dating probs, pt. 1

as promised…a longer, more rant-filled blog post, that hopefully leaves you encouraged.

***also, since the launch of this post, i was asked to speak on dating on the FEARLESS TALK podcast. you can give it a listen here.
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what’s your biggest problem with the modern day dating world?

is it the lustfully charged ideology of objectivism?
or the false sense of perfectionism induced by social media platforms?

maybe you’ve never had a serious relationship.
or maybe you’ve had too many relationships and forgotten what it’s like to be on your own.

whatever your experience or lack thereof, i think we can all agree dating in 2019 is not as “simple” as it used to be.

honestly, how would you like to meet your future spouse?
when your kids are old enough to ask, “how did you and mom meet?”,
have you ever thought about the story you will tell?

when i see how relationships in 2019 start, i can’t help but think of the ridiculous stories my friends are going to have to tell their children.

“well, your father and i met at this bar downtown…”
“well son, she liked one of my photos and then i slide into her DMs…”
“well your father was actually dating my best friend at the time…”

and don’t get me started on dating apps.
actually, yes, get me started.

for those of you who use dating apps, i mean no offense, i just don’t understand you.
bro, get off your phone and just ask her out to a cup of coffee and see where it goes.

which brings me to my subject for today…
there seems to be two major views of dating. (probably more, but humor me while i make a point).
both extremes. both options.
but i think the goal takes place somewhere in-between.

the “i gotta find ‘the one’” view

in this view, there is only one. and you better not choose wrong.
your whole goal is to meet that special someone, put all your eggs in that basket and hope for the best.

granted, as much as i’d like to make fun of this approach, i swing harshly this way.
your whole life you’ve always been the best friend secretly loving ’the one’ but never getting the chance, hoping one day it will work out.
you think of your wedding day often, your future kids, what house you’ll have, what a normal marriage date night looks like eating on the floor in the living room and laughing quietly while the kids are asleep…you’re a hopeful romantic. and that’s okay.

the cons?
when it doesn’t work out like you thought, you’re crushed.
you gain weight, or go to the gym 7 days a week (depending on the time of year)
you wonder if you’ll ever love again, if anyone will ever love you now that you’re broken.

the “it could be anyone” view

this is the casual dater. the flirt.
the one who will go out with anybody and everybody until you get bored or they take up too much of your time.
you’re not focused on finding the one right now; although it’d be nice.
you think you’ll eventually just “know” and that’ll be it.
you date because it’s more comfortable to be with someone than to be alone.

cons?
you jump from circle to circle of friends, never letting anyone too close to you.
you burn lots of bridges. you walk out before being walked out on.
you don’t save anything for the future and you’re too scared to deal with your past.
the present becomes your prison.

is any of this familiar for you?

you might not lean to either extreme, but i think somewhere in the middle could be a healthy place.
something that’s not so excessive of either.

i’m talking myself down from the ledge, because i’m the hopeless romantic checking to see if my crush liked my post and making sure my comment on their latest picture leans funny and not creepy.

confession, i instagram stalk…like a lot.
it’s a really bad habit.
how weird is it that we live in a world where i can know 100’s of things about you before i’ve even said a word to you?

why is this no bueno?
because for the “i gotta find the one” ones, we’ve already planned our 30th year anniversary vacation with you in our heads by the time we get to your 20th post.
and for the “it could be anyone” ones, they’ve already got you lined up after their backup backup girlfriend.

i’m calling you out today, and i’m calling out myself.
we gotta do better friends.

there’s got to be a better way to deal.

does anyone actually like texting?
i mean it’s cool to keep in touch with friends, but what about with someone who you’re trying to get to know?

it’s hard.
you can’t hear a text. you can’t feel it’s emotion.
i’m much more inclined to a phone conversation or a FaceTime call.

DMs?

oh the joy and pain of the world of DMs.
it’s like a landmine. you never know where and when to step out.

ever given away your number in a DM to move the convo to text? and then she never text you and acts like it never happened?
yeah…me neither…who are you kidding, of course i have…it was horrible.
but if the convo never leaves the glorious halls of the DM, then they for sure don’t take you as a serious dating option.

so maybe to them, you weren’t worth their time.
but that doesn’t stop you from commenting again on their very next story now does it.
thus, the cycle continues.
until 3 months later, you’ve made no real life movement.
you’ve just played the same play over and over again, failing every single time.

like.
comment.
emoji.
like. like.
emoji.
reaction.
send message.
unsend message.
emoji.
like.

how’s that going for you?
have you actually “shot your shot”?
and by that i mean have you actually had a real conversation with your crush?

have you actually said the words,
“hey, would you like to get some coffee sometime?”

no, no you haven’t, and why not?
because you’re afraid of being shot down.
you’re afraid of her/him saying “no” and that would hurt.
why would that hurt? because the fantasy you’ve created in your head would not match reality.
it would all be fake.
and you can’t take that.
you can’t take that reality isn’t as good as fantasy.
you can’t take that the facts don’t line up with what you think should be.

don’t you know knowing the truth, although it may hurt, is WAY better then never facing it at all.

chances are, she’ll say yes bro…
why?
cuz no one else has asked her out in months because they’re all playing the same game in their heads that you are.

why am i so mad about this?
because i live this every day.

granted, i’m past this stage.

i’m never afraid of asking out a crush. in fact, i do it too often.
i see no problem with it.
and maybe this is the area of growth that you need.

what do you have to friggin lose?
you already have nothing.

just go for it.
it’s just COFFEE.
it’s just DINNER.
it’s just a MOVIE.
it’s just a WALK and ICE CREAM.

(play your cards right and all four of those make a great date night when put together)

you are not deciding on the first date if this is “the one”
(or at least you shouldn’t)
and this is where i have to preach to myself, because i am THAT GUY who falls in love on the first date.
and i need to get over that.

we are adults.

i should be able to ask you out, have a great time and then decide whether or not there will be a second date.
decide no. and then walk away without any drama.
or decide yes and pursue it.
then decide after the second date.

that’s life.
that’s normal.

but no. that’s like THE WORST THING EVER for someone to experience, i guess.
dude, it’s not.
and you need to chill. (meaning me, i need to chill).

and you,
the one setting up 4 different dates in one week with 5 different people,
you gotta chill too.

slow down.
stop having “options”.
take a break.
figure out what you like about ONE PERSON and pursue that for a while.
if it doesn’t work out, then figure it out then, but don’t have anyone “on deck” brah.
do you even like yourself?

i’m not going to sit here and pretend to have figured this all out.
i’ve failed so many times.
but i feel like someone has to say something because i listen to all my friends complain about how dating is broken right now.

and there’s no way i can cover all of what’s wrong in one post.
so here’s my first attempt.

no one is doing it “the right way” and everyone is too scared to fail so they don’t even try.
that’s no way to live.

the only ones who fail are the ones who never try.
sure, you’ve tried before and got your heart broken.
but what better teacher is there than failure?

you are worth the love you let yourself accept.
you are worth the attention you give.
you are worth the ask.
you are worth it to say no.
you are worth it to say yes.
you are worth it to forgive yourself.
you are worth it to hope for a better future.
you are worth it.

so hold on to that worth.
and don’t take yourself too seriously in the process.

it is serious business, but it’s meant to be fun.
and if you aren’t having fun in life, then you’re doing it wrong.

so shoot your shot.
ask her out bro. it’s the only way you’ll know.

girl, feel free to say “no” if you don’t want to do.
never put this guy’s feelings before yours.
that comes later.

for now, be honest.
always be honest.
truthfully.

-gb

here’s something fun.
i make a personal playlist for each season of the year, as well as 100’s of others.

so here’s my current fall playlist. give it a follow. hope you enjoy!

https://open.spotify.com/user/124106297/playlist/4y8gynVvcbylvXekP8H1u7?si=M9XPYvXTS-S95mG4gI__4A