerning
Misogyny is an ongoing theme, whether it’s an amateur upload or a porn star with a huge following. The latest porn obsession seems to be ass licking. Some of which seems really forced. Porn is the first teacher for many seeking sexual knowledge. While porn can provide mechanical guidelines, as a rule, it should never be the primary source of information.
We’ve established that anal sex is happening with queer youth. Parents have to make the choice in either supporting or leaving teens to fend on their own. I’m in no way suggesting that a tween or young teen become sexually active. Sex is a gigantic step. I am however advocating for open communication and a dose of reality.
Bottom Line
It’s imperative that teens know they always have the right to turn down sexual acts that make them uncomfortable or causes pain. Nothing under the sun is new, including sex. What’s different today from years past is the explosion of teens who know who they are early on.
Any parent who has taught their kid the hugeness of self-love, knowing one’s worth, and being willing to stand up for their beliefs has done a kick-ass job. That’s worth thinking about.
