How to Human 101
Okay Zeldar, try and take a deep breath it’s just a normal human…what do they call them? A networking event? What a strange name. Why does Titus-9 University have to make their human suits so itchy? I wonder if it’s 60% pure human like Ruflus said they were. Whatever just do this stupid assignment, pass Human Studies 101 and get back to poly-carbon music chain engineering and make it big off-world. — Zeldar’s thoughts raced as he made final adjustments to his human mask at the front lobby door of the Bellagio. Las Vegas was one of the last places on Earth or really any planet he wanted to be on.
The way the rapid change of climate made Zeldar’s skin and eyes crawl baffled him.
Why wouldn’t humans just make everywhere the same climate? They can make a social media company control elections but they can’t make the desert wet? — Zeldar thought to himself as he opened the freezer door of air conditioning to the lobby of this strange temporary home to the desert-dwelling humans.
Okay Zeldar, what is the name they gave you?
Zeldar looked in his ocular computer screen only to find his human cover name was ‘Randy Randerson.’ While Zeldar didn’t spend a ton of time actually paying any attention in his human studies class, even he knew this was a stupid name.
As he strolled through the various gambling and drinking halls of the Bellagio, Zeldar could help but marvel at the way the humans would trade bits of green paper for plastic discs and play little kid games for usually fewer bits of green paper in a final exchange.
Soon he found the correct conference room for his assignment. His ocular computer said the conference was something to do with marketing in the general sense but he didn’t truly care enough to learn. He didn’t like interacting with his own species let alone with these weird, confusing, and often violent hairless apes.
It was no matter for Zeldar, he didn’t have much of a choice but to push the conference door open and take his first step inside. His main assignment stated that he need to use various face-reading technics to try and make at least one honest human connection.
The conference was bustling with 876 people according to Zeldar’s ocular computer. Obscure brands and product ads plastered the walls and made Zeldar’s head spin. Very few of the products were in his human guide and the rest were just making him feel extremely uncomfortable about their true nature.
He soon scanned the room for a single human to attempt his face-reading technics to make a friend or at least a low-mark connection for his class. Across the main floor stood a human man roughly the same size as Zeldar’s human disguise. This human was dressed in a simple navy suit, cropped almost balding hair, fresh brown shoes, and an almost perfectly round face shape.
Does that mean he’s young or old? I guess I’ll find out. Zeldar thought as he walked up to the man.
“Uh…hello good young or maybe old sir,” Zeldar said. The man looked up from his phone with a confused, slightly offended look.
“My name is Randy Randerson. What do you the humans here call you?” Zeldar continued.
The man had dropped his offended look but was still equally confused by Zeldar’s introduction. “Uh hi. I’m Marc Clarkson. Can I help you with something?”
“Ah yes I can tell by your overly round face you are naturally helpful and friendly,” Zeldar stated while attempting a smile but mostly looked like he was baring his teeth.
“Are you calling me overweight?” The man grumbled back.
“Oh of course not! I can just see in your eyebrows that you are trying to work an angle by the 22.4-degree angle of the inward points.”
The man wasn’t sure how to respond let alone continue the conversation. “Well umm…Rando was it? I think I’m getting called over there. Enjoy the conference.”
Zeldar couldn’t see anyone or anything that would have gotten the man’s attention but alas, the man was quick to rudely rush away from Zeldar. This unsocial alien did try to complete his university assignment by speaking to more and more of the humans but soon utter strangers were avoiding him like the plague.
Feeling like a complete failure, he left the conference room to find one of the many poison dispensary ledges, or as the humans would call them bars. Zeldar ordered some kind of fruit juice with no poison and stared deeply into the dirty glass.
“Hey man, everyone loses money here.” The bartender said to Zeldar.
Zeldar looked up from his stained glass and noticed the female bartender looking at him with what his textbook said was pity. She had very rounded eyebrows, wide soft eyes, and a rather diamond-shaped face. He decided to not mention them at all and try just acting like what he thought a human might act like.
“Eh tell me about it. I’ve tried to read out the room but nothing has happened. Everything seemed to just want to run away from me.”
“Well, you’re not alone. It happens to the best of us. Next time try going to the dealers with rounder faces, they’re way more willing to help you out.” The bartender said with a genuine smile plastered across her face.
