MIDDLE INDIA 6
Shorts, Musical Chairs, Cat Claws and Two Fat Brothers
How to spend a Sunday afternoon in Middle India
Crikey (Oztraylian for OMG), I’ve so much to tell you all. So remember how I couldn’t find the Children’s Festival, well it turns out it was on Sunday, at the township oval, starting at 3pm followed by a cricket game, at 6pm (how cliché, of course there would be cricket in Middle India). I was a bit excited — I might get to meet some of the ladies. Fingers crossed eh.
Being the good newbies that we are, the 4 resident Aussies made the trek down to see what was going on. I had decided that, as the boys were going to be wearing shorts, I would do the same, figuring maybe if all the Aussies were in the same attire, that it might not seem so unusual when they see me doing the rounds of the township in my walking gear.
Not Short Shorts!!!
It’s pretty warm here and I really can’t cope wearing long pants — I am literally melting. Got a few glances and that’s fine, but nothing like another lady, I spotted braving shorts. She was Indian. Holy Shit Batman (Oztraylian for whoa guys). Standing near some local township ladies all I could hear a total Bitchfest. They were, very obviously, being the shorts police, with themselves and others tut-tutting and announcing “Her SHORTS were SHORT SHORTS!” while making gestures on their legs to mark the length. MEEEOOWWW the cat’s claws were out! I did see the culprit and they weren’t cheeky short shorts, with her butt hanging out, but short shorts, and hey she has good legs — WTF. I was in modest middle-aged knee length shorts — old ladies shorts. In the back of my mind I was starting to have doubts as to who I would try and talk to. Cliquey vibes at 9 o’clock.
Slowly, residents of the community started rolling up. There would have been around 100 kids ranging in ages from toddlers, kindy to 14 to 15 year olds. They had the usual fun races — sack race, three-legged race, ball toss games with the little ones having to get their ball into a bucket, 2 feet away. The older kids had the tin can pyramid which they had to annihilate. There was also the hanging donuts, on a string to eat, with no hands, but they used Jalebi, a local sweet, which was like a big pretzel. They look a bit like an American Funnel cake, deep fried, soaked in sugar syrup and rose water. Well that’s what I believe, but don’t quote me on that. It turns out they were recording 1st, 2nd and 3rd etc for each age group, as prizes were lined up. It was all fun and games and very much like the challenges would see at a western school fair.
At the end of the kids activities they suddenly announce,
“Now it’s time for the women’s game!”
Horrified and looking “like a ’roo in the spotty” (Oztraylian for “like a deer in the headlights”) I glanced around in fear.
“Oh, No!” and guess what, I was going to be playing MUSICAL CHAIRS.
Suddenly I was being dragged along to join the throng, and you know what, I took it like a grown up. I really wasn’t that keen but pulled my big girl panties (which you have seen) jumped up and walked over. After all, I do want to meet people and get involved, “So bring on the music and that chairs!”
One of the ladies was so excited and informed me “It’s so much fun and all the ladies love playing it!” Have to say I’m like — I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND, this was SO NOT what I was expecting. I wonder if they know about pass the parcel, statues, or the colours and letters games. Maybe this will be my goal to broaden their repertoire? Bring on Sinterclaus and present stealing — but I feel they could be deadly and you could come out looking like you’ve been in a full-on wrestling match.
I look over and they have about 40 chairs in a large circle — all facing outwards — NOT THE NORMAL MUSICAL CHAIRS I KNOW OF — BUT OK. So the deal was you go round the outside (I just wanna sing — trailer park girls go….but I’ve already pushed the boundaries by showing my legs).
Rules and regulations on musical chairs
I then get given the instructions –
“When the music stops, grab the closest chair”.
“Thank you I think I’ve got this! I will try my best,” I mention to her.
“Usually at home we have the chairs in a long line — with each chair placed opposite.”
“Yes, we do it that way if there aren’t too many people playing.”
I must keep this in mind for future occasions. Watch out girls! I’m bringing this one home! Bring your own chair.
After they round up the stragglers (they really could have done with a sheep dog or a stick) finally the game is going to start.
Please get me out of this nightmare. The other 3 Aussies are quite amused — assholes. Music goes to start. NO MUSIC — the mobile stereo has run out of battery, so with that 3 of the organisers start clapping (for the music) and we are all instructed to start walking in a clockwise direction. Now wouldn’t you think, you might do like a mini granny jog or something? No, it was more like a procession behind a hearse. I’m thinking, I wonder if I can just start a trot, to jolly them along or lap them. With the amount of women here we are going to be here until midnight. It really was so excruciatingly painful. I felt so uncomfortable, but I think to myself “Hey, I’ve got this”. So it was “Follow that lady!” get involved and make friends! I won’t be accused of not trying. I can be very trying.
I jollied along, smiled, won a few chairs (Whoop) then happily fumbled the 4th so I could discreetly disappear. Was accused, by fellow Aussies, of chucking the game (Oztraylain for throwing in the towel). Hmm could be right there. Sat down to watch the rest. OMG it was so funny. When it got down, to like, the last 6 there were appeals, sulks, and outright arguments.
“Her left cheek didn’t hit the chair before my right cheek, which in this case I demand a rerun!” and she was serious.
It’s cutthroat! Never, and I say NEVER, come between a woman on a mission to win a freebee — I wonder if they have ever played bingo — could be textas (Oztraylian for markers, felt pens) at 12 o’clock.
During this ongoing drama — the rest of the crowd decided to abandon watching the last ladies and start distributing the prizes, to the age group winners and OH NO — here we go again — as we were there, on hand, and being one of the upper management newbies, both Buggalugs and I were dragged up to congratulate and award each prize winner.
I put a smile on my dial and off we went. It took friggin’ ages. There were kids coming out of our ears, all excited and super happy with their win. In the meantime, over the back, the last of the ladies were still going around in circles, still squabbling and arguing who sat down first. They were down to 4 chairs!
As each winner was called up we did the obligatory hand shaking, prize giving, congratulating — Buggalugs seems to think, at one stage, some random kid just popped up to get something, and I think he was right, and I think I stuffed the Prize Giving — Mega Fail. We threw all the prizes out of whack. Ooops. We obviously didn’t realise, as we don’t know the kids, I had patted a little boy on the head — gave him a prize — but he wasn’t actually the winner — he was so chuffed they couldn’t take it back. That’s what happens when you hire amateurs (being Buggalugs and I). But, hey, kudos to the little boy, he wanted a prize and he got one. I am since horrified, that photos of our prize giving was sent out all over their internal mail. Could it get any worse?
Am I participating in a Monty Python movie?
Prize giving was done and, once again glancing over the back, the ladies were still going around in circles. With the organisers still clapping for the music. This was like something out of a Monty Python movie, I did thunk to myself, with the main even occurring and having some other fracas continuously unfolding, in the back ground, coming in and out of the screen shot. It had taken forever, then finally, the winner, the happy clapping was complete. The clappers must have been blessed with blisters and callouses, Thank Fark! (Oztraylian for the sound a crow makes and sounds like a swear word) And guess what, it turns out the winner was the lady who kept protesting about her left bum cheek.
As all the other awards were over she was able to walk straight up and be awarded her prize. A set of 6 tumbler glasses! As an onlooking this was just too funny but, hey, a set of 6 tumblers is worth the fight and she walked away like the cat that got the cream, or being in India, should I say the Maharaja who got the Mango Chutney.
While I was involved with the chair rugby, I had noticed a young boy go up to Buggalugs, say something and leave. Buggalugs was noticeable laughing as the kid skedaddled. Later when asking,
“What was that about?”
It turns out this lovely little cherub announced -
Two Fat Brothers
“You and him (pointing to fellow Aussie) look like brothers, you are both FAT!”
Now saying they both had grey hair and were old could be more polite — but FAT SHAMING…. Hhhmppfff. At this point I’m going pause, post and grab a cuppa. I have a whole lot more to tell you about this community event and my attempt to make friends. I will follow up shortly.
Hoo Roo
