In Defence of Racists, by Donald Trump

This picture of my glorious hair is from Vanity Fair.

The following is an excerpt from the upcoming ‘Yuuuuuuuge V-D Day Edition’ of the incredible fake Donald Trump autobiography “Trumped Up.”

A lot of people — jerks and losers, mostly — are getting their tits and their whatevers in a knot about racists lately. Specifically, about the ones I’ve been hanging around with in public, getting endorsements from, and appointing to very high-ranking positions in my cabinet. And really, I don’t understand why. I don’t get it.

What’s the problem with racists, America?

So they like one group of people more than any other. So? I got elected President of the biggest America on the planet because I told everyone I was for America being first. And why is saying “I like Americans the best” any different from saying “I like whites the best?”

This is a serious question I’m asking, okay? But, shit, I won’t be able to hear your answer if you yell it at the page, so I’m not sure how I can get the answers from you. So I guess I’ll go with my own answer, which is the right answer and the best answer, because I’m Donald Juan Pablo Trump, and I’ve got the best answers for everything. Believe me.

So: There’s nothing wrong with racism. Okay? Done.

But I bet you crybabies — people like Alex Baldwin and the 62,000,000 losers who voted for Crooked Hillary — who’s such a really good, really devoted public servant, who we should all thank for the work she’s done all her life to help disadvantaged people, like me, she helped me get elected President — I bet you won’t settle for my answer, and so to shut you up because I hate every single one of you, I’m going to drop some serious knowledge bombs on you.

That’s what the hip people say now, right, Barron?

Knowledge bombs is the right thing to say?


Christ, that kid never talks to me anymore. He’s almost as bad as my first wife.

White looks good

Steve-o Bannon, Jeff Sessions, and a whole bunch of other people I haven’t even announced who’ll be in my cabinet yet like white people. Yes. Okay. They even dislike people that aren’t white, but it’s not because black people have too many rights now — Sessions was only kidding when he said that. Okay, you losers? Get a sense of humour, okay? Learn to take a joke!

No, these guys, along with my good friend David Duke, who I don’t know and don’t know anything about, they just like the color white, okay? They like the way a white person’s skin looks. They like the color. Well, not mine, because mine is awesome, the best skin, it’s the color of gold skin, but I’m talking about most white people’s skin here, okay? They love it! They just — it’s just a personal style preference, okay? There’s nothing sinister or evil going on here. It’s like, I love gold, I think it’s the best color and that all colors should be locked in containment camps for a couple months before being deported back to whatever third-rate paint store they came from. But that doesn’t make me racist against platinum or silver or bronze, does it?


Racist is just another word for go-getter

And you know another thing about so-called racists? They know what they want. They know that racial purity is the new black, and they want it as soon as they can get it. Their vision of what they want is as pure as the crowds of white faces they dream of seeing in every corner of this great American country.

Also, they’re motivated: Look at what Steve-o’s done, with only a few million bucks, some websites, and an endless forest of lies? He just became my Secretary of State! Pretty cool, right? And Sessions, he bounced back from being too racist to become a federal judge under Ronald Reagan — the actor! — to becoming my Attorney General! That’s a huge accomplishment, okay? Believe me. It’s great.

Also I hear David Duke ran for the US Senate, which I guess is a job, or something? I’m not sure. But it sounds like a big deal. And even though he lost, he still tried, and I imagine there was a lot of paperwork to sign. Which is tedious! I don’t like paperwork, I pay people to do it for me, myself. Mostly guys who wear yarmulkes: I used to have some black guys take care of my paperwork, but — come on. No thank you!

Racists make us better people

People act like racism is bad, and that institutional racism is even worse, like having the deck stacked against you just because of the color of your skin you were born with is some terrible burden that can haunt people for generations. But that’s a lie, okay? That’s a dirty lie, it’s most true, it’s just a complete lie. It’s false! The truth is that even if you’re the kind of non-white who doesn’t get enough police protection or can’t drink at every water fountain or whatever, you’ve got friendly, rich white people looking after you. So there’s really nothing to complain about. Believe me. Our system — it’s such a beautiful system like that. It’s the best!

Now, idiots say that having racists at the highest levels of my administration — like Bannon, Sessions, and the ones you don’t know about yet — sends a message to non-white people that things are going to be shitty for them for the next nine years. The non-whites will be discriminated against, because the people in charge — me and my white sheets — dislike the blacks and the hispanics and the whatevers. That’s what all the crybabies are saying from inside their little safe spaces, like a bunch of mean actors. But nothing could be further from the truth!

It’s just — listen. White people aren’t better because they’re white, they’re better because they’ve got more money. They’ve got more money because white people are genetically better and smarterer, but that has nothing to do with the actual color of their skin. Okay? Got it, liberal media, you fuck? It’s just like how I didn’t discriminate against black tenants back in the 70’s because I hate the blacks. I hate poor people, and it just so happens that black people are poor. And lazy, too, which is a trait they all have. Or they’re more poor, or they’re poor and lazy more often. Either way, they have less money, so they’re no good to me, so I hate them.

Like, how many black people do you think could afford to stay at my fabulous new Trump hotel in Washington, DC? It’s right down the street from the White House, it’s getting great reviews, it’s fabulous, it was built ahead of schedule and under budget. It’s really terrific, and by the way, “ahead of schedule and under budget” is something you’re going to be hearing me say a lot in my first three terms, so get used to that.

And if you get the white people in charge focusing on white people — the people who run industries and make way, way more money than the whatevers because there’s a genetic thing, it’s in their genes. Our genes. We’re just built for more success, so we go at the top of the pyramid. All pyramids — let me tell you something: all pyramids have white people at the top, okay? Always been the case, no exceptions. None! No exceptions. And if you get these successful-ass white people being on top and maximizing their own success, well, it’s like trickle-down economics, but for money, okay?

You feel that dripping on you? That’s not my dick, you pussies, it’s all that cash falling out of my wallet! I mean, I pay a guy to carry my wallet for me, because if I carried it it would ruin the lines of my hair. But you get what I’m saying.

More white people being successful means that those white people will be too busy making money to have time to do things like clean their homes, cook their dinner, take care of their own kids, and cut their lawns. And so those successful white people are going to hire other people to do those jobs, and who are they going to hire?

That’s right, you dickbags: they’re going to hire the Blacks, the Mexicans, and maybe even some of the Puerto Ricoans if they’re available. And then everybody wins. And some of the really successful white people — who will get even more successful because of the awesome, truly tremendous things my administration will make happen — will need so many helpers that they’ll have to make them live on their property, in little houses off to the side. Now, I bet that most of the white people who do this would want to keep the houses small — you know, to cut costs — and would want to put a bunch of non-white people in the same bedroom, probably in little bunks really close to each other to make the heating bills lower. And those super-successful white folks would need to hire managers to keep all their new helpers in line, and to make sure they work fast enough and that none of them try to leave the property to take extra days off. But they’ll be living rent free, probably! So it’s win-win-win-win-win.

So you’re welcome, America. And I mean that, sincerely, from the bottom of my gut. And I mean it if you voted for me, if you didn’t vote for me, if you’re a man, if you’re a non-man, or if your skin is white or less.

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