TINDER VS. SIREN

After 6 years of neglecting my personal life, it appears that I might be ready to entertain the idea of dating again. I experimented with online dating around 2006. I got out fast. I never pursued dating from an intellectual perspective.

I was psychologically jolted out of my 6 year-long phase of celibacy yesterday and I had nothing to do with it. Something has changed.

Here’s what happened: yesterday I helped out my friend who owns the restaurant Succotash and agreed to work as a host.

I was extremely busy for the entire morning and then a twenty something guy named Max took me completely off guard. As I’ve written about before, I’ve lost my sex drive and as a result, the sexual tension I used to feel when seeing attractive men has for the most part vanished.

Well, vanished except for yesterday where I found myself unable to think about anything else. This guy, Max, well, he knows he’s a super attractive man and him knowing this fact is what jolted me out of my sexless coma.

As I walked outside, calling, “Max, party of 3, your table is ready,” he instantly shot me a direct line of visual lust super knowledge. In his one look, he conveyed to me that he knows he’s in possession of the desirable male traits that 90% of the female mating population want subconsciously: muscular and broad shoulders, dark beautiful hair mixed with light blue eyes, tall, clean, dressed stylishly but not overly dandyish, a confident air, strong jawline and nose and a very approachable, happy disposition.

After I seated Max and his friends, I found myself unable to stop thinking about him. I created fake tasks for myself in the vicinity of his table just so I could look at him more. I never wanted him to leave the restaurant.

He was half my age and I knew I didn’t have any sort of chance in reality but I jut couldn’t help myself from fantasizing about him and me having sex. This is a sign of my health returning.

After Max and his friends left and I was cleaning up their table, I searched the crumpled napkins and little scraps of paper for scrawled words or or perhaps a note. After I found only dirty cups and little bits of scrambled eggs, I felt ashamed of myself for thinking such silly thoughts like he was feeling any sort of interest in me.

Why am I still getting aroused by those who are completely out of my league? Do I still loathe myself?

When I got home, a black void descended upon me, wave after frustrated wave, compounded by six years of denying my sexuality.

Something must be done.

I downloaded the Tinder app without even thinking. I spent the next hour swiping mechanically through the reams of men who either repulsed or scared me. I found three who seemed interesting, but they haven’t chosen me back.

“Ugh, this is too much work,” I said to myself. What a huge amount of effort trying to sift through all the riff-raff. The thought of trying to find a person using this method seemed absurd. And the feeling of throwing away men at an alarming rate gave me the feeling of living in a throw-away, fragmented society.

Then I did a Google search, “Tinder for introverts” and an article about Siren appeared. Siren is a dating app that was created by women for women. It’s very nuanced and at the forefront of its design is safety, fun and female empowerment.

We get to decide who to connect with and we can remain hidden until we decide to connect. It’s a lot like real life and the creepy male factor is pretty much gone. There’s a Question of The Day and you get to know people based on their answers. It shares some similarities with Facebook but unlike Tinder which uses your Facebook name, Siren is anonymous. I prefer anonymity, like many women do.

Siren is definitely the superior dating app. I wonder if I’ll actually go on any dates? I’ve been known to correspond with people for ridiculous amounts of time before meeting.

I guess since this post is about dating, I should disclose what sort of man I’m looking for. My ideal man is someone like Nikola Tesla, who preferred pigeons over women. I realize this sounds absurd and idealistic but it is in fact true. I like men who are eccentric but not in an extroverted way. I’ve already had my genes passed on so I’m not really concerned about physical beauty. I’m acutely interested in the quality of a man’s mind. If I never find a man who is noble, I’m okay with dying alone. I’ve had my share of wild experiences. I’ll die with the cracks in my heart filled in with scar tissue instead of decent love. But my heart will be strong enough to withstand the rest of my years alone.

I think it’s worth trying again before I seal my own casket of solitude, though.

I once worked for a toothpaste inventor in California. I became his closest confidante. I often thought if he was 40 years younger, we would have been together. Our relationship was platonic and we spent most of our time learning and talking about unusual ideas. He was a highly empathic person who truly had a good soul. He was shy and unassuming. He told me his longtime girlfriend moved out because there wasn’t room for both her and his thousands of tubes of toothpaste. He was an extreme introvert. He died recently.

The reason I’m attracted to inventors and mad scientists is that I have some experiments I’d like to work on. I’m interested in creating holographs and a solar-powered doll. Another reason I’m interested in these personality types is that I like to be mostly left alone to work on my projects. I think it would be easiest to be with someone who is like myself. I’ve already traveled the world and know who I am. I’d be interested in getting some big insane dreams built and I think it would be more fruitful if I worked with a partner.

If you can do these things….