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UK to seek unrestricted trade in insults with EU

In a leak from the draft of prime minister Theresa Mayhem’s Brexit strategy speech due today.

After six months of anticipation and indeed wild speculation on WTO tariffs, access fees and the like, the Mayhem government is revealing the outcome of half a year’s deliberations by all departments.

The bullet point headings are:

  • Negotiation on substantive details of real industries contributing to the balance of payments is just too hard, just like looking into those areas pre referendum.
  • So we won’t bother, as a cost saving exercise.
  • The United Counties of England (as the UK will shortly be rebranded) will seek an unrestricted trade in insults with the EU. This will follow on from our highly successful export business that released the Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage packages to Europe for many years. It is anticipated that in exchange for digs about prosecco sales, EU partners could ridicule our shrinking NHS and collapsing industrial base while a long running troll will be exhibiting Schadenfreude as Frankfurt slowly but inexorably eats the City of London for breakfast.
  • Michael Gove to be elected Emperor of all Right Thinking Britons at the earliest convenience.
  • That is all.

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