Mother’s Day Letter to Heaven
True Confessional is a place to lay it all out. No judgment. Just lay it out here and get it all off your chest, you’ll feel better. So here I go, holding nothing back.
My mother got ovarian cancer when I was 11. By the time I was 12 my mother looked like a skeleton lying in a hospital bed that they put in our house. My doctor told me I still have the personality of an eleven-year-old child but pretty good intelligence — except math. See I couldn’t add so they put me in special ed, but my mother fought hard to get me out of there and into regular school. They know now that I have something called dyscalculia which is related to ADHD. My mother was right!
But my personality got stuck on being 11. See, I was so shocked to see my mother like that, I froze up psychologically at that mental age. Is there anything you can do about that kind of severe arrested development? Just enjoy it! I like being child-like. I play more than the super “adult” people in my life. I think it helps my writing. I bet you have to be a real grown-up to get writer’s block. Why would I get writers block? I’m just playing at this keyboard and it’s not serious.
My Mom always believed in me. She thought I was going to be a famous movie star actually. I can’t act and I hate fake things. I have a real aversion to magicians for instance. I get really mad because they are faking and trying to trick people. I feel the same way about acting.
Anyhow, that’s an awful lot about me. I apologize. This is meant to be about writing to your dead mother on Mother’s Day and I’m going to get back to that in a second, but it makes me think about something I found out about my Mom’s ovarian cancer. She used baby powder on her vagina all her life. My dad could sue J&J for millions because there are actually photos of this special thing she had in the bathroom — it was like a fancy little thing you put the baby powder in and a fancy brush thing to dab it with. That’s what she used on her vagina. And guess what — she used it on mine too! Thanks Mom, you probably gave me ovarian cancer, too! But my Dad won’t sue because he thinks “Jesus took her, not Johnson and Johnson.” That makes me fume. How can my dad go to church and pray to a Jesus that did that to my Mom!!!! I mean, she was a skeleton that looks scarier than anything I’ve ever seen on Halloween, I’ll tell you that. What kind of Jesus…Oh, I’m getting way off topic.
There are other people who say her ovarian cancer is caused by the BRCA gene mutation. Which I also have! Thanks again, Mom. You really are trying to kill me aren’t you?
“Why would we want to bankrupt Johnson and Johnson?” my Dad said to me the other week. “They’re giving us the vaccines, Chrissy!”
That’s true. I get mad every time I look at baby powder though. Do you know, it’s just like tobacco. They knew there was asbestos in it. And we all knew a long time ago that asbestos was carcinogenic. Arghhhh!
If not for one of these three things, Jesus, J&J and genes, I would have a Mom to go spend the day with on Sunday. If you have a Mom, you are SOOOOO lucky. I hope you cherish every single moment of your Sunday with your Mom. And tell her about ten times how much you love her and how grateful you are that she pushed you out into this world. It’s not easy, you probably know, to give birth to a child, raise a child. Go to the school and fight to get the child into regular classes. I’m sure your Mom did something just as courageous as that for you somewhere along the line. Mom’s are courageous by nature — if you get between a Sow Bear and her cubs, you’re fucked! Same with humans. Don’t get between a Sow Human and her cub, even if the cub seems border line retarded! So thank your mom for whatever Sow Bear behavior she exhibited on your behalf, I bet it was kick ass!
My Indian “Mom” whose name is Roopa gave me a good idea to dress up as nice as I can on Mother’s Day and take a picture for my Mom in heaven. Thanks, Roopa. You’re a blessing in my life. And it has something to do with Coco, but I never saw that movie so I don’t know what she meant about that, sorry Roopa, I’m going to watch it and understand.
Another thing I already did was make a list of all the bad things that my Mom didn’t have to suffer through because she died. That puts a positive spin on it, you know. For instance, she died right before 9/11 so she didn’t have to have that bad experience. And she missed the other worst thing that happened to America — Donald Trump of course. But mainly I wrote in the list the bad things that had happened to me that I’m SO GLAD she missed because she wouldn’t have like them at all. I felt better for a second.
Then I made a list of all the good things that she missed and it made me feel bad again!!!! Still, I only “sent” her the good list, of course.
THE BAD LIST:
Don’t worry, I’m not a sick puppy. I would never send my Mom the list in which I tell her that I:
— Got raped at 14 by a cousin and half the family blamed me for being “too sexy.”
— Tried to commit suicide at 17 and the woman who replaced you, my evil stepmother, saved my life. Yikes, that would not have been good for you to see. Anyhow, my lovely Roopa has convinced me to thank my Step Mom for saving my life, which believe it or not I have never done after all these years. I’m not a great person, obviously.
— Dropped out of high school. Ran away. Became a stripper and took my clothes off in front of strangers, and also gave them lapdances and let them basically molest me. And sometimes I enjoyed being molested! Oh Mom, that’s something I’m glad you missed. Although I remember you always told me how beautiful I was and that I would probably be a beauty queen or a model. Well, this was pretty close, I guess. I was modeling!!!
— Became part of a gang! Yay, I finally belonged. I was the gang whore, basically. Well one of them. There were about four of us druggie girls who hung around cause these dudes had more drugs than CVS. They all got arrested but not me, Mom, I got lucky. I stayed home that night cause I was sick. Maybe you were up there pulling strings and you fixed it so they didn’t bust me.
— Died of an overdose. Well, my heart stopped in the hospital but they had this medicine they give to overdosed people and it brought me back. No, Mom, I didn’t see a white light or you telling me to “go back, it’s not your time yet.” I didn’t see nuffin.
— Got in an abusive relationship with a guy who liked to pee on me. I’m so glad you missed that because you were super strict about handwashing and germs and everything, you wouldn’ta liked it a bit.
— Had sex with my psychotherapist in his office, on the couch — and loved it!!! I think ever since I’ve been looking for a man in authority, who is way smarter than me, and who is not supposed to touch me but does anyway. Well, that’s what I usually fantasize about when I use my vibrator. You can’t see me when I use my vibrator, can you? Cause I use it a lot!! I wrote a whole article about how it’s good to use your vibrator as much as humanly possible because it relieves tension. I’m glad you weren’t alive to read that one. Or any of my articles. I don’t think I could have written a single word if you were still alive, because I would have been horrified if you knew this shit. You don’t get Medium up there, do you? Maybe you do, but since you can’t pay the five bucks you only get to read like three articles a month so you haven’t had to suffer through the worst parts maybe.
— Ate so much pussy! Mom, you were really against lesbianism. If you knew how much pussy I’ve eaten — I hate that word, I’m just using it to shock you — well, Mom, you would die again! I counted it the other day. I’ve eaten over fifty pussies! But I can explain!!! It’s because I have the personality of a younger woman (I think it’s about 13 now!) that of course men think they can take advantage of me, but women are drawn to me too — for a different reason. They want to nurture me. I’m always the daughter and they're the mommy, they give me so much love you can’t believe it when a woman gets me naked and she wants to put all her maternal love and female desire on me at THE SAME TIME. Think about it, she’s kept those two things separate and then they happen at the same time it’s like overwhelming to her. The women make so much noise and they cry. I’ve had the most surprising reactions but oh gosh it’s good. It’s almost too good! I had to take this woman to the hospital once because her heart started racing so fast she thought she was going to die! And she was only about 40, not like an old woman or anything. They told her she was having an arrhythmia brought on by too much excitement! LOL. I can understand it, imagine there’s this innocent little creature naked with her, opening her legs for this older woman and the older woman can’t believe her luck, there’s this pussy just surrendered to her, so “available” to her, like the greatest gift on Christmas Day! And I say, “Enjoy my pussy, Momma, it’s all yours.” Oh that’s too much. I shouldn’t have revealed that I do that. It sounds incestual and gross. And on Mother’s Day of all things. (But women go CRAZY!!!! when I say that.) Or, “Momma, why is my clit getting so swollen up like that and so wet? Am I going to have an orgasm?” They like that the most I think. They like to imagine they are giving me my first oral sex orgasm, like I’m a lesbian virgin or something. And my clit does get really swollen then, like the size of a golf ball, it’s so weird. That never happens with a guy. (Did your clit ever swell up like that — is that a genetic thing? No don’t tell me! TMI.) Wow, this is so personal I can’t believe I’m actually typing this. Any guy I’ve mentioned this too seems like they got grossed out, so I haven’t even told my boyfriend Aron about what happens to my clit with women sometimes. But anyhow, that’s why I have trouble being faithful to my boyfriend because how can I deny a woman that experience? It would be selfish of me. My doctor said that I’m trying to compensate for losing you by being with these women. Ha! Isn’t that ironic. The one thing you hated — lesbianism — I would use to try to feel connected to you? How stupid can doctors be? I just do it because when I totally surrender to a woman like that it gives me the biggest orgasms, like ten times bigger than when I’m with guys. I don’t know, I guess I’m more trusting and comfortable and able to surrender to a female. And even after we don’t have sex any more the older women will send me gifts, like care packages. I get boxes of fudge that they made for me. And little packages of soaps and little letters telling me they hope I’m doing well. Like hand written notes, I’m not talking email. Oh, you don’t know this Mom, but nobody writes letters any more, it’s all email and it’s dumb. Anyhow, this woman named Zoe brings me a huge plastic box of home made granola every few months. You’ve never tasted anything like her granola! It’s fattening though. I usually just throw it out, after she leaves, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Women love me so much!!! I’m the luckiest! After I break up with a guy he never speaks to me again and actually writes mean shit on the internet about me. I’ve never had that with women, a lot of them are really close to me still. I’m so happy now the pandemic is over — I’m already having so many great visits from them. Except my boyfriend gets nervous when they come over. They always want to go traveling. “Let’s go to Tuscany!” Zoe said. “I will find us a lovely house in the country with a private chef for a week.” I can’t wait to go to Tuscany, if Aron lets me. He probably won’t. Plus I would miss my dog too much anyway. I hate traveling if I can’t take my dog. But wow, having sex with Zoe for a week in some estate in Tuscany — she’s one of the ones who cries like crazy when she gets me naked. It’s like she’s having a religious experience!!! Guys don’t know how emotional women really feel about sex. They only reveal it to each other but when they are with guys they hold it back. That’s the truth. I cry a lot with Zoe too, when she just holds me. Afterwards the sheets are soaked with our tears and with something else, you know.
— Wrote porn! Sorry, it got me the most views, Mom, what can I say. I know your opinion. “I can’t think of a bigger waste of time than that,” you said about porn. I think you were talking about porn movies, but it’s all the same, right? Porn is porn. I write it. I love it! It actually gets me excited to write about sex that I’ve had — it’s even more exciting than the actual having of the sex. That’s twisted, I know, Mom. But like in that previous paragraph when I was writing about all that personal stuff, I got turned on, Mom. And then I had to take a break and use my vibrator before coming back to this paragraph.
— Ate ass and had my ass eaten. I can’t even talk about this one, Mom. You would throw up. Anyhow, I’ll move on to the next one.
— Had an abortion. I’m not ashamed. Women should have abortions if they need to. It made me so sad though because his Dad was so handsome, he would have been the most handsome boy. Yes, I had that feeling it was a boy. I sometimes think he is with you and you love your grandson. Of all the bad things on the list, I’m the most sorry about this one. Not that it’s a bad thing!! See, it’s complicated, I don’t want to suggest anything conservative or stupid. I’m probably sad because I don’t understand the whole issue properly. Don’t get mad at me! Politics makes my head hurt.
That is a lot of bad stuff. But here is the magic. Anybody reading this probably has their own bad stuff but maybe not such horrible things as I did. But even somebody who made the mistakes I made and did such terrible things as become a whore in a drug gang, well, even that person can change. There are a lot of homeless people, for instance, who make Los Angelinos really mad. But I was once homeless in an alleyway in Venice, California. So I KNOW FOR A FACT that the human being is still in there, inside that homeless person. He or she is exactly as HUMAN as you are. They are not animals. Be loving to them and help them if you can. They might make it out of the depths.
That was maybe “the bottom” for me. But no matter what you’ve done, how bad it has gotten, I hope you will be inspired by my story because I actually managed to get better and do some amazing things. Nobody who meets me would ever guess any of that shit up there happened to me. THINGS CAN GET BETTER! Have faith and courage.
THE GOOD LIST
This is the part of the list I did “send” to my Mom.
On Mother’s Day, I want you to know that am proud of my life and look up in the sky and know that you are smiling at me. I know you are aware that I have done so many good things, not just bad ones. Did you see me, Mom, when:
- I passed my GRE and got a high school diploma?
- I became a competitive kick boxer and won four trophies before I hurt my leg?
- I got accepted into college even though I had been in Special Ed?
- I graduated from college? No, it wasn’t good grades but I tried my hardest and my teachers loved me. (Too much! Ha!)
- I call myself an intellectual now! (It’s a joke, I am the least intellectual person but I thought people on Medium would like me if I wrote that.)
- Started my own business and made some money?
- I bought real estate with the money?
- I became rich (on paper)? I am a landlord now. It’s easy to do in Los Angeles, even a person like me who has trouble with long division can do it!!!!
- I got really good at tennis, even with my injured leg? And even being short — serving is hard for us shorties. I am a 4.0 player mom! That means better than most bitches.
- I volunteer at a place in Los Angeles for homeless runaways and I give a lot of money away too for this cause. Being a homeless runaway is very scary, I know. You feel lost in a world that doesn’t want you. I want to make the kids feel that they are wanted and not lost. That’s all.
- I write on Medium, which is a great place, which doesn’t make me feel like a freak, and the people make me feel like I belong and they love me? And guess what, they gave me a five hundred dollar prize yesterday. I was proud but then someone wrote “Hey, don’t get too fancy just cause you got the 500 bucks!” and that was great advice. I’m not fancy. I’m lucky, that’s all.
- I became a bad-ass bitch who never lets anyone fuck with her? And I inspired other women to be bad-ass bitches?
- I have the greatest boyfriend? I am going to take him down to Manhattan Beach to your grave and introduce him to you one day. Maybe after we’re married or something. Not this year. I asked him if he would like to marry me and he said only if I could be monogamous. Oh well, maybe next year.
I haven’t been to see you in so long Mom. With this pandemic and all, I haven’t been down there. But I am going to go down there on Sunday. Just myself. And I’ll be all dressed up! I hope you see me, I really do. You probably won’t see me, but have you ever heard of Pascal’s wager? It’s something only intellectuals like me know. It means it’s a smarter bet to play that you can see me. So that’s what I’m betting. Also say hello to TT’s mom. Her name is Jeanne, she’s probably mixing drinks somewhere up there. Her son loves her. Also, look out for RS’s Mom, her name is Cathy. I bet she’s cooking something nice. All her family misses her so much and especially those big dinners where she cooked for everyone and gave so much love. I’ll see you Sunday.
Love you, Mom. Miss you so much every day still. Does that ever go away?