No, Being Calm and Spiritual does not Make you an Introvert
A forgotten personality code that actually makes sense
I keep meeting people I’m convinced are extraverts, but who claim they’re introverts.
It tends to be in settings like yoga retreats or personal development workshops with a spiritual edge. In other words, settings where being quiet and introspective is encouraged.
The practices associated with these settings, such as yoga or meditation, have become more popular in the last decade or so. According to one study, the number of people practising yoga in the US more than doubled between 2008 and 2016, reaching 36.7 million.
At the same time, something else interesting was happening. In 2012, Susan Cain delivered one of the most popular Ted Talks of all time, The Power of Introverts. Her accompanying book, Quiet, published that same year, went on to spend seven years on The New York Times Best Sellers list. Cain’s argument was that extraversion had become a western ideal. Our schools and workplaces were designed around the extravert need for constant stimulation, celebrating a ‘culture of personality’. She called for a more balanced approach that enabled more introverts to fulfil their potential for creativity and leadership.
A year after Cain’s work broke through, Introvert, Dear, the world’s largest online community for introverts was formed. There are now numerous introvert Facebook groups and pages, with the largest, Introvert Nation, boasting 1.6million followers.
It seems being an introvert has finally become cool.
Perhaps, then, it’s no surprise that more people are openly identifying as introverts. But why this phenomenon of yoga and self-help-loving extraverts claiming they’re introverts?
At this point, you may well be asking, ‘who the hell is she to question what personality type people choose to identify as?’
Well, yes. That’s valid. Maybe it’s none of my business. I’m not even a psychologist. I’m just someone who’s fascinated by this topic and has spent years reading about it. Having said that, my background is mainly vocational guidance, which requires some study of personality types. And I do have a professional qualification in psychometric testing — although, full disclosure: this relates to ability tests, rather than personality tests.
Let’s say I’m right, though. Let’s say this is a thing. It could partly be because introversion is seen as desirable within these mindful communities. Extraverts tend to place high value on being part of a group, so ironically, on some level, they could be identifying as introverts to aid a sense of belonging.
I think there’s more to it, though.
A key issue is how we define introversion and extraversion.
Susan Cain’s website features a personality test. The questions focus on stimulation (eg how drained you might feel after being in large crowds or exposed to a lot of noise or light) and deliberation (eg how much you think or research before acting or making decisions).
The world’s most popular personality test is the Myers-Briggs Typology Indicator (MBTI). This includes sixteen personality types — half of which are introverted and half extraverted. According to numerous web sources, two million people take the MBTI each year — but that’s just the official, costed version. There are thousands of free personality tests available online — many of them based on the MBTI.
The Myers-Briggs online test site states: ‘People who prefer Extraversion like to focus on and get energy from the outer world of people and activity …. People who prefer Introversion, on the other hand, focus on and get energy from their inner world of ideas and experiences.’
When discussing the topic with those professed introverts I suspect are extraverts, they’ve all said something similar. They get drained by a lot of stimulation and need quiet time alone to recharge. It seems their definitions of introversion are in line with both Susan Cain and the MBTI.
These may be hugely popular and influential definitions of introversion, but they’re not the only ones. I’ll come back to that, though. First of all, I want to talk about another personality trait: sensitivity.
In the mid-nineties, psychologist Elaine Aron published The Highly Sensitive Person. She coined this term (often shortened to ‘HSP’) to describe those who experience a heightened response to external stimuli, including bright lights, strong smells, loud noises and busy places. HSPs have been described as having a ‘rich, complex inner life’. They can be easily affected by music, arts and other people’s emotions. (If you’re interested in taking an HSP test, Aaron’s original one is available online, or there’s a newer version developed by other researchers.)
From this, you can probably guess that — just like the introverts defined by Cain and Myers-Briggs — HSPs get drained by overstimulation and need quiet time alone to recharge.
The thing is, introversion and high sensitivity are independent personality traits. They are frequently confused, but research shows they are not the same thing.
The MBTI doesn’t take sensitivity into account. You could put this down to it being developed many years before Elaine Aaron’s HSP research. Susan Cain’s work, on the other hand, actually seems to confuse introversion and sensitivity. This is despite the fact Cain was aware of Elaine Aron’s work and even interviewed her when researching for Quiet. Aron herself has expressed some disappointment about this.
Now, let’s return to definitions of introversion and extraversion.
The ‘Big Five’ personality theory is, in general, the one that’s most respected by scientists these days. Rather than dividing people into types, it measures them against five separate traits, including extraversion. There are different Big Five tests out there, but overall, the extraversion questions tend to focus on how outgoing, assertive, enthusiastic, attention-seeking and adventurous someone is.
The problem is again that this definition of extraversion does not take sensitivity into account. How many highly sensitive extraverts would score highly for extraversion in a Big Five test? Not a huge number, I’d bet.
I’m going to introduce another definition of introversion and extraversion here. It’s not particularly well-known, but it’s one I discovered nearly thirty years ago, as an awkward teenager, secretly hanging out in my local library. This definition has remained with me ever since. It has shaped the way I view myself, my relationships and people in general.
It comes from Dorothy Rowe, an Australian psychologist and author, who died last year. Rowe published fifteen books and was most known for her work on depression. Yet, most of her books have an introvert/extravert theme running through them.
Rowe believed that everyone is born either an introvert or an extravert. There are no in-betweens. However, she also acknowledged that there are ‘infinite’ kinds of introverts and extraverts.
For Rowe, how we experience existence was key. In her 1988 book, The Successful Self, she stated:
We experience our existence as being a member of a group, as the relationship, the connection, between our self and others.
OR
We experience our existence as the progressive, development of our individuality in terms of clarity, achievement and authenticity.
Of course, the first way of experiencing existence is an extravert one and the second is an introvert one.
Rowe also put it in more simple terms: We are either ‘people persons’, who judge ourselves in terms of how others respond to us, or we are ‘“what have I achieved today?” persons’.
More darkly, in the same book, she talked about our subconscious worst fears, ie what threatens our sense of existence. For the extravert, it’s about ‘complete isolation, being left totally, utterly and forever alone, thus withering, fading away, disappearing into nothingness.’ For the introvert, it’s about ‘losing control of your self [sic] and your life and falling apart, falling into chaos, fragmenting, crumbling to dust.’
Ouch.
Rowe went on to describe how some introverts and extraverts might do the same things, but for different reasons. One example is the pursuit of success. She said, ‘Extraverts see achieving goals and winning in terms of relating to other people, both by caring for other people and by gaining or maintaining their acceptance or affection. Introverts see achieving goals and winning as ways of achieving their personal development, maintaining their high standards and gaining the approval of those who opinion they respect.’
According to Rowe, all close and enduring relationships (whether romantic ones, close friendships or even close business partnerships) are made up of one introvert and one extravert. In her years of clinical practice, she always found this to be the case. Anecdotally, in terms of my own close relationships, this also seems to be the case.
Rowe also had a unique way of testing whether people were extraverts or introverts. She used an interview technique called ‘laddering’.
Here’s a breakdown of how to ladder:
- Ask someone to pick three kinds of a class of object. It can be anything, eg three foods, three flowers or three cars.
- Ask, ‘Can you tell me one way in which two of these are the same and one is different?’
- Once they’ve made their distinction, ask which they prefer: the pair or the single item.
- Ask the reason for their preference.
- Ask, ‘Why is this reason important to you?’
- Keep asking ‘why’ in this way until they get to their most important, fundamental reason(s). You will know when they’ve got there, as it will have something to do with an introvert or extravert sense of existence (eg relationships with other people or personal achievement).
- Ask what would happen if their life somehow changed and the important reason was taken away or impossible (what Rowe called ‘the cruel question’). At this point, the person will normally reveal their subconscious, deepest fear (eg complete isolation or life falling apart).
To use an example from The Successful Self, someone may have picked three car models and then divided them into two expensive models versus one cheap model. An extravert might say they prefer the two expensive models because they’re more reliable. When questioned further about why reliability is important to them, they might mention being depended on, which is about relationships with others. An introvert might also say they prefer the two expensive cars because they’re better quality. When questioned further about why quality is important to them, they might say something about personal achievement.
Laddering might seem like a simple and entertaining exercise, but Rowe was careful to point out that it’s not a game or a party trick. These questions are about revealing people’s deepest desires and fears. This could bring up vulnerability or distress. Therefore, if you want to try this, be careful who you do it with. It’s not a good idea for anyone with a history of mental illness or trauma. If during questioning, someone seems to be getting uncomfortable or avoiding the questions (eg by going round in circles), it’s probably best to stop.
Now, let’s return to those yoga and self-help-loving professed introverts.
You’ve probably guessed I suspect they are actually highly sensitive. (It’s not a surprise that HSPs, whether introverted or extraverted, would be drawn to calming, mindful environments.) I suspect they’re extraverts because I couldn’t help but be aware of their outward focus. I noticed them scanning for connection with others. I could sense their desire to belong and be seen. I’ve been influenced by Rowe’s ideas for a long time; I like to think I’m fairly decent at identifying whether people are extraverts or introverts (according to her definitions).
Yes, this means I’m silently judging everyone I meet in this way. And yes, that’s probably a bit awful. Sorry.
There are many things about Dorothy Rowe’s theory that just work. Highly sensitive people are not left out; they can be introverts or extraverts without any confusion. In addition, Rowe’s theory is solely about internal identity and motivation, rather than behaviour. This means it includes shy extraverts, outgoing introverts and all the other quirks out there. Her theory overcomes all the issues I’ve highlighted with other theories. And it’s genuinely useful.
Ultimately, Rowe believed we can be happier if we see our deepest introvert or extrovert fears for what they are: illusions. Letting go of those fears means that extroverts can let go of desperately trying to be loved or needed, and introverts can let go of desperately trying to control or achieve.
It’s a shame that her work in this area hasn’t got more attention or been researched further.
To conclude, I should acknowledge something: It could be said that my trying to make sense of everyone and the world in this neat way is motivated by my desire to avoid chaos and failure. I came across a number of people (really lovely people, by the way) who I was convinced were extraverts, but said otherwise. This threatened my desire for rightness and perfection. So much so, that I wrote and published a Medium article to make myself feel better and keep my deepest, darkest fears at bay.
So yes, in case you were wondering, this article was written by a card-carrying, bona fide, slightly neurotic and highly sensitive introvert.
