TIS’ THE SEASON OF LOCK-UPS…
10 THINGS TO REMEMBER IN CASE YOU GET BUSTED OVER THE HOLIDAYS
The holidays are here !! While most of us are strapping on our sexy sequined outfits, taking our children from door to door in their Frozen costumes, or planning to go out for the night with friends, remember, police Officers are setting up checkpoints and striving for monthly quotas. Make sure you can be with your family for the holidays by staying safe, don’t drive if you’re drinking and try to avoid the checkpoints! Just in case, you don’t make it home, here are some tips to remember. Take it from someone who has been there.
- DON’T SPEAK TO ANYONE WITHOUT A LAWYER OR PUBLIC DEFENDER. As soon as those cold cuffs get placed on your wrist, the moment when your rights get read, say absolutely nothing. Anything and everything will be used against you in court. If you can’t get a lawyer be careful with your public defender, because they eat lunch with the District Attorney.
2. DON’T MAKE FRIENDS WITH ALL INMATES. Jail is a jungle and trust me, you’re fresh meat. All inmates have to survive in jail just as you do, so their biggest reason to be friends with you is always linked to commissary, drugs, and/or money deals.
3. DON’T BAIL OUT RIGHT AWAY! Give it 72 hours. You never know what happens on your court date, and remember you have to pay every penny back or collateral.
4. CALLS WILL BE RECORDED SO WATCH WHAT YOU SAY. Don’t speak anything to anyone on the phone you wouldn’t want the deputies to know. They listen to everything and read everything that comes in or out of jail.
5. PLAN ON NO HIDING PLACES. You will be raided constantly and unexpectedly, just make sure you dispose of anything considered to be contraband or you’re going to the hole.
6. MAKE SURE YOU COURTESY FLUSH! The best way to achieve this is the standard “flush before you drop, or right after.” Your bunkee, which means your cell mate, will expect you to do so, and it prevents the feeling of sleeping in a public restroom.
7. DON’T MAKE A HABIT OF SHARING WITH EVERYONE. Try sharing with no one. You will need all the snacks you can get considering the meals are mainly on the “just add water” menu. You’re forced to share everything else anyway, including nice over-sized, off-white skid-marked underwear.
8. DON’T TELL YOUR BUSINESS! Keep your out-date on the low. Make sure no one knows too much about you. It’s not hard to catch a charge in jail. You don’t want anyone to find a way to ruin your out date.
9. DON’T PLAN ON A GOOD NIGHT’S REST EVER! Sleeping in jail is like sleeping on a yoga mattress with a sheet-thin blanket complete with your metal jail box-spring similar to a freezing operation table stored in a mass produce freezer. Your room is about the size of one already and is never warm. Lights out at 10 p.m. and breakfast at 4 a.m.
10. GIRLS — WATCH YOUR WEAVES! Weaves have to come out in jail and if you can’t get them out the deputies will cut them out even if they cut your own hair. You can’t wear any braids unless you want a problem with the deputies. So kiss your beautiful brazilians bundles goodbye.
