Coming out to my homophobic crush
We flirted and almost ruined her marriage
In the year I would turn 16, my mom’s job promoted and posted her to northern region and thus I had to transfer to a new school in a different city.
I was at a loss having to leave all my friends back home. I had difficulties adjusting to the new school as the kids in my class were high and low-key bullies. Except for one girl. Ayana. (That’s obviously not her real name, but close.) And she became my best friend.
We did everything together, be it homework or class projects or eating out and going to movies. I gradually began to love the place I thought I’d hate. To my family’s surprise, I began to enjoy going to that school I’d like to call hellhole for various reasons.
We used to exchange books and talk about hot movie stars during classes. We used to read fan-fiction and giggle at the R rated ones that tugged at our hormones many a time. We used to bunk boring lectures and sneak out of the school to hit the nearby KFC outlet until it was time to go home. We shared everything, from food to clothes, from passwords to secrets. There was however one secret that I hid from her — I was developing feelings for her.
I did not want to lose out on a friendship just because I had a crush on my close friend. I also did not want to lose out on having a relationship with the girl I liked just because I was too afraid to tell her. I had thrown away all chances of a relationship with my first love/best friend in middle school because I was too late to realize the feeling was not platonic or sisterly and that I was gay for her. This time I was old enough to realize what the feeling was. I was also old enough to take the rejection and move on without much casualties to heart. The problem now is that the girl is homophobic.
Now, I live in a country where homophobia is so ingrained in the people that homosexuality is deemed non-existent and regarded as something that goes on in the ‘west’. Being around kids who daily pass gay jokes at boys who wear pink, I knew I had my work cut out.
(The scenario is definitely changing for the best now, but it is more or less like being allies to queer people only outside your immediate family or friend circles. Smh.)
Lesbianism was more of a taboo in my high school than any other section of the spectrum. The jibes I have heard some students pass at Carol and Susan of Friends always made me miss my old school which was 10 times more progressive as the most they have done is to call me a weird nerd for reading Annie on my Mind.
I decided, in spite of all, to tell Ayana about my feelings. I chose the evening after school so that if things got bad I could just run away without looking back. It just didn’t occur to me then that I’d have to come back to the same place next day.
Initially I only told her I like girls. She looked at me with an unreadable expression and for some reason, I took it as a positive sign and went on to tell her I like her. Her mouth dropped open and I prepared for getting punched or being yelled at in front of the whole school. She did the worse — gave me a death glare and walked away without looking back.
I remember thinking of what was going to happen the next day at school. I wondered if she’d out me in front of the entire school and/or avoid me for the rest of the year. She did neither. Instead, she asked me to tell her what made me like her and describe in a Wattpad-ish way what I felt about her. Gross.
We continued to be close for the next five months of the school year with her low-key eyeing me every time we went to the washroom or to the lockers together.
On the last day of class, she asked me to kiss her to “let it all out” and that she will keep it a secret. That instant I had enough with all the prodding and I remember storming out and not talking to her the whole break.
Fortunately, Mom and I returned to our hometown for my last school year and I got to go back to my old school which kind of felt like heaven on earth after a year in the other hellhole. I met the first girl I had feelings for in the school grounds and made a mental note to never come out to her in our lifetimes.
I had decided to break all contacts with Ayana after that incident and especially after finding out that she got engaged the week she turned 18. It was no surprise to me as I had known she came from a very conservative family, but it still stung somewhere.
My bisexual ass started talking to boys during the first year of university and though I never dated any of them, it helped me get out of the feverish feeling of loss that sometimes crept up in my mind. Until I got a text from her one evening.
The text was the most random I had ever seen — she said she was horny and that she missed me. After almost three years this is the first text between us. I did not know what to make of the text but my stupid self couldn’t consider ignoring it.
Next thing I knew we were flirting and sexting all the way through my first semester. Every single person in my friend circle told me this was a bad idea but it did not stop me as that was not something I wasn’t aware of.
It was a really, really bad idea to go on even after she got married, though. We texted whenever she was alone or when her husband was sleeping or out. We never called each other — neither of us wanted to confront each other’s voices and discuss what the heck we were doing. And also because she was still homophobic.
My mind was in enough conflict regarding my sexuality but I never understood her way of being comfortable flirting and saying sweet nothings to a girl and yet opposing lesbian relationships in general. She constantly tried talking me out of ever having relationships with women and even went to say my bisexuality is a confused/experimental phase before I finally end up with a guy.
She always asked me to delete the chats right after each day which I may or may not have at that time. I should have had, as they all heaved well upon me the day she told me she was pregnant.
She repeatedly asked me to be the godmother of her child, which every time I declined. Being an only child and the youngest of cousins for well over 20 years, I am not great with kids. I do not like them. It’s just personal and I have nothing against them in general. And she knows that.
She texted me accusing me of hating her and her growing family and that I am bent on destroying her peace of mind. For the first time, I ignored a text. After almost an year, she again sent a random text saying that she got a miscarriage a while back. I did not know how to respond. After pondering for quite a while the only thing that came to my mind was to ask how. I should not have asked that.
She told me her husband had found out about our texts and that resulted in a fight. One thing led to another and all that stress caused the miscarriage. She said she waited till the situation got better to text me and asked me how I was doing. I did not know how to respond. I stuttered a short apology and left.
To this day, I am not sure how to process that. The casual tone in her message almost made me think she was lying, but then, I believe this is not something someone jokes about, however young they are. I was her best friend who should have been her support system during this phase. But instead, I low-key was partly responsible for it in the weirdest possible way. That depressed me more than I can express through words here.
A few years later, now, her family is happier than ever, and she has a kid. She does send random texts about her family updates or inquiring about my life, but I seldom respond. I am happy for her, really. But I am still not ready to forgive her and myself for all that we did to us and our friendship.
I wanted to let the event that scarred me out here where I can hide behind the keyboard and not have anyone judge me.
I wrote this all in one sitting and it feels like flushing out a burdensome memory from my mind. Thanks for reading. If this account of my life weirds anyone out, I want to say I am sorry.
Love.
