The Appointment
The hustle of the café was overwhelming to William. The voices of a hundred people grew into a chorus loud enough to burst his eardrums. William felt blinded for a moment. His heart was pounding, he could feel the small pings of panic climbing up his spine.
Feeling frozen and his anxiety building, a familiar, comforting hand grabbed him.
“Paging doctor Will, doctor Will please head back to reality. I was waving at you for a solid five minutes. How did you not see me?” Markus asked William.
William snapped out of his trance to be greeted by his beautiful husband. Markus was far too dressed up for a simple trip to the café. William thought it was ridiculous but it made him smile to see which elaborate outfit Markus would try out today.
“Oh baby, hi, I’m sorry. I think I’m done being a therapist. I don’t think I’ve ever met a couple like this before.” William responded with still clear confusion in his voice.
Markus laughed as he ushered William to a table in the back corner of the café. “Oh please, can’t be any worse than that mobster and his wife. Those people were crazy.”
“No, I’m serious these girls were like nothing I’ve ever had to deal with before.”
“Please, Will you’re the best couples counselor I’ve ever met. What happened.”
“First things first, how many couples counselors do you know? Second, I don’t have to. My phone can.” William said while placing his phone down on the rough wooden table.
Markus gave William a serious look. “Will, isn’t that quite literally a crime?”
“Oh please, like you’ve never done anything slightly illegal. I still remember last New Year’s. I already edited out their names.”
As soon as William finished his sentence, the only waiter working came.
Markus ordered first. “Two double espressos, one of those chocolate cakes, and — Will?”
“Yeah, whiskey rocks sir.”
“Will you scamp, make that two please,” Markus added wearing a devilish grin.
“Okay, while I generally support day drinking, when do you ever drink whiskey?” Markus questioned William.
“Ever since these women walked into my office. Let’s just call them Pam and Jam.”
“Okay, want to ding you on the name choices, but if you recorded them why are you telling me?”
“Well Markus, it’s so I don’t have to stay person A and person B. So for backstory, Pam and Jam have been married for about six years now. They met in London and basically got dared by some drunk asshole to kiss each other.”
“Let me guess, hetro-banker bro?”
William smiled, “Good guess but no some wannabe actor or something. Not the point. So Jam was a former human rights lawyer working in “X” location.”
“Okay, and who’s Pam?”
“That’s the thing! She was an immigrant engineer from the very country Jam was working in.” William exclaimed.
“How interesting. So what was the problem? She was working too much or did Pam want to go back to her home country and Jam didn’t want to?”
Markus was interrupted by the waiter dropping off the order.
“Thank you. No, it’s far more stupid.” William said, slamming his whiskey in one gulp. “Just take a listen, and for reference, Jam is the higher-pitched voice.”
William hit play on the recording and the first thing to come out of the phone speaker was the loudest pigeon noises Markus had ever heard.
“Cah, Cah! That’s all I hear from you *Bleep*. All-day, you just trying to get these stupid birds to listen to you. Ever thought about listening to me?” Jam screamed.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I’m sorry that you are too blind to see my vision. You’re so focused on your stupid reputation that you wouldn’t even try to talk to the logistics guys! This is what they need to save their f**k-up of a business!” Pam screamed in response.
Markus hit pause on the recording. “Okay, hold up. Pam owns birds and wants to do business with logistics guys? What are they trying to do? Revitizal Carrier Pigeons?” Markus burst out laughing.
William didn’t say anything, just gave Markus a serious look and hit play.
“Ladies, I’m going to have to step in here. Yelling will not be conducive to solving any problems. So *Bleep* do you feel *Bleep* is not listening or hearing your concerns?” William asked Jam.
“How do I feel? I don’t feel anything because I know for a fact she’s not listening to me. She has somehow convinced herself that carrier pigeons are the future of private communications. I thought she was joking. I was for it at first you know. Have some non-traditional pets. Send some friends our holiday cards via pigeon. Sure, it’s weird but it stands out. However, the next thing I know, she burned half our life savings, maxed out our credit cards, and got a second mortgage on our house by buying the world’s best pigeons, a custom coup, flew in vets from all around the world, and is now using my old contacts to get in touch with members of the UN logistics team to pitch meetings about a four-hundred-year-old method of communication! Which by the way *Bleep* as I’ve told you before, the aid branch of the UN is not a business!”
Pam was audibly breathing with rage. “See doc! This is what I mean. These birds are my babies! She doesn’t give a shit about my children and the life I am working to build for us! I’ve named every single one after you, *Bleep*. You are always telling me how much you hated working as a lawyer and how you do anything to stay out of that life!”
“Yes, I have in the past. However, with this idiotic idea, you’re forcing me to go back into that life. So now if you wonder why I never get to see you anymore or why I’m stuck in a warzone trying to get visas for people who just want a normal life, just remember that it was your shit-reeking sky-rats that will have gotten me shot!”
There was a decades-long silence before the shattering of glass came screaming out of the phone speaker.
“Oh my god. What happened? Who broke what?” Markus questioned, leaning over the table with the curiosity of a child.
“Well, Jam broke my lamp over Pam’s face. This naturally erupted into a fight. A serious one. I tried getting in the middle of it and breaking it up, but that didn’t go super great, to be honest.”
“Will! Are you okay baby? Did they hurt you?”
“I’m fine Markus, it ended with me firing off the fire extinguisher in their faces and throwing them out. I think I’m done trying to be a therapist. I think I want to go back to our old business.”
Markus grabbed both of William’s hands. “William, I’ll support you in anything you want to do. I love you to the ends of the earth.”
William smiled a coy smile. “I love you too. Are you ready?”
“Ready as I’ve ever been.”
Markus and William shared a short passionate kiss and both pulled pistols from the inside of their coats. Will fired off a round into the ceiling, jumped on the old table, and screamed at the top of his lungs.
“Okay everyone, be cool! This is a robbery!”
