An Imagined Conversation Between Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh
This interview is from my book Trumped Up: The Unsettlingly Plausible Fake Autobiography Donald Trump Doesn’t Want You To Read! (I Assume), from about 1/3 of the way through.
Limbaugh: I’m here today talking with a legendary man, one who needs no introduction —
Trump: Especially because we’re already midway through my book.
Limbaugh: — exactly right, sir. A genius, a financial mastermind, a stunningly beautiful man who I hear has something of a gorgeous cock, it’s my absolute honour to be talking today with The Donald, Donald Trump!
Trump: Can I tell you something, Rush? You’re one of three good ones in your entire goddamn industry.
Limbaugh: Thank you, Sir.
Trump: And one of the fattest, too, but unlike those losers in the leftist media, I won’t hold it against you.
Limbaugh: They refuse to accept that it’s not my fault : I’m just very lazy and like eating mountains of food.
Trump: I understand, Rush. It’s unfair. But you know what? Fuck those bastards.
Limbaugh: Yeah, right in the ass!
Trump: Not that they’d feel it, the goddamn queer-lovers.
Limbaugh: It’s like you’re in my heart, Donald.
Trump: Please, call me The Donald.
Limbaugh: The Donald. So how’s the book going so far?
Trump: Awesome. I’m making my case for how great I’ll be as a President, and I’m kicking ass at laying out the exact threat we’re facing. That I’m facing, because I’m the only one who can handle it.
Limbaugh: Can I be honest with you, The Donald? When I read the chapter with the angry Mexicans from the future trying to destroy the past? I filled my diaper.
Trump: You wear a diaper?
Limbaugh: A lifetime of Vicodin and angry sedation has screwed up my plumbing big time, The Donald.
Trump: Gross. Anyway, yeah, it’s going awesome so far. And I want to stress again to all the losers out there who still doubt me: this danger is massive, it’s real, and it threatens the future of the entire human race.
Limbaugh: And you’re the only one who can do anything about it.
Trump: It’s true, I am the ONLY one who can do anything about it. And you know me, Rush, I’m a humble man. I’m not boastful. I am, without a doubt, the most humble man in history, okay? It’s the truth.
Limbaugh: That is gospel, The Donald.
Trump: So when I tell you that I’m the only person who can save the world, you know that’s coming from a place of logic and evidence. A robot from the future told me I’m the only one who can save the world, that I’m the only one good enough, smart enough and sexy enough — and showed me evidence — in the form of pictures of myself and my accomplishments from the future — to prove that it’s true. Anyone who refuses to acknowledge the truth of that evidence can eat a dick, then change their mind, then believe me, then vote for me. Because I really need their support to become President.
Limbaugh: So, you’re fabulously wealthy, the Donald —
Trump: Thank you.
Limbaugh: — Surely you’re rich enough that you could just buy the election if you needed to.
Trump: That’s an interesting position, Rush: I said in the intro that I can’t buy the election, but that if I could, I totally would. But the very idea that a Republican has ever successfully bought or stolen an election is ludicrous! It’s about as unbelievable as some kind of shrub talking to you.
Limbaugh: But aren’t you a Christian?
Trump: I don’t know, probably? Why?
Limbaugh: There’s a bit in the Bible about a burning bush that talks.
Trump: And about how stupid the idea of that is?
Limbaugh: No.
Trump: Oh. Shit. Well, I guess even God can’t get everything right.
Limbaugh: Only The Donald.
Trump: Only me! Exactly! But to answer your question, stealing a Presidential election just can’t be done. I mean, it’s not like I’m running for student body president. Or for Female Body Inspector!
Limbaugh: I tell women that’s what I am so one of them will finally let me touch them, but it never works. The bitches.
Trump: Well, keep at it, I guess.
Limbaugh: It’s the strangest thing, The Donald. Every single woman that I’ve ever tried to have sex with, without exception, has been a lesbian. Even the prostitutes who have sex with men other than me. But I guess maybe the Johns I’m lined up behind are actually women in drag? I don’t know, but whatever the case, it’s sexually frustrating.
Trump: I bet.
Limbaugh: I’ve even tried walking up to them with a thousand dollars wrapped around my dick like bacon on an undercooked slab of chicken, but nothing works!
Trump: So you’ve never had sex with a woman?
Limbaugh: Not with any who’ve said yes, or who were awake. But that’s just a typical guy problem, right? You’ve got to learn how to spot the tiny, quiet little ‘yes’ in the middle of the gigantic ‘NO!’ and pounce on it like a starved convict.
Trump: Right.
Limbaugh: That’s not how it is for you?
Trump: No, I bang chicks all the time, Rush. And they’re awake and they want it. It’s awesome.
Limbaugh: Huh.
Trump: Yeah… yeah. So anyway, I’m not rigging the election, because nobody could, but the truth is I don’t need to. Because I’m a genius, my foreign policy experience is incredible, everybody loves me and recognizes my talent. I’m going to win and it’ll be great!
Limbaugh: …
Trump: You still with me, big guy?
Limbaugh: …Yeah, sorry, I’m just — I always thought consent was a made up thing, like a leprechaun, the female orgasm, or someone smiling at me for free.
Trump: Can we focus on me? We are literally in the middle of my book.
Limbaugh: Oh. Yes sir. Of course! … So, what do you need people to learn about you, aside from that you need to become President for the good of the planet?
Trump: First of all, it’s interesting that you said “for the good of the planet” rather than “for the good of humanity,” because according to my robot duplicate from the future, in twenty years a comet heading toward Earth is discovered and diverted from hitting us and causing an extinction-level event, but only because of things I do in my second term as President. So I do actually also save the physical planet, which is pretty incredible.
Limbaugh: Remarkable. I am in awe of you, The Donald.
Trump: As you should be, Rush. But the thing these idiots — and there’s no need to mince words on that, Rush, because from my perspective, compared to me, the humble Donald Trump, almost everyone in the world is an idiot and a loser. Especially people who make fun of me, and double especially anyone who’d write a book about me, pretending that it’s by me to make me look bad. That guy would be the biggest loser of all, and his attempts to make me look foolish would just shine a goddamn bat signal on his own failures. You’re an idiot to me, too, Rush, but I like you.
Limbaugh: Thank you.
Trump: The thing these idiots need to learn about me is that I’m not an asshole. I’m a dedicated, devoted public servant who will, in the end, spend almost his entire life completely focused on the task of saving all of their worthless asses. And just because I do things they disagree with, that they find morally repellant or things that should have me put behind bars or worse, they need to know that I’m doing, every moment, the thing I need to do to bring about the greatest good in the world.
Limbaugh: We were talking about God a minute ago, and it sounds like —
Trump: Yes, exactly! I’m exactly like that. I’m a modern-day God, only you don’t have to bow down before me. But you can, if you want. In fact, you probably should!
Limbaugh: Well, I’m already on my knees, but what can everyone else do?
Trump: They can vote for me. Make me the President of America and I will first be the best US President in history, both terms, and then I will be the first and the greatest President of the World, and will bring about peace and prosperity and happiness and statues of myself on a scale that your tiny brains just can’t even imagine. But it all starts with me getting you losers to vote me in like you voted my golf courses in Scotland to be among the best in the world, and very affordable. So do it!
Limbaugh: Powerful, stirring words from The Donald.
Trump: That is what they are, you wonderful, terrible man.
Limbaugh: So what’s still to come in the book?
Trump: More evidence. More reasons for the idiots to vote for me. More awesome time travel stuff. I save people, I go to the Great Mexican Rape Fields, I travel into the future. Twice. It’s all great stuff.
Limbaugh: It sounds terrifying and incredible.
Trump: Oh! Also, I finally reveal Obama’s dark secret, the one that he doesn’t want you to know about!
Limbaugh: Thrilling! So for all that and probably more, keep reading!
Trump: Yeah, keep reading, idiots!
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