Where is “home”?
when the feeling of home is not in me anymore
I was born and raised in Brazil, lived for 2 seasons in the USA, lived for 1 year in Ireland and now I´m in Denmark for almost 3 years.
After all this moving around I found myself not knowing what or where home is anymore….
According to a quick Google search, I found these definitions:
noun
- the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
- “the floods forced many people to flee their homes”
place of residence, accommodation, property, a roof over one’s head;
Even if these definitions are more practical then sentimental, they work in my context: I guess I still haven´t find the place I want to live permanently.
After my experiences of living abroad I have the feeling that maybe Brazil is not the place I still could call home. Don´t get me wrong…I love Brazil, the people, the culture, the weather, the food…my family lives there, my friends…
Still I don´t feel comfortable, stable, safe, familiar there anymore…I feel like a stranger in my own old house (actually, its my mom´s house), specially after my grandma passed away. The house is filled with memories that are still fresh and hold sadness and sorrow for me, still makes me remember how I was far from her when all happened and how that still makes me feel guilty, selfish and small…
So I guess it can be tricky for me to call home a place that even being amazing, full of great childhood memories, friends and family around…brings me a part of sadness and unsafe feelings.
The USA holds a great place in my heart. It was the first place I lived by myself, when I was on my university break and it was where I learned so much about life and about myself.Although being also an amazing place, I still felt like an outsider, since there are some cultural differences that I could feel, and different life styles.
Ireland also is a place that will always be on my heart. The year I spend there I made friends and became more responsible about my things, worked a lot, learned a bit about another different culture, traveled a lot and also learned more about myself.
Denmark, where I currently live is a truly special place. I´m doing my PhD, making new friends, learning a lot about life. In my time here I´ve been to so much…so many new experiences that I would never imagine myself in, but still I feel like an outsider…
For me home is not only about the place, the people or its characteristics, its also about the feelings that it can bring me. Its the feeling of being part of something, of belonging, the feeling of being safe, comfortable…the feeling that there is no other place in the whole world where I would like to be, where I would be happier, where I would fit better…
So, where is this place that I could feel comfortable, safe, at ease, not an outsider…?
Maybe I´m asking too much…maybe I need to accept the fact that this place does not exist in reality, but only in my imagination.
Or maybe I need to travel and explore more, give myself new opportunities to live in different places for some time.
The truth is…I don´t know! I´m open to live in new places that I´ve never been, to have different experiences, to know new people, try new food…and maybe on the way, if I´m lucky, I can find myself a place to call home.
