JOB BOARD

Trump is hiring!

No Team Spirit, No Unity, No HR!

Trump is hiring for a variety of contract positions. You might be paid but you probably won’t. My track record isn’t exactly pristine in paying my bills, and even though it puts people out of business, I don’t intend on changing my strategy now.

Now let’s talk about where you’re from. Given the choice between hiring an American worker or getting a visa to bring in seasonal workers from overseas, I’m going with the option that works best for me. (Sorry, American workers!)

The ideal candidate is a male (white if you can help it). Active members of the United States military need not apply. You can’t just take a few months off work to serve your country and expect to keep your job when you return. I don’t want to sound too much like a chauvinist, but women should be at home taking care of the children. It’s a dangerous thing, these wives going to work. But if the candidate must be a woman, she had better not be a dog. She’s gotta work out and ideally uses her sexuality to get ahead. Ladies who apply — you should really just find a rich husband.